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Why doesn't my husband want me?

By March 24, 2009 - 6:41am
 
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I am 39 years old and am a newlywed. My husband and I have only been married for a month and a half and he has already lost interest in me sexually. No matter what I do or don't do, I just can't turn him on. I once had a boyfriend who was impotent and he did at least make attempts at having sex. My husband doesn't even try. When we go to bed he goes right to sleep. A few nights ago while we were in bed, I was trying to arouse him and he simply moved my hand and turned over then went to sleep. I could understand if he had always been this way with me but he hasn't.

He makes me feel utterly repulsive.

Is there a medication I can have prescribed for me so that I don't have the urge for sex as well so that I have no problem with his lack of desire for me?

"I'm updating this Blog. If any of you women have had the same problem with your husband please get him to talk to you about what's going on. Maybe he has some health problem that he refuses to get checked out. My husband just passed on March 09. He had a massive heart attack. It was sudden. He had to go for training for the Tactical Squad for the prison where he worked on Sunday. I had no idea when I kissed him, hugged him good-bye and told him I loved him that would be the last time I would see him take a breath."

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EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to DiW)

Are you still having this problem? Im having the same exact issues and I dont know what to do. Its so painful, Im considering divorce.

June 14, 2009 - 6:31pm
(reply to Anonymous)

I am still having this problem but I've kind of learned to just live with it and deal with it one day at a time. I've realized it's not the sex I miss. It's the closeness.

If you love him and "know" that he loves you then divorce is not the answer. When two people love each other they can overcome anything life throws at them.

I know very well how heart wrenching this can be. First you begin to feel unwanted. Then you begin to feel unattractive. It's not a nice feeling. It really does a lot to your self esteem. You just can't allow this to ruin you. It's not worth it. It took me a while to realize that. I was to the point of driving myself nuts trying to figure it all out.

If you have a Yahoo account and you'd like to chat about this, my id is [email protected]

June 17, 2009 - 8:03pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to DiW)

OMG I know EXACTLY what you are going through because I am going through it too. All i can say is hang in there. It hurts, I know, but keep reading. Last September my husband of 1 1/2 years told me he was no longer sexually attracted to me. That he wishes I would do something about my weight like go to the gym more and count my calories, and to be more "outdoors-ey". Well, all i can say is, he knew about all of this going in. We were friends for 5 years before we dated, lived together for 1 1/2 years before getting married, so he KNEW I wasn't outdoors-ey. A lot more was said but I can't go into it, it hurts too bad to "look" at it. He says he still loves me, and he really is wonderful with every other part of our marriage-- except the big one-- he is just sexually turned off by me. (There are No kids, just us). I don't believe he is cheating on me either, I just don't have that gut feeling/ women's intuition that he is, plus I've asked him, and the look on his face was answer enough. No. But being told I was unattractive to my HUSBAND --It tore my heart to pieces. I still want to cry every day. So.... after a few weeks of misery, I realized I ultimatly had 2 choices. 1. I could let this tear my marriage apart and divorce him (which I don't want to do because I still love him) or 2. I can do something about it. So I started going to the gym. I began taking the dogs jogging every day. I started counting my calories. I bought the Wii Fit. I got Scuba dive certified to be more "outdoors-ey"! The sex has picked up, now a little, instead of it being maybe once a month/ once every other month-- to about 5 times a month-- but not like it was before-- romping every single night until the day we got married -- but The funny thing is, I was 185 the day we got married, I am now 156. (I was 165 in September when he said that to me, the same weight as when we first got together!). We live in Hawaii, and he says "when we're at the beach and I see all these girls in bikinis, then I see you..." well I'm sure you know what the rest of the conversations sound like. Then, he started "giving me calorie advice" EVERY FRIKKIN TIME I ATE ANYTHING!!!! Mind you, we don't have bread, rice, or potatoes in the house. Our meals are meates and vegies. There are no snacks junk food or sweets in the house either. I DO NOT PIG OUT. I haven't bought ice cream in 8 months!!!
He watches what he eats, but ask me when was the last time HE went to the gym?? When was the last time HE walked the dogs unless I was too tired after work to jog them and i have to beg for him to take them out??
I finally lost it when we were at the mall, in the food court, and he wanted Panda Express and I said I'd rather go to Ruby Tuesday's for the salad bar and a baked potato. You know what he said?? "How many calories do you think are in your ranch dressing?" (later I looked it up, 460 in 2 ounces. Do you think that is worse then his Panda Express????? So I refused to eat anything, and on our drive home I finally balled my eyes out screaming at him the whole time. I asked him who the F- he thought he was? That's he's not God's gift to women either so what gave him the right? That I WAS AFRAID TO EAT IN FRONT OF HIM anymore because of his reactions. I asked him WOULD HE WANT TO BE MARRIED TO SOMEONE WHO WASN'T ATTRACTED TO HIM and constantly treated HIM this way? What person would want to deal with that? That he has turned himself into the most CRUEL, SHALLOW, PRICK on the face of the earth in my eyes. then I asked him, if I did all this to you, would you still want to stay married to me? Because if the answer is no, you'd better start re-thinking your priorities and start picking your battles with me-- ranch dressing or Panda Express? Hmmm, which is the lesser of the 2 evils? 2 ounces of ranch? ok, then SHUT THE F--- UP!
So..... he has been utterly charming ever since, sweet, not one word about calories, and very affectionate. Problem is, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm waiting till this all dies down and it goes right back to the way it was. I hope I'm wrong, that he finally GOT IT.

