Oh, boy, does this sound familiar! My DH and I lived together for 2 years, though, before we got married. That was our time to determine whether or not we would be able to make it a lifetime. The only thing, though, is that men are so different during the "courting" phase, and, once the knot is tied, they settle into some sort of complacency. I'm generalizing, but it sure seems to be a common complaint among new wives.
It's really hard to learn how to argue productively - yes, there is such a thing. Men have a tendency to shut you off, and women have a tendency to keep prodding. You need to set ground rules - this was really, really hard for my DH to accept. Among the rules: no name calling, swearing, accusations, turning backs on each other or walking out, no shutting down just to avoid talking, no histrionics in front of the kids (when we had little ones), and absolutely NO threatening divorce (that's just a cop-out and running away).
What's left is to be civil, rational, calm, willing to listen and be honest. It's pretty darned tough to do when you're angry or feeling sorry for yourself (aka feeling trapped).
Chances are, your DH doesn't want to consider counseling because it's not HIS idea. Instead of offering up your suggestions as to how you should get help, ask him what he suggests. A man needs to feel empowered (no pun intended), not backed into a corner. Even though you may not think you're backing him into a corner, he might think it.
I'm no therapist or psychologist, just an "old" married woman who has been there, done that.
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Oh, boy, does this sound familiar! My DH and I lived together for 2 years, though, before we got married. That was our time to determine whether or not we would be able to make it a lifetime. The only thing, though, is that men are so different during the "courting" phase, and, once the knot is tied, they settle into some sort of complacency. I'm generalizing, but it sure seems to be a common complaint among new wives.
It's really hard to learn how to argue productively - yes, there is such a thing. Men have a tendency to shut you off, and women have a tendency to keep prodding. You need to set ground rules - this was really, really hard for my DH to accept. Among the rules: no name calling, swearing, accusations, turning backs on each other or walking out, no shutting down just to avoid talking, no histrionics in front of the kids (when we had little ones), and absolutely NO threatening divorce (that's just a cop-out and running away).
What's left is to be civil, rational, calm, willing to listen and be honest. It's pretty darned tough to do when you're angry or feeling sorry for yourself (aka feeling trapped).
Chances are, your DH doesn't want to consider counseling because it's not HIS idea. Instead of offering up your suggestions as to how you should get help, ask him what he suggests. A man needs to feel empowered (no pun intended), not backed into a corner. Even though you may not think you're backing him into a corner, he might think it.
I'm no therapist or psychologist, just an "old" married woman who has been there, done that.
Hope things do work out for you.
June 19, 2009 - 4:34pmThis Comment
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