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Why doesn't my husband want me?

By March 24, 2009 - 6:41am
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I am 39 years old and am a newlywed. My husband and I have only been married for a month and a half and he has already lost interest in me sexually. No matter what I do or don't do, I just can't turn him on. I once had a boyfriend who was impotent and he did at least make attempts at having sex. My husband doesn't even try. When we go to bed he goes right to sleep. A few nights ago while we were in bed, I was trying to arouse him and he simply moved my hand and turned over then went to sleep. I could understand if he had always been this way with me but he hasn't.

He makes me feel utterly repulsive.

Is there a medication I can have prescribed for me so that I don't have the urge for sex as well so that I have no problem with his lack of desire for me?

"I'm updating this Blog. If any of you women have had the same problem with your husband please get him to talk to you about what's going on. Maybe he has some health problem that he refuses to get checked out. My husband just passed on March 09. He had a massive heart attack. It was sudden. He had to go for training for the Tactical Squad for the prison where he worked on Sunday. I had no idea when I kissed him, hugged him good-bye and told him I loved him that would be the last time I would see him take a breath."

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EmpowHER Guest

Well after months of this back and forth with the sex situation, my husband finally admitted he thought I was fat. We are newlyweds mind you. I'm not that fat, maybe 20 pounds overweight and this is how he met me. I like me, I love me how I am. I tested him, told him Im getting surgery, he was all delighted. I felt like the biggest piece of garbage in the universe. this guy totally played me while we were dating, never said I was fat to him, wanted me all the time, and now that we are married he wants a Barnie Doll. Well Im going to have the surgery, but I gotta big suprise for him when I finally meet his standards, I'm going to get him all worked up in bed and right when Im about to have sex Im going to do as he did to me "Sorry I just dont find you attractive anymore." Loser, superficial prick!!!

August 24, 2009 - 9:45pm
(reply to Anonymous)

You know, as women, we are nurturing and tend to love unconditionally. It's about time we wake up! I was married for 18 years, raised two wonderful boys into wonderful men, then it all crashed. My husband at the time was showing signs of mental illness but I just thought he was an ass. Over a 10 year span I had become more like a mother to him than a wife. I had to tell him what was acceptable behavior and when it was ok for him to talk to others. I ended up putting him in a hospital. When he got out he refused his diagnosis, was self medicating and was more angry and mentally and emotionally abusive then ever. It's hard to love someone who refuses to help themselves and becomes completely un-lovable! After 20 years I divorced him.

I had been single for 5 years and was totally content when I met my second husband. I told him I had no interest in marriage so he worked double duty to change my mind. I thought I found "the one"! He changed the minute I agreed to marry him. He was miserable in his job and I blamed that stress for his distant behavior toward me.

Well, everyone here has probably read my earlier posts about my cheating husband and how I was packing to move!

Update!! I'm on my own now (well, I did bring my little dog along). I found a great little apartment. I haven't filed for divorce because the move strained my bank account but I'm going to as soon as I have the extra funds. I live 30 miles fro my H on a farm with two electric gates, so he can't just drop in and try to "love me up" and convince me to come home. Before I left I went into hyper-spy mode... I already knew alot of the things he was doing but I found out he has been accused of sexual harassment at work 4 times in 5 years and has been fired for it two of those times. We currently work for the same company and used to work in the same building. He told me he got a promotion (although it didn't seem to come with a pay increase) but I have found out since that he was sent to another office because he inappropriately touched two female employees and was being reprimanded. I asked the two employees and they confirmed it. This behavior has been a pattern since I've known him.

I think as women, we tend to judge others by our own standards, that's why we are so often blindsided by infidelity. As for myself, I knew there was something wrong from the beginning but I tried very hard to accept my H as he was and not try to make him fit into any "mold". The fact that I have never and will never cheat on someone I love blinded me to the signals. My H was actually stunned when, while trying to justify his behavior, he asked me if I have ever lied to him and I looked him straight in the face and told him "no, never". I can't explain the look of shock on his face. It ended the conversation (fight) immediately as he had nowhere to take it!