See, you're NOT ALONE.
my support and love,
jules

April 20, 2009 - 3:16pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

You are a legend!!!!

June 24, 2011 - 8:40am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Can't you just simply ask him what's wrong? When he moved your hand away when you tried to arouse him, what did YOU do? You need to sit down and have a chat. Be honest, open, share your feelings and don't play games. Simply asking the man why he doesn't want to have sex, is a fair question for a wife. Try it.

March 24, 2009 - 12:55pm
(reply to Anonymous)

Actually, I didn't do anything when my hand was moved. I'm not into forcing myself upon anyone. I asked him why he moved my hand. He told me he simply slid lower into the bed so that my hand would move on it's own because he knew he wasn't going to get aroused.

March 24, 2009 - 8:02pm

Hi DiW,

I'm sorry you are going through this, and Diane gave you some great advice.

I have another perspective to add: Don't Believe Everything You Think. In a few short paragraphs, you have communicated in a way that is called in the psychology world, "Twisted Patterns of Thinking", and I think you are going to continue being hurt and sad if you don't change direction, first! (for example: "jumping to conclusions" would be "he has no desire for me"; "labeling" would be your feeling "repulsive"; a harmful/hurtful solution is "how do I make myself not have any sexual urges anymore?" "blaming" is also he is "making me feel repulsive"). These are all harmful ways of coping with problems, and there are more positive and helpful ways to problem-solve.

I'm speaking from experience on this; I had a rough time with my significant other for a few years because I was unable to really hear and listen to his feelings, because everything he said (some of which was difficult to hear) was turned around and I made it about me. If he said he was sad or tired or had different expectations, I had a pity party...which turned into an awful cycle of him shutting down, not communicating, then my pity party became bigger. We both resented each other, sex was not happening, etc. And, we were newlyweds.

So, if this does not sound like your situation...you can stop reading this now. If it does sound familiar, then let's talk more!

I don't believe you will ever reach a resolution until you change directions in your thinking and communication into a more positive and solution-oriented way, as I assume you are also communicating with your husband in this type of guilt-inducing way (just like I did a long time ago).

We can all acknowledge that there are extreme circumstances that could be going on, but in all likelihood, it is something NON-extreme, middle-of-the-road problem that is solvable. It is highly unlikely that your husband of one-month does not like you anymore. It is much more likely that your new husband is feeling scared, hurt, shy, fearful, sad...some emotions that he can not share with you, because he does not want to hurt your feelings, does not feel like he can trust you with the emotional-weight of it (without turning it into a pity party), or may not be good at communicating in general. Is this true, or am I way off base on this? Honestly, you sound so sad; he may really have a hard time sharing his sadness with you right now, and may just be backing away.

