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Why doesn't my husband want me?

By March 24, 2009 - 6:41am
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I am 39 years old and am a newlywed. My husband and I have only been married for a month and a half and he has already lost interest in me sexually. No matter what I do or don't do, I just can't turn him on. I once had a boyfriend who was impotent and he did at least make attempts at having sex. My husband doesn't even try. When we go to bed he goes right to sleep. A few nights ago while we were in bed, I was trying to arouse him and he simply moved my hand and turned over then went to sleep. I could understand if he had always been this way with me but he hasn't.

He makes me feel utterly repulsive.

Is there a medication I can have prescribed for me so that I don't have the urge for sex as well so that I have no problem with his lack of desire for me?

"I'm updating this Blog. If any of you women have had the same problem with your husband please get him to talk to you about what's going on. Maybe he has some health problem that he refuses to get checked out. My husband just passed on March 09. He had a massive heart attack. It was sudden. He had to go for training for the Tactical Squad for the prison where he worked on Sunday. I had no idea when I kissed him, hugged him good-bye and told him I loved him that would be the last time I would see him take a breath."

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EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I have a similar problem.Got married 3 years back. Shifted to my husband's city. We had sex before marriage. But he stopped responding since our honeymoon.
We went for counselling, he never liked it. Never finished it. He doesn't even do sex talk with me.Females still have a crush on him, he is every one's hero. He loves to spend time with friends get back home late. Otherwise we joke a lot, have fun. But when it comes to sex, he dozes off. Also, he gets tickled every where, doesnt get aroused when touched there. I find it weird.
I was totally shattered, didn't feel like working or doing anything new.I used to feel I went wrong some hwere or he is still interested in his ex or gay ....I did feel like divorcing him.Now able to cope with it better because of my hectic job. But yes it is very difficult. the worst part is that he doesnt want a solution at all.

March 3, 2010 - 4:14am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Alison Beaver)

Amen Alison Beaver...
you made so much sense. thank you!!!!
i think a lot of women have a tendency to make it "about them", and take on this victim position, very negative thinking and no matter how they say they would like to find a solution...they are misdirected by their own thinking and their so-called "solution" is what keep them stuck in their situation.

November 12, 2009 - 9:40pm

DiW, what a heartbreaking situation. I'm so glad you found EmpowHer. Let's see what we can find out for you.

May I ask a few more questions?

How long were you together before you got married? Did you have this problem before your marriage at all?

Has anything changed in your lives besides the fact that you got married? Work stress, job changes, family problems, medical issues, anything like that?

Are you trying to get pregnant? If so, are you both in agreement on wanting to try?

Please understand that this is not about you -- it's something going on within him. You are a normal, healthy 39-year-old woman, and sex is a natural desire. I completely understand why you might feel that you are repulsive to him, but that feeling won't help get you through this time. You need to realize that you are just as attractive, loving, loyal and good as you were in the past, and that for some reason, he's having a problem right now seeing or feeling that.

Give us a little more information and let us try to help.

March 24, 2009 - 8:16am
(reply to Diane Porter)

We were together for almost 2 years before we got married. We lived together for about 1 1/2 years before we got married.
We're not trying to have a baby or anything like that. My tubes have been tied since I was 23. Neither of us want more kids. We've been going through this ordeal off and on for about a year. First he began to give me excuses for not wanting to touch me. He'd tell me things he didn't like about me. I've changed everything he didn't like to the point that I don't even feel like "me" anymore. It seemed to help the situation for a while. Then suddenly we were right back where we started from.
The only thing which has changed in our situation is the fact that we got married.

March 24, 2009 - 7:53pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to DiW)

Hi, I'm 20yrs old and my husband is 23. We have a 5 month old and I thought we were happy. Here lately, in the past month or so, my husband has completely ignored any hint of sex. He's always seemed to be pretty in to it until now. I had him take a little test on an app on my phone...it said that his sex life was almost nonexistent and that and that his sex drive was either very low or he hadn't found the one and only.....Idk what's going on, I'm kind of afraid to find out. Honestly Whats with men these days?

June 24, 2010 - 11:36pm
(reply to DiW)

