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Why doesn't my husband want me?

By March 24, 2009 - 6:41am
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I am 39 years old and am a newlywed. My husband and I have only been married for a month and a half and he has already lost interest in me sexually. No matter what I do or don't do, I just can't turn him on. I once had a boyfriend who was impotent and he did at least make attempts at having sex. My husband doesn't even try. When we go to bed he goes right to sleep. A few nights ago while we were in bed, I was trying to arouse him and he simply moved my hand and turned over then went to sleep. I could understand if he had always been this way with me but he hasn't.

He makes me feel utterly repulsive.

Is there a medication I can have prescribed for me so that I don't have the urge for sex as well so that I have no problem with his lack of desire for me?

"I'm updating this Blog. If any of you women have had the same problem with your husband please get him to talk to you about what's going on. Maybe he has some health problem that he refuses to get checked out. My husband just passed on March 09. He had a massive heart attack. It was sudden. He had to go for training for the Tactical Squad for the prison where he worked on Sunday. I had no idea when I kissed him, hugged him good-bye and told him I loved him that would be the last time I would see him take a breath."

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Anonymous (reply to kooklop)

Hi, I am in the same boat, I have been married for almost seven years, just one 3 year old baby, that was conceive in one time deal. I am going for the third advice, because I do love him and I do know he loves me too. I have to said sexless marriage hurts, but you got to improve and reinvent your self and this advice is something that I had learned in the last three years, I had being doing all of these things and it is working for me, I feel better about my self. (sorry for any grammar mistakes, this is not my first language).

June 2, 2010 - 8:06pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to kooklop)

Name: joes6252 New Member

I dont know when this was written, but I truly understand. I am 47 and I am maaried to a man who has not had sex with me for 6 yrs. The talk of sex either causes a fight or just bitterness. I have been married 12 yrs. My husband is a loviong man. However he does have some health issues, but he makes no attempt to particiapte in anything ref sex or romance. i have to much to say, but in general, i love him and i owe him my life-lets say. Nevertheless i feel llike i have a room mate or my father living with me. I had my breast reduced, i was so tickled, i have a teeny bopper chest now.-lol but in all seriousness, he has never touched me or asked to see them. i have begun to care less about myself. i think i am angry. if only he would do something. Even if parts dont work, he could do things to help me. honestly he lost 2 wives like this. i love him -but i no longer feel sexually attracted to him. I often think i would still try if he would. So my dear I do understand. I am a good woman , but i am getting rather grr. any advice, i only want kind descent ideas. please
I feel sad, un attractive, i get very sad and angry when i see others showing affection. i wish it was me. omg TV always has a way of showing someone expressing their love intimately. I am so torn, but angry for his lack of effort or conceren.(its like no big deal) I have cried, faught , i have talked my head off. help!

January 25, 2010 - 6:01pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I am 23 years old and i thought that getting pregnant made my husband turn away from me physically. I was jealous of my friends because they were pregnant too and I was the only one getting this sort of treatment. I felt fat, ugly you name it. Then on our one year wedding anniversary, 8 and 1/2 months pregnant, I found a long history of porn sites on his iphone. He was getting satisfied somewhere else. Voila, the bastard made me think it was all me and meanwhile couldn't man up and tell me that he had an addiction.

March 9, 2010 - 4:56pm
(reply to Anonymous)

Welcome to EmpowHER, and I am so sorry that you are feeling sad, unattractive and angry.

It sounds like you really have tried many different avenues, and since your husband does have some health issues, and this has been going on for so many years, have you tried couples counseling or individual counseling?

January 26, 2010 - 1:56pm
(reply to kooklop)

You know, I have no idea what to say except all of these things are the way I've been feeling. I have no self esteem left. I feel as you said,"About 2 inches tall" at times. I've tried to get him to go to therapy with me. He refuses. He says he tried that with his first wife and it didn't work. Whenever I try to talk with him about the issue we end up arguing. I have no idea what to do anymore.

August 11, 2009 - 4:08pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to DiW)

DiW, I am very heartbroken to hear your story! I am now in a relationship with a similar man. The only difference is that he blames it on me being pregnant... which I know isn't true because our "sex life" was pritty much non-exsistant before hand. and we had only been together two months!! I have done some serious thinking in my life about this man and our "issues" they sound similar to yours. I am a beautiful women, which i am sure you are too, and there is no good reason why a man would reject us so often and so harshly... thats why I began to think it wasn't about the "sex", or about how I felt, or about how it made me feel when he rejected me, it was all about him. ITs just a small symptom of a HUGE issue, and not the only symptom. If your guy is anyhting like mine, the world revolves around him, not you, or you as a couple, but simply him. If your thinking this over, DO NOT think of things he's said that would prove this, rather think of things he's done. Like refusing you sex and not caring how it makes you feel. Forcing you to consider trying to repress your desire for intimacy when he's considering nothing, he's given you no choice. He also most likley withdraws from you emotionally alot, and doesn't take alot of time to make you feel special, beautiful, loved... he probably doesn't listen to what you have to say with interest, but rahter goes on about stuff HE would like to talk about, basically changing the topic on you, you probably not only feel physically rejected, but emotionally as well... its because its all true.
I am not one to scream "abuse", I am like most women and try to find every way possible to blame myself for the issue and try to fix myself in order to fix the issue, but when a man acts this way towards you it is a form of emotional abuse. A few of the tell tale signs of emotional abuse are:
With holding sex
Playing the "silent game"
shifting blame onto you
always bringing up past incidents to deflect the incident at hand
saying "you always" or "you never"
saying cruel or harsh things to you and then claiming he's "just kidding"
making all the major desicions
not allowing you to speak freely without fear of saying the wrong thing
"punishing" you by silent treatment, angry looks, leaving
Withholding affection
making you come to him

the list goes on... theres many different types, but if you are experiencing any of those things, even if its not all... I urge you to learn about emotioanl abuse, it will open your eyes and help you to see the big picture! A good place to go is a site called "dailystrentgh.com" if you read the blogs posted on emotional and physical abuse, you will began to get a broader knowledge of abuse and realize that hitting is not the only type of abuse, only one type... emotional abuse is far moer common and in some cases can be more damaging.... please look into it for your sake! You deserve to be loved and feel loved, you are not asking too much! You aer simply asking to be respected, shown affection, and to be treated with kindness and appreciation, those are normal and acceptable things to ask for, what is not normal is someone refusing you those things and treating you liek your crazy for asking... its a mind game. Hang in there!

April 22, 2010 - 3:03pm
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