I hate to sound bitter and jaded, but I really think I'm never going to become romantically involved with anyone again. I just don't trust anymore. Even when I meet a new friend it takes me a long time to trust them. When I divorced my first husband it was liberating. When I finally got out I realized how controlling and manipulative he had been, I felt free and extremely happy. This time is a completely different scenario... I feel depressed, rejected, stupid, used and injured. I know recovery will be a long process.

August 26, 2009 - 8:57am

I am very sorry to hear about your situation. With that being said I think I may know a potential problem that I don't think anyone seemed to mention and that is your husband may be cheating on you. Alot of times when a man is cheating he withdraws from his wife/girlfriend. Most women show no signs of cheating but most men can't balance the two especially if he's married because he will almost always change. So he's not wanting sex from you because he could be getting it from somewhere else. I suggest you spy. That's if you care. but dont give yourself away. good luck!!!!!

August 18, 2009 - 12:23am

What a heart wrenching story! I am so sorry that your heart was broken that way. It's good that you know that IT WASN'T ABOUT YOU. He failed you! You did everything by the book and when you do that, you can always walk away knowing that if you had it to do again, you'd know better... but you have NO REGRET. The hardest lessons in life to learn - that make you WISE are ones that you have to experience. Otherwise, it's affect on you isn't the same. Once you survive something of that nature... You can always look back and say - and there was a red flag, and there was another... and I SHOULD have paid more attention to "that" ... so on!! That way next time around, you don't have the "happily ever after" eyes, when you are picking a mate. We all do it, we were girls.. learning about fairytales and princes and men who'd save us and protect us. We had NO IDEA... why it was called a "Fairytale"!

If we are smart (and I like to think we are) we don't make excuses for them, we don't love them for their "potential" or how well they fit into the fairytale we have made up in our minds... BELIEVE ME, been there done that MORE than once.
And we can teach our daughters, our neighbors, our neices and younger siblings... whatever, that we have to pay attention to all those tale tale signs, that we usually miss when we are caught up in love. Because in the end, you had better be married to your best friend (and NO best friends do not leave the other hung out to dry in love, passion and sex!) because in the end... they will be your companion, who better be making you laugh, loving you when you are impossible and holding you when the world seems like it is out to get you...

Don't give up in your heart or in your mind on the type of marriage you wanted and still do! Just be more selective...when dating - talk less and listen more! They will tell you everything you need to know... IF we would just zip our lips and let them talk... if it is an uncompfortable silence a time or two... then it is... let them talk about THEM! Don't tell them about your WHOLE LIFE story and all your hurts and aches and pains right away... that's way too easy!! Tell them gradually, over time... over years if needed, don't give them all the pieces to your puzzle. BE SELECTIVE! You deserve it!!

And by the way, God brought him into your life for a reason - it's up to you to pin that together. Then God will make way for the one he wants you to have (assuming you don't have him now...:)
Some of this was for others as well... not meaning to assume... take care!!

August 11, 2009 - 10:48am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to texasgirl)

