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Why doesn't my husband want me?

By March 24, 2009 - 6:41am
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I am 39 years old and am a newlywed. My husband and I have only been married for a month and a half and he has already lost interest in me sexually. No matter what I do or don't do, I just can't turn him on. I once had a boyfriend who was impotent and he did at least make attempts at having sex. My husband doesn't even try. When we go to bed he goes right to sleep. A few nights ago while we were in bed, I was trying to arouse him and he simply moved my hand and turned over then went to sleep. I could understand if he had always been this way with me but he hasn't.

He makes me feel utterly repulsive.

Is there a medication I can have prescribed for me so that I don't have the urge for sex as well so that I have no problem with his lack of desire for me?

"I'm updating this Blog. If any of you women have had the same problem with your husband please get him to talk to you about what's going on. Maybe he has some health problem that he refuses to get checked out. My husband just passed on March 09. He had a massive heart attack. It was sudden. He had to go for training for the Tactical Squad for the prison where he worked on Sunday. I had no idea when I kissed him, hugged him good-bye and told him I loved him that would be the last time I would see him take a breath."

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EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to DiW)

I agree with alysiak, it might be useful to you to learn how to argue constructively. There is such a thing.
I would venture to guess that the reason sex doesn't even cross his mind most of the time, like he says is because you guys are having communication problems and arguments. I don't think one can be truly happy most of the time, if one isn't happy at home with one's partner. I think it's important to deal with this problem with your husband and not just learn do deal with it, in the meaning of learn to live with it, which to me sounds so negative and pessimistic and like you've already given up without even lifting a finger yet...Look, marriage isn't easy, and if you go into marriage thinking it should just happen on its own, then you get into all sorts of trouble. I think we should have Marriage 101 in high school as a mandatory class. Marriage takes work. However, the work you put into it is so worth it. FYI, I am single, never married, no children, am in a relationship. So I may not have the experience that married people have or divorced people have, but I make it a point to always read about what makes marriage works, and learn about them in television, etc. where ever I turn my head. If I ever marry some day, I want to make sure I am prepared and educated in the best possible way to make it work. Trusting in God and reading the bible on the marriage principles help a lot. Asking God for answers where answers is no where to be found works.

November 12, 2009 - 10:22pm
(reply to DiW)

Oh, boy, does this sound familiar! My DH and I lived together for 2 years, though, before we got married. That was our time to determine whether or not we would be able to make it a lifetime. The only thing, though, is that men are so different during the "courting" phase, and, once the knot is tied, they settle into some sort of complacency. I'm generalizing, but it sure seems to be a common complaint among new wives.

It's really hard to learn how to argue productively - yes, there is such a thing. Men have a tendency to shut you off, and women have a tendency to keep prodding. You need to set ground rules - this was really, really hard for my DH to accept. Among the rules: no name calling, swearing, accusations, turning backs on each other or walking out, no shutting down just to avoid talking, no histrionics in front of the kids (when we had little ones), and absolutely NO threatening divorce (that's just a cop-out and running away).

What's left is to be civil, rational, calm, willing to listen and be honest. It's pretty darned tough to do when you're angry or feeling sorry for yourself (aka feeling trapped).

Chances are, your DH doesn't want to consider counseling because it's not HIS idea. Instead of offering up your suggestions as to how you should get help, ask him what he suggests. A man needs to feel empowered (no pun intended), not backed into a corner. Even though you may not think you're backing him into a corner, he might think it.

I'm no therapist or psychologist, just an "old" married woman who has been there, done that.

Hope things do work out for you.

June 19, 2009 - 4:34pm

Nope. That's not the case at all. We had a huge argument about all of this. He finally let me know what the problem is. He has been holding back because of things he "thinks" I have done to him. Pretty unfair because I have been 100% faithful to him and he has no reason to think otherwise.

I've learned to just live with it and deal with it one day at a time. I'm not going to allow all of this to break me.

June 17, 2009 - 8:08pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to DiW)

It seems to me you are the one who has now shut down. Women "shut down" too, you know?

November 12, 2009 - 10:08pm

I just thought about this -- maybe he's having an erectile dysfunction issue and is embarrassed to talk about it. When he told you that he let your hand move away on its own because "he knew he wasn't going to get aroused," maybe that's why. In any case, just like the others here, very open communication with him is key to figuring this out. Please let us know how it goes!!

March 25, 2009 - 11:41am

DiW, I can tell that you're a thoughtful, loving person and that this is really weighing on you. Is it bothering your husband as well?

If I read what you say correctly, this problem did exist before you got married, from time to time. I asked that because in some cases, a man seems to "see" his wife differently than he saw her when she was his girlfriend or fiance, and it can change some of the dynamics. But it doesn't sound as though this is the problem.

May I ask how old your husband is? I ask because there is such a thing as male menopause, when (just like women) their hormone levels change. A man with low testosterone levels may not be interested in sex as much as he was when his testosterone levels were higher.

Did any of Alison's comments or Alysia's comments hit home with you? Do you feel as though the two of you are having trouble communicating? Are you able to talk about this with him (when you are NOT in the bedroom)?

And would the two of you consider couples counseling?

March 25, 2009 - 8:53am

Hi, DiW:

As others have already said, stop thinking this is your fault and that you have to take something to fix the problem. Your hubby might just be going through something he's not quite able or ready to deal with, stress at work or about his job, money - who knows!

Communication is the key to a solid, lasting relationship. Trust me, I'm coming up on my 31st Anniversary, and my DH and I have been through a lot together!

Just avoid coming across as pushing him to talk, or nagging. Men hate that and won't respond. At the same time, stand your own ground and let him know you're there for him and ready to listen, whenever he's ready to open up. Be patient, but not a doormat.

Hang in there. I hope this is just a temporary situation for you.

March 24, 2009 - 4:39pm

OMG, when I read your last sentence, I wanted to cry. I'm so sad for you. Please, please don't just assume that there's something you need to do to change yourself! Don't think you should not want sex just because your husband doesn't want to do anything. Like others said here, it's not about you - it's about him. I hope you can talk with him and find out what's going on. Maybe it's something simple that can be worked out easily.

I'm a newlywed too, and if my new husband were to move my hand and simply turn his back to me like that, I'd kick him out of bed!! :)

March 24, 2009 - 3:29pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Kristin Davis)

Uhm...no, no, no, no!
Please don't make women pity themselves!
Kicking him out of the bed is not a very wise solution, but will likely to lead you in a downhill turn, and turn the situation worse.
It makes me so mad when women say OH....your story depressed me so much...OH I'm so sad for you. Don't assume it's you.
It is the woman's fault sometimes...you know? It's their energy and attitude that makes a situation much worse. If we always say it's not you, then we can't change anything, will we. If we are just fine and dandy as we are, and it's the men's fault, then we are just in denial.
so stop the pity party...please!

November 12, 2009 - 9:46pm
(reply to Kristin Davis)

Nope. I didn't kick him out of the bed. After I began to cry I got out of the bed so that he wouldn't know it bothered me as bad as it did. I actually cried until about 3 AM until I finally went to sleep.

March 24, 2009 - 8:05pm
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