Facebook Pixel

Why doesn't my husband want me?

By March 24, 2009 - 6:41am
Rate This

I am 39 years old and am a newlywed. My husband and I have only been married for a month and a half and he has already lost interest in me sexually. No matter what I do or don't do, I just can't turn him on. I once had a boyfriend who was impotent and he did at least make attempts at having sex. My husband doesn't even try. When we go to bed he goes right to sleep. A few nights ago while we were in bed, I was trying to arouse him and he simply moved my hand and turned over then went to sleep. I could understand if he had always been this way with me but he hasn't.

He makes me feel utterly repulsive.

Is there a medication I can have prescribed for me so that I don't have the urge for sex as well so that I have no problem with his lack of desire for me?

"I'm updating this Blog. If any of you women have had the same problem with your husband please get him to talk to you about what's going on. Maybe he has some health problem that he refuses to get checked out. My husband just passed on March 09. He had a massive heart attack. It was sudden. He had to go for training for the Tactical Squad for the prison where he worked on Sunday. I had no idea when I kissed him, hugged him good-bye and told him I loved him that would be the last time I would see him take a breath."

Add a Comment246 Comments

(reply to kooklop)

Hi Kooklop,

Wow... You've made alot of assumptions. If you read many of the posts here you'll see that lack of sex is only one of many abuses going on in the lives of alot of these women. You are lucky, as your husband seems to be kind and loving, open to conversation. Many of us have husbands who are withdrawn and unavailable, not just sexually, but all the time.

To assume that none of us have tried to accept the situation and learn to deal with it is outright insulting. If you are living with a man who shows you in many other ways that he loves you and you are precious to him, that is wonderfu, but until you've lived with a man that treats you as a parsite, you simply don't know how this feels. Ask your husband's therapist, he or she will tell you that we are being mentally and emotionally abused.

Granted, my comments come from someone who has made the choose to leave. I cannot speak for everyone here, but the word "want" to me implies the whole package. Sex is just one of the many componants.

August 4, 2009 - 4:38am

That's a good book. There is also a book by Daphne Rose Kingma titled "Coming Apart - Why relationships end and how to live through the endIng of yours". Ms. Kingma is a marriage counselor who admits that her job is to keep people from killing each other durring the divorce! She breaks down the process of un-loving someone and starting fresh very well. For those who have never gone through divorce or separation, this book is like having a guide so you know what to expect (from an emotional point of view) around every corner. It is also a great book because it helps you to recognize if your relationship can be restored.

August 1, 2009 - 2:13pm
EmpowHER Guest

I read this book found in the self help of Barns and Noble and Boarders, (sorry, I don't remember the author) called "When your Lover is a Liar" it changed my life and helped me make some really tough decisions about where my life was heading. I suggest everyone read this book, it saved my life.

August 1, 2009 - 12:52pm
EmpowHER Guest

My story sounds a lot like your stories. After just a few months of marriage, my husband became distant and he "didn't know why." A year later, we were about to move, and suddenly he told me maybe I shouldn't go with him because he was afraid I'd blame him for making me leave my job and friends. This was so out-of-nowhere, I did everything to get us back on track. I ended up moving with him, and quickly learned why he wanted to leave me behind. He'd found another woman. And he'd been looking for one the whole time we were together. A few years later (after working things out, or so I thought), when it was time for him to move again, he said maybe it would be better if he went alone--and I just let him go. He's gone, but he still can't let "us" go. He's since lost the new girlfriend, is looking for others, but can't bring himself to sign the papers. But he obviously doesn't want to treat me the way I want/need to be treated. I'm taking away a lot from your posts. "People treat you the way you let them, not the way you deserve." I had a challenging childhood, so it was tough for me to realize that I didn't need to put up with this cr*p. I grew up with a narcissist parent, so I didn't see the red flags (they were just part of "real life" to me). I'm so happy to learn that I'm not alone. And I can look at this as B.S., instead of what it feels like sometimes, "a tragedy." It's not tragic, it's just a shame he's just a selfish, immature jerk. And I don't need to take it anymore. For a long time, it hurt me to think of doing anything that would hurt him; but now I realize that was the wrong way of thinking, and I've suffered needlessly because of it. But I learned. :)

August 1, 2009 - 12:06pm
(reply to Anonymous)

There is nothing more beautiful than strong, confident women taking control of their lives and nothing uglier and more pathetic than a man whose been "caught", begging for forgiveness. I raise my glass (a yummy Pinot Nior) in a toast to us all. Salante!

August 1, 2009 - 12:52pm

Narcissists are the master manipulators and they are completely selfish. Sex addicts are typically narcissists, as well as, cult leaders and people like Casey Anthony... or Susan Smith. All they see is their own little worlds, with their own little needs!!