texas girl,

thank you for your kind words and wisdom


August 14, 2009 - 3:34pm


I am so sorry. No one deserves to be neglected that way. I believe that we as women want to be cherished and desired. Please know that you are not alone!!!! You are not inadequate!!!! I too had the same situation as you. I met my husband my senior year of college. He pursued me intently for marriage. We did sleep together before we were married, so it was not like I didn't know. However, at 23 I was confused to the mixed messages. He seemed to love me dearly, yet he did not want to be with my physically. I asked him about it and he stated that at first that I was "making a mountain out of a mole hill". The he went on to say that we were just on different wave lengths physically. I had only dated for 6 months when he begin to talk about marriage. I informed him that I promised my mother that I would wait until I got out of college before marrying. He asked me with a gorgeous ring the night I graduated. We had been dating a year by then and I felt confident that he loved me, but was still confused by his lack of desire. Being a religous person, I thought maybe god would bless our marriage if we abstained and tried to live by the bible. I thought maybe we just got off the wrong start physicially. So I asked if he would be comfortable if we waited until we were married to have sex again. He was very excited about the prospect and agreed. We were engaged for 8 months. He moved to Atlanta. I would go see him and he would be all over me (but we never had sex). This just reassured me that the desire was there. I think I was too nieve to understand anything different. We were together for 9 years, 7 years married and we maybe had sex twice on our week long honeymoon in hawaii. The problem grew worse over the years and I became resentful because he seemed to be very engrossed into pornography. Yet he didn't want to be with me. I was doing well if I got sex once every 2 months. I blamed myself, thought it was my weight (I never weighed over 127 at 5'4 mind you). I was miserably insecure because of this. I has only had 2 long term relationships before my marriage and both were very normal physically. We went to marriage counseling, seperated one time for 2 months. Then after 7 years of marriage, I came home from class (I was in graduate school) to find a note on the bar. "I am staying with a friend. Please split up our finances. I will come by on Saturday." Nine days later I got divorce papers in the mail. My parents divorced in my early twenties. I so wanted my marriage to be different. He crushed my dreams. I have never been the same since. I ran into him about a year after he left in a bar one night. Once again, he came onto me only NOT TO FOLLOW THROUGH. I shut him completely out of life after that. I have been divorced now for 13 years. My heart has never completely mended and I will go to the grave never truly understanding. So I appreciate your despair. But please KNOW THAT THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU!!!

August 5, 2009 - 4:03pm

Gosh - EEK Rhonda, Ive just read your previous messages etc and oh my goodness, we are talking about two completely different situations here. I was really aiming my response at the first first post that describes a husband moving his wifes hand away, and a depressed wife asking if there was any type of anti-viagra one can be prescribed to quash desire. Oh dear, I should have embelished more about my own situation. Married for almost 13 years now, a husband who has little to no libido, hasnt been unfaithful just cant be bothered with sex and doesnt find me sexy. I mean god, that has been hard enough to deal with but he wasn't a prize sh*t and having affairs all over the place - no wonder my reply didnt really resonate with you. We are in two different places altogther and like I said above, good for you for getting out. Your husband IS abusive and sounds like an utter waste of valuable oxygen. Cant help feeling sorry for his next victim! Despite all your wirried about money, no place to go, etc etc, you will re-emerge from this in the most fabulous way - you will be fine and probably so much healthier when you leave him that you wont even notice the inconvenience of things like money. Truly, all the very best of luck and keep strong!

August 4, 2009 - 8:46am
(reply to kooklop)

Hey kooklop,
So many women here get strength from the support they find within this thread so I appologize if I was harsh. Thanks for taking the time to read everything and being so supportive. :)

August 4, 2009 - 3:48pm

It certainly wasn't my intention to assume that none of the people above have tried to just accept their lot, I was simply putting it out there as a possibility. It comes from years of not accepting it as a possibility and fighting and fighting and fighting myself into a state of emotional exhaustion. There can never be a one size fits all answer to any persons relationship especially when it comes to sex and emotional giving. All we can do is try and explain a little of what we have gone through, and describe the mechanisms we have put in place to try and cope. I dont want to patronise anyone, or tell them to do things this way or that way, I simply want the women out there who are struggling with a situation similar to mine, to know that there are other women out there who feel their pain, know what they are going through, and only hope that they come through it as unscathed as possible. There is nothing worse than thinking you are the only one.
Mental and emotional abuse? Yup - you're probably right though Ive gotta say it sounds pretty dramatic. Sadly life comes down to those people who love you and those who treat you like crap - Im not sure assigning the label "abuse" is always terribly healthy....but hey whatever works for you.
By the way, good for you for having the strength, courage and emotional agility TO actually leave. Its good to see that the abuse hasn't been going on so long as to render you incapable of any show of strength far less removing yourself from your situation. Truly, I think you should be applauded for your choice, and I know I speak for everyone that has ever been in this situation when I say that I hope the next guy you meet makes you feel great about yourself and offers you the emotional support and care we all crave and deserve, because god knows anyone who goes through this really deserves a break! Good luck with it all!

