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Why doesn't my husband want me?

By March 24, 2009 - 6:41am
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I am 39 years old and am a newlywed. My husband and I have only been married for a month and a half and he has already lost interest in me sexually. No matter what I do or don't do, I just can't turn him on. I once had a boyfriend who was impotent and he did at least make attempts at having sex. My husband doesn't even try. When we go to bed he goes right to sleep. A few nights ago while we were in bed, I was trying to arouse him and he simply moved my hand and turned over then went to sleep. I could understand if he had always been this way with me but he hasn't.

He makes me feel utterly repulsive.

Is there a medication I can have prescribed for me so that I don't have the urge for sex as well so that I have no problem with his lack of desire for me?

"I'm updating this Blog. If any of you women have had the same problem with your husband please get him to talk to you about what's going on. Maybe he has some health problem that he refuses to get checked out. My husband just passed on March 09. He had a massive heart attack. It was sudden. He had to go for training for the Tactical Squad for the prison where he worked on Sunday. I had no idea when I kissed him, hugged him good-bye and told him I loved him that would be the last time I would see him take a breath."

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(reply to texasgirl)

Texasgirl, we are not divorced yet. I am in the proccess of moving out. I have nowhere to go yet so I'm putting my things into storage and looking for a roomate. If I don't find one I'm going to an extended stay hotel. I have no family here and am not quite finacially equipped to just quit my job yet. I've gone on one out of state job interview and both of my grown sons have offered me a room with them (one in CA and one in CO) but I'm not even 50 yet, I can take care of myself :-)

My H works overnight every third night and usually works a 7-7 or 11-11 shift. For the first time ever, it's nice that he's gone so much of the time. Less time fighting and listening to his excuses.

The evidence I have found first turned up in Nov. last year. He swore it was a one time thing, strictly online and begged for a second chance. I conceeded, following the adage "keep you friends close and your enemies closer" and found that he was doing the same thing in Jan. , Feb. and March. of last year. While I was recovering from a bad car accident and had 3 broken ribs and a separated shoulder! He said he forgot... What a jack [email protected]#. I have since found an explicit email to a girl he used to work with dated 3/7/07!! So I'm done discussing this with him. I just want out.

July 21, 2009 - 3:04pm
(reply to Rhondafanonda)

Good for you for leaving him, Rhonda! That takes such courage. You're very strong to do what you're doing -- every step you take will lead you to a better future.

July 21, 2009 - 3:47pm
(reply to Kristin Davis)

Thanks Kristin, I thought I was having a heart attack when I found out what he was doing. I had trouble breathing and was dizzy. I was devistated! When I confronted him and he lied I became extremely angry and began doing some research. What I discovered made it easier to make this decision. Thanks again for your encouragement.

July 21, 2009 - 10:40pm
(reply to Rhondafanonda)

I can't even imagine what you felt. What a horrible deception.

I really am proud of you -- I know how hard it is to drum up the courage to end a relationship/marriage. It took me several years to end mine. And the wild thing is that even as depressed as I was, I had no idea just how unhappy I was in my marriage until it was over. Then, I swear the entire world just completely brightened by a hundred shades. I'm so happy now, and it shows on the outside so much that people I haven't seen in a while actually don't recognize me. Believe me, life will get so much better for you!!

July 22, 2009 - 10:48am

Let me interject here with a different perspective. We all know men don't communicate the same way women do. If a guy wants to break things off with a girl, he will frequently act like such a jerk that we dump them. That way they are off the hook. If they are cheating, they will accuse the woman of cheating. My grandmother used to say that a man won't look for shoes under his bed unless he's been hiding his own under another's. She was wise. Mine didn't want sex with me, but loved porn sites and self love. Now that we split, he wants me all the time. He tells me now that he was intimidated because he couldn't satisfy me all the time. He forgets that it usually only lasted 3 minutes with minimal foreplay. It takes longer than that to get warmed up.

He also was competitive with my son for my attention. He constantly found fault with him. It really was a nightmare. I wound up just getting bombed every night so I wouldn't have to deal with it. Not a good place to be and I gained 50 pounds. Don't let this happen to you.

I have found that people treat you the way you let them, not the way you deserve. Demand respect for yourself and if he can't or won't-- cut your losses. Do you really want to be 60 in a sexless and miserable marriage? I didn't.

July 20, 2009 - 10:21am
(reply to BlewTheTurn)

Thanks for the wonderful reminder:

"People treat you the way you let them, not the way you deserve". Very helpful, and worth repeating, for many of these women in hurtful relationships.

July 21, 2009 - 2:02pm

Texasgirl, your post is wonderful. Supportive, insightful, thoughtful. Marriages are hard enough when both partners are considerate and giving to the other! I had a friend in a marriage for 23 years that had to finally leave even though she admitted she loved him. Loving someone and being able to live with them ARE, indeed, two separate things sometimes.

Thanks for writing, it will be interesting to see what others have to say.