I know I have run into two or three or four... :-)

Reading, for me, is the master healer for troubled times when you ar making a big life change and feel a little like you are at a fork in the road. Internet is loaded with good self help stuff... but if you go to a Barnes and Noble and hang out in the self help section... you'll want to stay in there all day! Well at least I do, it helps to understand what my plight is when I can read about it and disect it. I don't know... try it, see if it helps you!

By the way, women are supposed to support one another, we just forget sometimes out there battling all the battles we face as mothers, wives, employees, bill payers and tax payers... you know the rest!
Any time!

July 21, 2009 - 9:34pm
(reply to texasgirl)

You're right about that Texas girl. Now that he's realized I'm leaving, he is trying to contol how I go about leaving! I realized while I was packing yesterday that when we were first married and I was moving in with him he didn't lift a finger to help me! He was conveniently not available... I should've known

July 23, 2009 - 6:38am

As a girlfriend once said to me "Onward and Upward". People say lots of things but for some reason that one stuck... it just said much for so little! Another girlfriend coined the phrase... "Walk away with your chin held high and your middle finger heald higher!!" I like that one too... :-)
So use them both...
I know the term sex addict gets thrown around a lot... but I have been doing some reading on it because my sister's ULTRA worthless boyfriend is definitely one. I won't even get into all that... but, your husband had much of the same characteristics. Personally, if my husband ever pulled that garbage or even a portion of it (which thank GOD he is a good guy, so he wouldn't), I would tell him to get the hell out whether he had a problem or not. I wouldn't care to deal with it. I am not a doctor and your issues with "infidelity, dishonesty, needing the attention of other women so you can feel wanted and pathetic computer sex" is not my problem to fix. Bye bye!

You are doing the right thing!!

July 21, 2009 - 4:01pm
(reply to texasgirl)

I just want to take a moment to thank everyone for their encouragement. As most of us know, while we are deviding our belongings when getting divorced, we also unknowingly are dividing up our friends. It can be hard sometimes to keep supportive people close at hand.

A close friend who is a therapist told me that if I thought about staying to look up Narcissistic Disorder before I committed because she thought my H fit this profile. She was dead on! The only trait that my H doesn't have is physically abusive. Anyone dealing with a controlling, manipulative, emotionally abusive H, should look it up... It's extremely scarey and motivating!

July 21, 2009 - 9:03pm

Ronda... Your very welcome! He is all about pushing blame to excuse his behavior. He is such a victim, isn't he? I hate that... it's called redirecting and I have no need for it! Are you guys divorced or working on it?

Diane... thanks for the completements, I tried hard to word it the right way and am glad it came across as I was hoping it would. I agree with you... there are two rules of thought I live by and try to pass along when it fits. 1. You can't love someone for their potential, you might be waiting forever for that person while living with a jerk. 2. Love is NOT a reason to stay in a relationship. Love alone can't make a marriage work... it takes a whole lot more than that. Love is the baseline, that is where it starts... like #1 in a list of 20... you know?

Blewtheturn... yeah, I said that sentence "he is trying to get you to leave him!" at least 3 or 4 times while I was reading the whole post... I have seen that too many times. It's actually really a weak, pathetic and cruel way to end a relationship! I like your grandmother's saying, that's cute and quite wise! I love Grandmother's for their insight! Also, I am glad you dumped that worthless individual... he sounds exactly like the guy my sister is dating and she just keeps "loving him for his potential" he did all those things you mentioned. My biggest problem of them all... DO NOT ever, ever compete with my son for my love or attention. I can tell you right now, he wins hands down!
Meaning, he is a child and needs me and you are a grown man, so if you can't separate those two things and act like a grown up... you need to go! I don't walk around spouting that off or anything nor would I let my son know that is the case. It was covered that detail in the beginning when we first started dating... I told him, if you ever make me choose... by not doing your part and helping to make the relationship you have with him work... by insulting him or using poor judgement out of an immature emotional reaction or not consider his healthy upbringing when interacting with him... I will choose him over you because I can't risk affecting the rest of his life on my choice of a relationship. He totally understood and agreed with my position.

Thanks ladies for the comments... :-)

July 20, 2009 - 4:35pm
Enter the characters shown in the image.
By submitting this form, you agree to EmpowHER's terms of service and privacy policy
Add a Comment

All user-generated information on this site is the opinion of its author only and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for any medical conditions. Members and guests are responsible for their own posts and the potential consequences of those posts detailed in our Terms of Service.

Sex & Relationships

Get Email Updates

Resource Centers

Sex & Relationships Guide

HERWriter Guide

Have a question? We're here to help. Ask the Community.


Health Newsletter

Receive the latest and greatest in women's health and wellness from EmpowHER - for free!