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Why doesn't my husband want me?

By March 24, 2009 - 6:41am
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I am 39 years old and am a newlywed. My husband and I have only been married for a month and a half and he has already lost interest in me sexually. No matter what I do or don't do, I just can't turn him on. I once had a boyfriend who was impotent and he did at least make attempts at having sex. My husband doesn't even try. When we go to bed he goes right to sleep. A few nights ago while we were in bed, I was trying to arouse him and he simply moved my hand and turned over then went to sleep. I could understand if he had always been this way with me but he hasn't.

He makes me feel utterly repulsive.

Is there a medication I can have prescribed for me so that I don't have the urge for sex as well so that I have no problem with his lack of desire for me?

"I'm updating this Blog. If any of you women have had the same problem with your husband please get him to talk to you about what's going on. Maybe he has some health problem that he refuses to get checked out. My husband just passed on March 09. He had a massive heart attack. It was sudden. He had to go for training for the Tactical Squad for the prison where he worked on Sunday. I had no idea when I kissed him, hugged him good-bye and told him I loved him that would be the last time I would see him take a breath."

Add a Comment246 Comments

EmpowHER Guest

I am 26 years old. I have been married for 4 years. After about 2 months of marriage the problem started for me. Before we got married there was no problem. I get so angry at him. He just doesn't want to do it.

October 19, 2009 - 8:17pm
(reply to Anonymous)

mine is similar to yoursbutonly been together for 2 years, started off good for a fewmonths but know he sedoms wants me, you didn't say alcohol was a factor, in my vcase it is and weed is too, it could be a health issue, just try to talk to him

April 8, 2010 - 9:20am
(reply to Anonymous)

idon't really kow what to say, maybe hes taking u for granite now that you are married, try to talk to him

April 8, 2010 - 9:14am
(reply to Anonymous)


So for the majority of your marriage, sex has been a serious issue between the two of you?

Did something happen to change things between you? When you have talked about it, what does your husband say?

Do you have hope that this situation can be changed? Can we help in any way?

November 13, 2009 - 10:24am
EmpowHER Guest

I actually read through all the comments as I might be in a similar situations and want to find a solution. To the poster above, a man, well it goes both ways. When men sit on the couch and watch sports that does not make them very attractive. For many women, the arousal starts on a mental level, and there are many ways to win a girl's heart. I don't know what man can complain if he is not able to communicate his needs. I think women try and still they don't get what they ask for.
I have been with my husband for about seven years and married for one. I must have not read the signs or ignored them. It seems that my husband does not like to be touched in any way. I am out of ideas for getting him aroused or even getting close to him as I get rejected many times. I am not touching him the right way. Yet, he has told me that he expects me to initiate sex. Whatever happened to a man being easily aroused. Maybe we both have low libido, maybe we both are expecting the other to start something. All I know, it is not healthy right now. I liked the poster who said, to just be with him. It would be nice to at least be sensual without the sex but it seems like there is no middle ground. I understand that two people can come to a compromise if they really love each other. But how can you suppress a part of you. Sexuality is healthy and necessary. It is so sad that this seems to be such a common problem. I hope that it will be resolved for me and my marriage and for all of you who posted. Somehow. There must be a way to make it work.

October 5, 2009 - 2:28pm
EmpowHER Guest

I'm a guy and I'm 27. I have no idea if this forum is still alive... I don't have the time to read very body's response because I'm a student and I have a paper due tomorrow but just reading about your comment about your husband not wanting to touch you.... I am the same thing with my wife. The thing is... she doesn't know how to arouse me and when she does... she does it at the wrong time. You have to try what he likes and what he doesn't like... just simply touching him is not going to work... if it was the first time you guys ever made love... yeah just by touching is very exciting... but in all truth.... that sh*t gets bored. Sex in a marriage gets very boring honesly. You have to find ways to make things interesting... like for example... if you and your spouse was walking in a park... throw him behind the bushes and do him literally. Now that is what we guys call being spontaneous. It might sound like you being a dirty women and that your not like that but you know what, if a guy can't think sexually of you in that way then he will never make any sexual advances towards you. That is why husbands go out and find someone who can be dirty to them.

September 27, 2009 - 11:06pm
EmpowHER Guest

Wow. I can't believe all the similar situations posted here. I have been married for 6 years and have been dealing with the same issue ever since we said "I Do". In my case, my husband and I have talked extensively about the subject along with counseling and a month separation, etc.

