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Why doesn't my husband want me?

By March 24, 2009 - 6:41am
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I am 39 years old and am a newlywed. My husband and I have only been married for a month and a half and he has already lost interest in me sexually. No matter what I do or don't do, I just can't turn him on. I once had a boyfriend who was impotent and he did at least make attempts at having sex. My husband doesn't even try. When we go to bed he goes right to sleep. A few nights ago while we were in bed, I was trying to arouse him and he simply moved my hand and turned over then went to sleep. I could understand if he had always been this way with me but he hasn't.

He makes me feel utterly repulsive.

Is there a medication I can have prescribed for me so that I don't have the urge for sex as well so that I have no problem with his lack of desire for me?

"I'm updating this Blog. If any of you women have had the same problem with your husband please get him to talk to you about what's going on. Maybe he has some health problem that he refuses to get checked out. My husband just passed on March 09. He had a massive heart attack. It was sudden. He had to go for training for the Tactical Squad for the prison where he worked on Sunday. I had no idea when I kissed him, hugged him good-bye and told him I loved him that would be the last time I would see him take a breath."

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EmpowHER Guest

I am also a man. I had a similar issue with my ex-wife. Her sex drive was much more constant than mine (i.e. 1 or 2 times a day vs. every few days for me). It caused huge stresses in our marriage. She was suspicious and jealous and that was exacerbated by the difference in sex drives. The increased suspicion, of course, decreased my desire to be close to her.

I think every situation is different, but no marriage will ever be happy and fulfilling unless both partners get outside themselves and communicate. In my situation, sadly, that never happened.

July 14, 2009 - 12:32pm
(reply to Anonymous)

I really appreciate your sharing your story. It was helpful to read, and I hope many women and men will be motivated to begin talking with one another about their expectations regarding their shared intimacy, so there can be better communication and connection.

It's strange how difficult it is to talk about intimacy and sex, but I strongly believe this is a learned behavior, and many people do not ever learn how to talk about their feelings and expectations and desires...it's embarrassing and we don't have the words sometimes to describe what we mean regarding this taboo topic. I hope couples keep practicing at communicating with one another, as hopes, dreams, desires, expectations, behaviors, feelings....these all keep changing and need to be re-visited.

I hope you are doing well now!

July 14, 2009 - 1:11pm
EmpowHER Guest

Wow! I am not sure after finding this site if I feel better or worse - lol. I am going through a similar experience to most of the women on this post. I have been married for less than a year and I have to basically initiate sex anytime I want to be intimate with my husband. At one point, I stopped initiating the sex just to see what would happen. He didn't do anything for weeks! Finally, I got so frustrated that I caved and started initiating the sex again.

Here is our history: We have known eachother for 20 years, since we were 13. We were both childhood sweethearts although we never kissed or anything like that then. I moved away the following year, but we kept in touch on and off. He said that he would marry me one day. We started dating 10 years ago, but didn't get married because we got into a huge fight and couldn't resolve it at that time. I moved on and found someone else which later ended in divorce, but he never got married, claiming he couldn't because he was still in love with me. I had always felt the same way and struggled with this in my previous marraige - I never talked with this about anyone - but we never had an affair or ever discussed our feelings for eachother while I was still married. We lived in separate states for another 10 years and last year after my divorce he asked me to come here and we got married. *Please keep in mind he was not the reason for my divorce. I didn't know that he even still loved me until after the fact, although we remained distant friends.

Anyway, we would chat on the phone all of the time prior to our marriage because we were in separate states. He would always comment on what a healthy sexual appetitie he had and I thought it was great because I felt the same way.

But it seems odd to me because right from the "get go" he wasn't interested in sex with me and I found it odd. I am always told that I am beautiful and everwhere I go I turn heads right and left. He always remarks how lucky he is to have me and that I could have any guy, yet he doesn't want me?

I find this to be extremely painful, so I know what you ladies are going through. And the real issue shouldn't be the way you look. That isn't why your husband married you. Everyone wants to be valued and loved as a person and this should be a part of marriage and it hurts when it isn't.

My husband also always tells me how much he loves me. He is always really sweet and supportive with everything else, just not the sex. I do catch him looking at other women - which is natural, but I can't understand his distance in the bedroom and it brings me to tears on a consistent basis.

I am so hurt through all of this and I feel so sad. I have tried talking to him about this and he denies that anything is wrong. He says that he is attracted to me and still loves me, so what is going on? So I ask him if these things are true, why don't I turn you on? Why don't you ever intiate anything? I am lying here naked in front of you and there is absolutely no response from you! There have been a few times where he has rejected me in the bedroom and I have gotten so upset that I think he just gives in now instead of starting a fight, which is not good either because I never know if it is real.

I don't know what the answer is and I know that every situation is different, but the bottom line is it still hurts. And what else do you do when your man is in denial or won't communicate or lies to you? It has to be something? Right?

I wish I could just let this go, but it just hurts too much. I have also considered divorce because this has ruined my once healthy self-confidence and self image. I don't want to loose who I am, but I feel I have already lost a lot of myself and an important part of our marriage as well.

I wish all of you the best and I hope that we can all resolve these issues and come to a conclusion that will result in a happy ending. I also agree the "MAN" on this site that said it is OUR issue. That is totally true. A marriage is about two people joined togther as one. :0)

Thanks in advance to anyone reading this post.