July 20, 2009 - 9:43am

I realize that I am probably going to come off as being rather abrasive here. But reading through this whole thing just now has me thinking a few things... I am not pointing fingers, judging, jumping to an uncalled for solution or attempting to undermine anyone's pain. I know that when you are in the "middle" of something and you are hurting, confused, frustrated, scared and borderlining going just plan crazy it's hard to see the forest for the trees. I am also aware that my viewpoints may not line up with each person's viewpoints, who are struggling through this right now. But the beautiful thing about the human nature is that we all have perceptions we can share, if you get something from what someone shares... GREAT, that is the best that can be expected. If you don't agree, surely dismiss my comments... as I would, of course want everyone to THINK for themselves!! Do what is RIGHT for your lives, I actually respect that kind of pioneering spirit!

I want to give a high five (so to speak) to ALL of you ladies and the 2 men, who kind heartedly wanted to help others in pain and discord! That's really unselfishly kind of you!!

Here are my thoughts as I am running through this with my husband, we are learning as we read and are expressing thoughts (which matched up... if that helps at all!):

1. It appears to me that nearly every single woman whose husband has decided that things just aren't to his liking anymore... feels the need and pressure and/or responsiblity to FIX them or the situation. As the two gentlemen who posted mentioned, it is for BOTH to do... Ladies, it is in our natures to make things ok... we are nurturers and protectors of emotions and feelings. However, you are NOT doing that same thing for yourself.

2. Yes when you marry, you take vows... for better or for worse to see it through... but from what I can see ladies... the men appear to be in BREACH OF CONTRACT. They are not holding up their end of the relationship ~ and not by a small margin ~ I mean not AT ALL. Sure they are physically present, but so is a pet or a piece of furniture. If they are the individual who is pulling away emotionally & intimately... Then the least they can offer within a reasonable amount of time is the courtesy of an apology for it and an explaination of it. There is no compromising on that one... you can't be in a relationship on your own. That is not a marriage and this is NOT 1955 anymore when women didn't have their needs considered or sexual needs fulfilled. Tammy Wynette is a wonderful woman but if I am going to stand by my man, he better be there holding my hand doing the same for me!

3. Ok this one is for Jules and Jules alone. Sweetheart, your story reminds me a little of Fried Green Tomatoes... I assume you have seen that movie. Ms. Kathy Bates was the sweetest wife (as I can easily see that you are too) and she was doing everything she could to get her husbands attention... he dismissed her, insulted her, made her feel like a ridiculous fool and didn't so much as contribute a fraction of the efforts she was putting forth. My hope is that the woman she became in the end... strong, brave, self-sufficient and demanding of respect OR ELSE... is who you will decide to convert to. Because while your personality is a wonderful gift, people tend to see it and dominate it if they can (which is a shame)!!
UNLESS, they are a person with an ounce of respect for your willingness to basically scale a mountain to make your husband treat you like he loves you again. Admirable as h*ll, but you are wasting that effort on the wrong individual (I am sorry to have to say) because the "other shoe IS going to drop"!! Bank on it!
A man who loves his wife, wants to protect her physically, love her tenderly, hold her tightly and make certain that she is admired for exactly who she is. You don't need to lose one single pound girl!! My sister is about your size and I am STILL working on getting through her head that she is beautiful as she is!! You are too!!

4. RondaFanonda ~ we absolutely LOVED your post! While I was reading it I was like ... come on girl... as much as wanting to believe the best in people is, again another admirable quality!! You are being manipulated with it and made to feel like "the help" in your own home. I am sorry that you were treated with such disregard - while you stood by and patiently awaited your husband to pull it together. Now, don't ever do that again. :-) Lesson learned! You gotta get what you are giving! Way to pull up your boot straps girl!

5. DiW ~ Love yourself. Know that you are wonderfully spectacular and it's unfortunate that the man who was lucky enough to rope you in... will be saying that he didn't know what he had when he had it. I hope that you will decide to say, a marriage is 2 people working for the better of each other. Not one person running in circles while the other throws up road blocks to see if she'll notice it! Never ever ever settle for less than your husband vowed to provide. Breach of contract sweetie!

LiKe I said, I am sure that I have ruffled some feathers but my intentions are without a doubt meant to open your eyes to loving yourself enough to say "no, this is not acceptable"!
Good luck... please feel free to message back whether it is a good one or an angry one.

July 19, 2009 - 7:45pm
(reply to texasgirl)

There are no ruffled feathers here. If I hadn't wanted to welcome people's opinions, I wouldn't have bothered sharing this issue.
As for Bill and me, things seem to be a little better. I'm waiting for that big ball to drop though.
My daughter is still at her sister's house for the rest of the summer.
Thanks for the comments.

July 21, 2009 - 1:52pm
(reply to texasgirl)

Hey Texasgirl, thanks for the encouraging words. You know what's funny? I asked my H if he ever cheated on his ex and he said "she cheated on me first"...'nuff said :) Adios Mo Fo!

July 20, 2009 - 9:33am
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