Dear DiW,
Oh dear. its depressing to hear your story because you're just starting out on this road. Ive been married for 13 years now, and it all started to go wrong for us in exactly the same way, as soon as I moved in with my husband. You will spend the next few years going through emotional hell. Coping with a partner who doesnt feel sexual towards you is a lot like dealing with a type of bereavement. You will find that over the next few years (if you decide to stick at it) you will go through numerous phases. You will blame yourself first. It'll be your weight, your clothes, your approach...basically, anything you can think of to blame yourself. Every now and then you'll try and pull yourself together and you'll go and buy sexy underwear or do whatever you can to try and jolt your husband back into a sexual relationship with you. No doubt he will find ways to blame you, deflecting the feelings of guilt he has himself, and this cycle will no doubt keep repeating itself until you are left with no control at all over your marriage, no self confidence, and no sex life. You'll find yourself accepting grateful hugs from family members and friends because it just feels so good to be touched by someone even if its in a platonic way. Eventually, you will realise that all the platitudes that get sent your way by well meaning others (who offer advice but frnakly have NO IDEA at all what living this hell is like) mean nothing at all. The crap about "its not your fault, its him not you, your are beautiful and normal...etc etc etc" do nothing to help your self esteem as it trickles down the plughole. PLEASE take my advise and do one of the following.
1) Get couples sex counciling NOW. As you've been married for such a short time, its possible that it can all be fixed and whatever the problem is (and its likely to be something completly unrelated to sex) can be sorted out and you may stand a chance of living a wonderful life together. My husband would not entertain the idea, which is why Ive ended up where I am. Be really strong. THreaten to leave is he doesnt go - you HAVE to give it a try. 2) Take the piss or get off the pot approach. Sit yourself down and be HONEST with yourself. Ask yourself the question "Can I live in a sexless marriage? Is my love for my husband greater than my need for sex?" If the answer is yes, then brace yourself. You have some very tough years of abstainance ahead. For your own sanity you will have to condition yourself to not want sex so that over time, it ceases to be an issue. If you cant live in a sexless marriage, its time to re-evaluate your life. Leave your marriage now before the years together make it harder to do. In my opinion, choosing a sexless marriage but having an affair to quench your sexual desire is not an option, but it may be for you. Think about it, and be honest with yourself and what you think you are capable of. 3) If you choose to stick with your husband and back off sexually (over the years you will realise that trying to initiate sex or even talk about the lack of it will cause arguments and you are far better off avoiding the whole subject) you need to have a plan to rebuild your life. If this is what you choose, you need to lay down a plan that will help you rebuild your self esteem and your SELF as a whole. THis is the hardest bit. If you are going without sex for the sake of the person you love (for whatever reason) realise that you deserve a treat. Get a gym membership (exercise is a great way to help squash your libido - you work out all the frustration that builds up) go get your hair done regularly. Dress well for YOURSELF ( remember you no longer have to please him or dress to turn him on. You can dress the way YOU want to.) Go to the theatre, learn to grow in ways that please you. Basically, its about learning to like yourself again once someone has made you feel two inches tall. Believe it or not, its the hardest part, even harder than living without passion, sex, eroticism and touch. You will get there in the end. You will never stop mourning what you have lost. You will never stop feeling like you will cry every time you see a couple in love who want to touch each other, and want to show each other physical affection BUT what you will have is a marriage that isnt ina state of constant fighting, upset and trauma, and you also stand a really good chance of having a unique relationship with your husband that is based on a weird kind of friendship and trust. Sometimes, the therapists banging on and on and on about "talking about it" isnt the way to go. Maybe your husband loves you for who you are. Maybe he isnt attracted to you that much sexually, maybe you dont make his knees go weak, and maybe he's bored of seeing you maked and just doesnt find it a turn on anymore. That sadly is the harsh reality of it, but is it really the end of the world? You are the only one that can decide that. If it is, get a divorce now and save yourself the heartache of the next ten years.

July 29, 2009 - 7:57am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to kooklop)

I really like this post. I know it is old, but I'm glad I found it. I got married on July 14, 2012. My husband and I have only been intimate 3 times. It is extremely hard for me to understand why he doesn't want to be intimate with me because he was all over me before we got married. And now I could be standing naked in front of him and he doesn't even notice. I have been in relationships before and this hasn't been an issue so it is so hard for me to understand why this is happening. I was happy to see that others have had this happen and it was somewhat encouraging to see in the post that the woman was married 13 years. Divorce really isn't an option for me so I guess I'll have to get used to a life without sex. My husband is kind and loving so I guess I can't complain too much.

August 3, 2012 - 11:03am
(reply to kooklop)

hi. i read your blog and it seems as if your talking about me.
i have , what one can call a very complicated marriage. I am 25, married for just over 1 year and my husband doesnt like to have sex with me. i am alone in this country and have no one. i cant talk to him about sex at all. its like forbidden. when we first married he never used to touch me. one night he found me crying and i told him why dont u touch me, and things kind of changed. after somne time it wnet back the same,never touching me, never showing me affection, never kisses me, hugs me when i need it, never listens to what i am saying or what i am trying to say. eventually i met a man in work, who i could be myself with, we would laugh, and we connected, eventually he told me he loved me and asked me to leave my husband, i had a brief affair until i told my husband. my husband didnt seem to mind if i stayed or if i went with this man, so i stayed. thinking maybe he would change and after all he is my husband and i am alone. i was scared to leave , scared that the new man i met would leave me as well, and truth be told i loved my husband more. and to admit the truth my husband seemed much better towards me. showing me more attention,ect. but i know he only has sex with because he knows i want it. i know he doesnt like to have sex with me. i just feel it, sex to him seems like a chore. i dont know how to even begin to talk to him about this. or why he doesnt like this. actually i know the truth already. i just really want the courage to leave. i am now 25 and i dont want to waste time with someone who will eventually leave me.i wish i could explain to you exactly what has happened, or just tell anyone. sorry for such a sorrow full message, just felt like maybe you understand.even sitting here typing i am crying. i no longer know what to do. feel empty.

January 1, 2011 - 2:10pm
(reply to yasmin)

I know that it has been a long time since you posted this, but I wanted you to know that if you need someone to talk to you can talk to me. I know I'm a total stranger, but my heart went out to you when I read your post. I am so sorry that you are going through this, and you have to know that you don't have to stay with a man that doesn't care to make you happy. You have to care about yourself first and foremost. Love you and leave him. That is the solution. If you ever want to talk, you can send me a message. Good luck.

November 30, 2011 - 6:49pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to kooklop)

I do not adequate love and sex together; however, I think that you are lying to yourself. Short of medical reasons, no man wants to be with a woman that he is not attracted to sexually. There is an issue with his hormones, heart, STRESS, alcohol, drugs, erectile dsyfunction, not sleeping enough...all of these things kill the libedo of a man...you have to be proactive, and if is not willing to see to your needs at all. Time to end the relationship. It sounds a bit to me like you like to tell youself this is working and yet you sound so miserable that I can't help but think that maybe he is miserable too. You need to get in and see a therapist, he needs to see a doctor...his life might actually depend upon it!

December 23, 2010 - 9:20am
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