July 14, 2009 - 10:00am
EmpowHER Guest

I just stumbled across this post. I may not be welcome here being a man, but I feel the need to post something about this subject.
I am a 39 year old healthy and male. I am sexually attracted to my wife. The thing is I don't have the same sex drive as my wife. I could be considered by some to be the anti-male in that I just don't really think about sex that much. It could be some chemical imbalance I don't know or care. My wife and I had problems for a while with this before we finally worked it out. The issue was not mine or hers it was OURS. My part was feeling like she was asking for too much with her sexual needs, and her part was confusing love with sex. She thought that my not wanting sex meant I didn't love or want her. Once we talked about this without fighting (that took several attempts) things got much better. I actually began to give my wife more attention and she started to see the other ways I would show my love and commitment.

Anyway that was my way of saying that the only way to resolve this is to keep trying to talk about it.

July 13, 2009 - 1:34pm
(reply to Anonymous)

You are brave! Lmao Thanks for your comment. Hearing a man's outlook does put a different perspective on things. However, I'm not sure where my relationship is with my husband at this point. We were doing better then suddenly one day after getting angry at one of my daughter's friends he told me he didn't want to be married to me anymore. Suddenly after being together for 2 years he had this huge problem with my kids. He reminded me that when we met he had told me he didn't want any more kids. He had told me that either I move out or he does. I had more places to go so I was the one who moved out. He asked me to move back in but things just don't feel right. I don't dare to move my belongings back in because I have this uncertainty. I have an uncertainty about everything pertaining to "us". I feel as if he's just playing games with me.

July 13, 2009 - 7:03pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to DiW)

The men's comments on here are very helpful and they all seem to be saying the same thing.
To continue to communicate with them and that this is important and don't give up no matter how hard it seems. Remember men and women communicate differently and are just so different from each other, I can see how there will be a miscommunications. I am a woman and I've read most of the women's comments here...I don't think they are helping DiW much. I think DiW would be wise to listen to the men (instead of the women) who are visiting this forum. The men here are sincere and telling their point of view, which is a huge goldmine! A gift! Also DiW's problem seem to be much more emcompassing than the sex problem. There is a whole issue of the kids and how to raise them. No doubt those conflicts affects and dampens the sexual part of their relationship. Communication is key!

November 3, 2009 - 10:50pm
(reply to Anonymous)


That's a very thoughtful and generous response. And you're right, having a forum like this where both men and women are anonymously giving their honest thoughts -- is incredibly valuable.

Thanks for writing.

November 5, 2009 - 8:40am

I am new to this site and can't believe I stumbled onto so many women suffering similarly as I am suffering. My husband started making excuses for avoiding sex as soon as we were married! In the last 5 years we have gone from having sex 4 or 5 times a week to 3 or 4 times a year and the intimacy is gone. My husband looks away from me when he kisses me (on the cheek or the corner of my mouth as he rarely kisses me on the mouth anymore). He only touches me when he wants sex and has rejected my advaces so regularly that I don't even try anymore.

I tried to accept him as a man with a low sex drive and I tried to learn to live this way until I caught him on craigslist exchanging emails with other women. He has also joined several singles sights, takes phone calls outside and "ogles" other women in public.

My husband swears he's never actually had sex with anyone els since we've been together and I'm not sure if I can believe him. He is a first responder, loves racing, skydiving and stars crap with someone at every event we attend. I am coming to realize that he is an adrinaline junky and itsthe chase that he gets off on. Once he caught me he lost interest. Ithink he loves me but he is severely emotionally retarded and I am divorcing him.

July 12, 2009 - 9:21pm

DiW, things just aren't adding up for me here.

I'm so glad he finally let you know what the "problem" is, but to me, it sounds a bit invented. Otherwise, why wouldn't he have said anything sooner?

I don't know you or your husband, of course, and I hate to make assumptions that are untrue. But the fact that 18 months into your married you "have learned to just live with it and deal with it one day at a time. I'm not going to allow all of this to break me" makes me very sad. Marriage should not be about who breaks whom. And I have to say that if you feel like you are being pushed to that point, that it may be better to reconsider -- before you have spent, instead of 2 years in an unhappy union, 12 or 22 years.

Is there any way that he would go to couples counseling with you? Because it sounds like it might be very good for the both of you to have a third party in the room who is objective and who can help guide the two of you toward better communication?

Like you, I also believe that "If you love him and "know" that he loves you then divorce is not the answer. When two people love each other they can overcome anything life throws at them." I have been married for more than 19 years and we have had to work through some tough stuff. However, BOTH people have to try. BOTH people have to believe that way. And right now it sounds like that's not happening at all. And in the meantime, I see you -- and everything that makes you feel like you -- getting squashed. That's just not progress, you know?

June 19, 2009 - 9:38am
(reply to Diane Porter)

I guess you misunderstood something in the prior postings. We have "lived" together almost for about 18 months. We recently got married. Feb. 14, 2009, so actually it took me about 3 months into my marriage to decide to just deal with it from day to day. I made that decision about a month ago. We usually begin having a discussion about the issue and it seems to always turn into a senseless argument, whereas nothing actually gets accomplished because both of us end up saying mean spiteful things to each other which we don't really mean, which in the long run actually creates more problems.

He did finally admit a few days ago that sex doesn't even cross his mind most of the time. Now I need to figure out how to deal with this issue.

As for unhappiness, I'm happy most of the time but this does tend to still get to me from time to time even though I have learned how to deal with it.

As for the counseling, I've attempted to get him to agree to marriage counseling but he doesn't want to consider it.

June 19, 2009 - 1:22pm
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