I wonder if you both had different expectations of what marriage and newlyweds were "supposed" to be like; you are over the honeymoon phase, into reality...and now what. Are you both feeling stuck? Can you talk about it, and take the topic of sex out of the equation for now? Are there other things going on in your marriage that is not working-out so well? If so, talk about those things first, and create more trust and intimacy through communication and connecting with each other. The sex will come back after that. If something truly awful is going on (let's just say the extremes: he's having an affair. he doesn't like you anymore. he feels like he made a mistake), then you need to talk about these things, anyways. Again, it is highly unlikely that these extremes are happening!! And, while we're at it: why are you feeling so insecure in the relationship? A month of little-or-no-sex and you're ready to give up your sexuality as a human being? You need to be honest with yourself and with him about your fears and expectations as well.

How was your communication as a couple before you were married? Do you have a good foundation to fall back on, as far as problem-solving tough issues? As your partner, I hope he feels he can trust and confide in you; but you also need to give him the space and environment to do that in, without blaming, judging, labeling, putting yourself down, etc.

Lastly, if he is having trouble communicating with you, is he open to couples counseling? There is nothing wrong with seeking counseling, even as newlyweds...there are so many unrealistic expectations on newlyweds (and so much time and attention and money focused on a one-day wedding instead of a lifetime of marriage), that it makes sense to have a third person walk-through some of the new issues with you, until you two have really established a good foundation for communication.

March 24, 2009 - 12:48pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Alison Beaver)

GREAT advice. My fiance and I have been at once per month or once every other month since our daughter was born. She was born with cancer and we've BOTH lost jobs this year and he started school. I was so confused because I use sex as a 'distraction' or a way to have a release, so I'm always wanting it. I've figured out that he's not the same way, he's feeling guilty because he's not the 'provider' he wants to be and he feels really helpless about our daughter's health and doesn't have the great network of confidantes that I have. Our daughter is now in remission and our financial situation is getting more stable. I've just decided to focus on myself until he is feeling more stable. I'm back to pre-baby weight and trying to tone up a bit more and focusing on knitting & reading before bed. I still let him know I'm interested, but I quit pressuring him, or crying/guilting him if he's not interested. Once I got past feeling like there was something wrong/repulsive about me, we were able to start being more open about talking about it. We now have a sex-related conversation at least once a week and we keep it real positive, and even though we're not having sex as often as I would like (still about once per month), I know things are getting better.

March 2, 2010 - 9:36pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Well my husband and I will be celebrating our 2 year anniversary in just a few weeks. I feel like I need to stop this anniversary from happening because it will mark 2 years of begging to be loved intimately and being turned down over and over again.
I was raised in a small town, had a sheltered life and was a virgin when we married - his youth was the polar opposite from me, and had been married twice before. On our wedding night the marriage was consummated and then when I asked to make love again a few days later, was refused. We have had some open, frank, conversations about sex (and I have done alot of reading on how to please my partner) he assures me that, though things were a bit awkward at first, our sex life is as good as some of the better experiences he has had. Only problem is, we only have sex about once a month. I have tried everything I can think of to make it more often - without success.
This has left me feeling completely unloved and undesired. To make matters worse, he is extremely affectionate to me in front of family and friends, they all think we have the greatest of marriages. Then we go home and I cry myself to sleep.
Every time I bring it up he tells me that he is very normal and that I should be happy we are having sex as often as we are, that many couples only have sex once a year. I usually persist trying to convince him to make love to me more often that that and we end up fighting and then I am crying and apologizing for asking for sex, and for all the other things I do that are apparently wrong about me. Fights like this leave me broken hearted, depressed and self-hating. After a few days of forcing myself to get up and go to work make meals etc. he makes some kind of comment about how if he makes me so miserable, which says he never wanted me to be miserable so, he should leave. The I am apologizing again, begging him to stay and forcing myself to smile and look happy on the outside - even though my heart is aching on the inside.
I do love my husband very much, and aside from this, we do have a pretty good marriage. Am I being unreasonable? Should I stop asking?

March 8, 2010 - 11:08pm
(reply to Anonymous)

Anon,

Thank you SO much for writing. First of all, the challenges you've met this past year have been huge, and I salute you for hanging in there and working through it all. Congratulations on the remission! And good work for focusing on yourself and not making the lack of sex all about you. I think many women can learn from your example, even if their challenges are different from yours. We carry so much into the bedroom with us -- from every aspect of our lives -- that it's nearly impossible to separate the two.

Best wishes to you, your fiance and your daughter!

March 4, 2010 - 9:47am
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