August 4, 2009 - 8:05am

Hmmm, Im struggling with this thread- its sent me into a state of confusion wondering about things I thought I had emotionally "sorted". Although Im angry with myself for this, I think I need to step up for a moment and try and give a little of the male perspective (although gosh, Im not sure I understand it at all.) Ive been married for nearly 13 years now. My husband and I have struggled with severely mismatched sex drives for our whole married life. It is and EXTREMELY complex issue. It makes me really sad to read a lot of the posts above, because I can look back on the last decade, and see how intensely painful it has been for me. Ive left a post above (which is a bit negative and acerbic actually, so probably best ignored) Knowing that many of you are only just starting out on this road makes me ache for you all, knowing the pain, self doubt, crushing low self esteem and utter loneliness you will feel if you choose to stick at your marriage with a partner that has no interest in sex.
After 13 years, Ive been through many stages, and a dear friend who is a counsellor describes it very aptly I think. She encourages women to look on the lack of sexual intimacy in their marriages as a bit like bereavement. You may encounter many of the same feeling of anger, helplessness, guilt, blame etc. Often, as women (the worlds fixers) we obsess on how we can change what is happening. Its a type of "right! We're not having sex and I want to have sex, therefor something is wrong. If something is wrong, we need to talk about it so we can find out how to fix it. Once we have analysed, talked and deconstructed the problem to death, we will start having fabulous sex again." We cant help it - as women, thats just the way we are. There are a few points worth gold dust though that all women NEED to learn and need to ACCEPT.
1) Men are not the hormonally driven, sex addicts that we are led to believe. You may be lucky enough to be married to one, but most men past the age of 19 dont think about sex every two minutes, and want oral se at any given opportunity. Sadly, they get just as excited about cars, gadgets, world politic....whatever it is he happens to be in to. Projecting an image of Don Juan on to all men because thats what you believe men to be like is wrong, unfair and a bit insulting.
2) Most of the time when a marriage has a problem, men just DONT want to talk about it. They know its there, they can see how hurt you are, they kind-a know they need to do something about it, but actually, they just dont wanna talk about it because they just dont have the emotional stamina we do.
It is truly the HARDEST thing to do, but none of the women above will make any progress with their men until they just stop. Stand still for a moment. Stop obsessing about it. Have a hot bath, stick on something comfortable for bed, climb into it, give your husband a cuddle, and just be. Just lay there and just forget all about the panic in your head and the aching in your loins, For just a little while, just let it go. If your husband relaxes enough and stops feeling challenged and pressured by you, he may well start the conversation himself. If he doesnt, just give him more time. Can you honestly say that you have tried to just let it go for a month, two months, three? I bet the longest any of you have lasted without confrinting hubby about "your problems"is a couple of weeks at the most. Just let go and see if he eventually comes to you - even if it takes six months it always works in the end.
3) THere is another gem I need to pass on. Men KNOW that you are feeling horny and need to have sex. They KNOW that you are hurting and they KNOW that you feel angry, hurt and betrayed. Its a no brainer. Just the feeling of the gentle anger you are exuding without even talking is making them feel uncomfortable and pressured. You on the other hand are obsessed with the fact that hubby doesnt want you because you're not sexy enough, dont try hard enough, dont have sexy enough underwear, have big thighs etc etc etc. The combination of these two things is LETHAL. You will go and buy a load of black lacy lingerie and try and set the mood for hubby. Hubby will come home and be faced with a horny wife who really wants to have sex and has gone to loads of effort and expense to set the mood. Hubby on the other hand is feeling totally pressured, totally stressed out by it all, and frankly a bit turned off becuase rather than the soft loving person he married you've turned into a predatory imitation of Jordan on a bad day, and oh my god those hideous stockings so dont suit your rather chubby thighs. All that will happen is that his "manhood" will shrivel and run for the hills in fear. He'll feel like a failure and get aggressive with you, you'll get all upset and break down in tears because you went to so much effort and you are now convinced that your husband thinks you are the second most repulsive thing next to predator, and the whole vicious circle begins again. The natural conclusion when this cycle reaches its most destructive point, is divorce. If you love your husband, see that this is happening and have the strength to break the cycle.
4) PLEASE learn this point. DONT ask questions you dont want to hear an honest answer to. When you lean across the table, grab your husbands hand and say "Do you still find me sexy, what is wrong with me are you bored or something?" what you are really saying is "Oh god, I hurt so much. I need to know you still love and find me sexy because you mean everythign to me - please give me some affirmation so that I can get through the next few days." Notice that these two sentences are VERY different, so even though you may be saying one thing, you actually mean another. Its TRUE. We all do it! Don be hurt and shocked if your husband pauses for a while and says "actually I am a bit bored if Im honest. As a man, I LIKE the thought of being with lots of women but knowing we are married now and that isnt an option for me is kinda hard..."
IF you had been asking the question honestly and were prepared for the anser, you would take the answer in a grown up way and deal with it. Because hoever you were asking the questino for a wee confidence boost and you have been given an anser that provides the exact opposite, you are now just feeling even more crap than ever and once you re-emerge from the awfulness of it all you'll probably go out and buy loads of sexy underwear to try and reignite the passion and oh dear....here we go again!
5) Even though its your husband that has stopped wanting to have sex, have the courage to be honest with yourself. It may be your problem as much or more than his, or belive it or not it may be nothing at all to do with you. LIke a rabit caught in the headlights, men will always tell you things are your fault because they have usually been put on the spot and just dont know what else to say. In the absence of anything else, they may think blaming you is a good tack to take because it buys them some time. Understand that sometimes when you ask a man what is wrong and he says "I dunno"....he really means it - he honestly doesnt know.