It all has boiled down to the fact that he finds my body unattractive at the weight I am and was when we were married - the top side of the Dr recommended weight for my height. (People I know and strangers alike compliment me daily and find me attractive.) His window of perfection is so narrow that I don't even want to try to fit into it! After much battering of and battles with my own self esteem, countless therapy sessions and God's help in seeing this to be his problem I have come to the point where I have to make the difficult decision to either wait out his immaturity and hope he finds the way to "expand his window" or, I have to leave the one I love to let him grow on his own so that I can be happy and have a relationship that I deserve with someone who will appreciate me for who and what I am and not who or what I could become.

I have felt many times that in order to avoid being the "bad guy" and just admitting his problem with my weight and filing for divorce he has definitely tried to make this something I should change to make our marriage better and ultimitely force me to do the "dirty work" of filing for divorce and being the one to leave and give up on our marriage.

As a side note. . . I have two gorgeous, thin, married friends who have similar complaints about their husbands never wanting sex either! I can honestly say that this baffles me on their behalf as well as frustrates them to no end. My only guess for this in their relationships (because as far as I can tell the problem didn't start because they were bitchy, nags, etc) Is the possibility that porn/playboy/tv/etc have robbed them of the ability to compete for their husbands admiration with all the fantasy and no need for effort on the man's part to actually initiate sex or work on a relationship. One website said that Porn actually neuters a man! (This has also played a role in my relationship) . . .

When did it become so difficult for a man to give the woman he supposedly "loves" a freakin compliment???!!!

So, anywayz. . . just wanted to tell you all what I have come to realize - you and I deserve better and it's up to us to demand it and make it happen. No one else is going to make the decision for you. Only those of us who have been through it can understand the heartache and nights of crying and wondering exactly what went wrong where. But ultimately our happiness depends on us. I am the only one that can change my situation and ask myself what am I honestly willing to live with or give up at what price? When I look back on my own life I will have no one to blame for the choices I have made so i'd better be comfortable with the decisions I'm making right now.

As of right now, I have given my H from 2/14/9 until 2/14/10 to show some drastic improvement in the way he treats me to show me he loves me so that I can make a better informed decision about where this has been and where it is going. If I have to walk away, I will know that it wasn't because I didn't try or wasn't patient enough.

Is it because he doesn't love me enough? Or rather that I don't love him enough to deal with this anymore? Either way. . . It seems the result will be the same. Not one more to blame than the other. Just two poeple who care more about themselves than the other. Am I being too gullible to believe that just maybe there is someone out there that might be able to love me as much as I love him and that we'd both come to love each other more than ourselves??? Is it possible in a world where so many are so scarred and hurt and afraid to love by the time they are even an adult? These are the sad questions of a late-night poster, seeking answers yet expecting none. . . =}

Makes you just wanna cling to your dysfuntional relationship - like Kelly Clarkson says - You're messed up but I'm pretty messed up too! All goes back to deciding what you're willing to live with at what cost. =D

September 24, 2009 - 11:56pm
EmpowHER Guest

My husband only wants sex when he iniates it. I dont bother trying any more b/c I get tired of the heavy sigh and excuses. I have decided to start turning him down b/c when we have sex I just want more and I know I am going to have to wait another 6 weeks before he wants it again. I am considering something drastic. There is no talking about it. It's always twisted and turns out to be my fault. My self esteem is low enough. We have only been married 6 years....I am not sure I am going to be able to hang on much longer living like friends.

August 26, 2009 - 8:28pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I can connect with u dear very much ...i 2 am completing 6 years now and 5and half were without sex because he was going to diffrent girls for his needs and didnt even bother to satisfy me physically or emotionally because he thinks my behaviour with his mom was not appropriate...he had been having sex before marriage and after marriage .....unfortunatly it was never me....doesnt want to talk or reply anything now he has left going outside but still doesn't touch me....says i should loose weight first and we should be more of friends now thn may be he can some day have sex with me....Why the hell men are such bastards??? and imagine what...he ran away and got married to me... to do all this????...hahahahha...my fate ...i can just give fake laugh and make food like his mother , take care of him like his nanny and do house hold jobs like maid and be a friend and partner with him but cant be his wife...I Feel like crying...i was used so badly.. ....soooooooooooooooo depressive...

September 20, 2010 - 5:32pm
EmpowHER Guest

Sorry I meant Barbie doll. LOL!

August 24, 2009 - 9:46pm
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