Urgh......enough woman. Im sorry this sounds like a rant, but I suppose this a subject very close to my heart because its dominated my life for the last decade and a half almost. Im a world expert on the husband who doesnt want sex. You know, the sad irony of it all is that my husband has just been diagnosed with bi polar disorder. He suffers from really bad depression and I was so wrapped up in trying to be sexy for him that I didnt even see it. He was a bit bored with our sex life, and he didnt find me as sexy as I was at 18 because of all the weight I put on and the stretch marks and sagging from our baby. He did feel a bit trapped by being married, and he did feel pressured by me sexually......but in the end, all those things were miniscule in the equation and really didnt account for anything. His depression and stress is the thing that makes him disinterested in sex, and now that I have found the courage to support him in dealing with that rather than telling him off for letting me down, we have discovered a new life together. Im not going to lie and say that I dont long for passion, intimacy and eroticism, because I truly do because Im a very tactile, passionate and sexual person. On the other hand, Ive also discovered that my husband misses it too although he feels differently about it. By realising that we are both missing out and not laying blame on each other, we have become very close friends instead of lovers. Its not better or worse, its different but still just as valuable. I have times when I see young couples together being passionate, or films and things on tv that are a bit emotionally tricky to watch because they show me what Im missing, but in the end, marriage is about supporting each other and learning to love each other through the bad time and the dissapointments. Im realistic about our life. I know that at the age of fourty, things are never going to change now. Ive accepted that the rest of our lives will probably be spent in celibacy, and that I wont have the pleasure of having more children now. Ill probably never know again what it is to be kissed and caressed with the desperate urgency of real passion, and just thinking about it brings me to tears BUT I am married to a person that I would happily die for if I had to. He is a kind, giving intelligent and loving man and I know now that I have given him the gift of love rather than persecuting him for not giving me enough. That means a lot to us both and we're on the road to finding a way of dealing with it. If you dont imagine that you can live the rest of your married life without sex or only having sex maybe once or twice a year, then for your own sake and that of your husband have the strength to be honest and say "honey, I love you so much, but our life isnt working for me - I need more than you can give me and rather than spend the next 30 years blaming you for a life you couldn't give me, I think its time we admit that we need to move on and go our own way." It sounds harsh, but you must realise that sometimes tha answer is not always going to be the outcome you want.

August 4, 2009 - 3:21am
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