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Why doesn't my husband want me?

By March 24, 2009 - 6:41am
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I am 39 years old and am a newlywed. My husband and I have only been married for a month and a half and he has already lost interest in me sexually. No matter what I do or don't do, I just can't turn him on. I once had a boyfriend who was impotent and he did at least make attempts at having sex. My husband doesn't even try. When we go to bed he goes right to sleep. A few nights ago while we were in bed, I was trying to arouse him and he simply moved my hand and turned over then went to sleep. I could understand if he had always been this way with me but he hasn't.

He makes me feel utterly repulsive.

Is there a medication I can have prescribed for me so that I don't have the urge for sex as well so that I have no problem with his lack of desire for me?

"I'm updating this Blog. If any of you women have had the same problem with your husband please get him to talk to you about what's going on. Maybe he has some health problem that he refuses to get checked out. My husband just passed on March 09. He had a massive heart attack. It was sudden. He had to go for training for the Tactical Squad for the prison where he worked on Sunday. I had no idea when I kissed him, hugged him good-bye and told him I loved him that would be the last time I would see him take a breath."

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(reply to Anonymous)


We're so glad you found us at EmpowHer. Thank you for writing, I can tell that it was really hard for you to put it all down in black and white.

Ordinarily, I would tell you just to wait until you move out, because living with his parents would be a libido-killer for anyone, I think. It just seems hard to be relaxed and in that romantic zone knowing that your mom or dad could hear something. So as I read your letter, I thought my words were going to tell you to breathe, to relax, to wait until after you move out, to let the topic go for a while and to see if things improve once you are out on your own together.

Then I got to the end of your letter and found out he had been emailing other women in secret. This is huge, regardless of whether he ever met anyone. Just the fact that he would ever email someone asking about a secret relationship when the two of you are newlyweds is real trouble.

The emails may have stopped, but what remains is that just four months ago he was deceiving you about something major. I worry about this in the long run. When you talked about it, what did he say about it? (I don't think anything excuses it. But I'm interested in what he told you.)

What I read in your letter is a thoughtful, loving woman who wants to have sex with her husband but who is constantly refused. And that the same husband went behind her back to at least think about the notion of an extracurricular relationship. Is there more to it than this? If not, why are you thinking that the sex issue is yours alone to fix?

Would you and your husband consider couples counseling in this area? Is it something you think might help?

April 13, 2010 - 9:35am
EmpowHER Guest

Hi Anonymous,

Thank you for your comment and sorry to hear about your situation with your husband. Is there anyway to talk to him about your feelings? It appears to me that you explain that there is no talking, sex, etc., then ultimately you are a slave to the kitchen and house. I will assume none of these things make you happy.

Have you ever thought about working? This is a way to get yourself out of the house as well as freedom for your own monetary gains and stability. Have you tried counseling?

Please keep us updated.

April 10, 2010 - 10:11am
EmpowHER Guest

This situation is with me also..I m 25yrs old ...Married since 5yrs..having one kid..we both r well educated but he doesnt allow me to do a job.He doesnt give me pocket money which i can spend for myself..if he gives me money then i have to give him all details where i have spent.He doesnt like to talk to me...no sex nothing..He ignores me .My duty is only cooking food for my family and cleaning home.While sleeping he just turns over and sleep and i feel very sad and not able to sleep whole night.I try to divert myself but i cant.I play with my kid whole day but wen my husband is at home I become sad as i expect something from him.Many times i told him about his attitute but he told that he coludnt change himself.Also one thing he is very egostic.

April 10, 2010 - 9:48am
(reply to Anonymous)

You gotta leave him, he's an abusive prick and is only trying to control you. He doesn't love you at all! Get out of that relationship while you can

July 10, 2010 - 1:24pm

My boyfriend and I moved in together for the first time before that he lived with his parents, so we could never be intimate that often, be we longed for it. I thought that once we move in together, we could be a lot more intimate... but now its been over 2 months and he just wont even touch me, he wont caress me or woe me or try anything! We've talked about it and he said he is stressed sometimes and feeling depressed because he can't find a good career that he is feeling sad and unmotivated, also he said that I should be trying to make him interested in me by dressing up sexy and all.... (I've tried that but its exhausting! I'm not an escort girl) Now I love him but I have my needs too and it seems like he's ok without any sex or any intimacy. I feel like it's just going to get worse and worse... should I still want to marry this kind of person?? Intimacy and sex is just as important as Love to me.

I feel so abandoned by him and we don''t have any money to spend on a therapist... Please help!

March 22, 2010 - 2:39am
(reply to Adelaide7)

If you expect him to go out of his boundaries for you, then you have to do the same for you.
Men are human beings, not objects!
Dress up sexy like he wants and you'll get the intimacy you want, problem solved!
Don't be selfish because love is about compromise not about getting what you want :)

July 10, 2010 - 1:22pm
EmpowHER Guest

Reading these posts makes me feel extremely sad, but at the same time I see that I'm not alone. I am 45 years old and I've been married to my husband for 6 years. As of this day, it's been over two years since he has slept in the same bed with me. It's been over 6 months since we have had sex (only because I pretty much begged for it). And even that felt like it was more of a quicky to quiet me down. About a month ago I asked him to be intimate. His answer was "tomorrow", which never came. I have learned to live without the sex although I get the "itch" once and a while which makes me feel miserable because I know he won't do anything about it.
What makes things worse is that he won't even hug me, caress me or do anything that requires a physical touch. I'm always the one asking for and giving hugs and kisses and frankly it gets old. Don't get me wrong; I love my husband and I know he loves me but like so many others who have posted here, he thinks he can substitute physical attention with gifts. I have told him before that I don't want gifts, I want him. He tells me he will work on it but I have yet to see a change.

I am a christian woman. I don't believe having a fling just to satisfy my sexual urges is going to solve anything. I have my moments when I get so depressed even at church when I am sitting behind couples (who are approximately my age), and the husband puts his arm around his wife. It's just human nature to desire physical affection. I am grateful that I have the Lord in my life, because I don't know how else I could gather strength to live like this. I will pray for every woman going through this situation.

March 21, 2010 - 11:54am
(reply to Anonymous)

I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is certainly two different scenarios: a couple who is lacking sex in their relationship (for whatever reasons) and a couple who lacks all forms of physical intimacy.

Since you are lacking physical intimacy in your relationship, you are right...no matter what your values or morals are, having a sexual fling would not make your relationship feel any better. It is sad that you have talked with your husband about your feelings, and he either agrees and says "tomorrow" or gives you gifts...when all you want is a hand held, kiss or hug.

When he is open to talking about it, and says "he will work on it", has he described how? Has he told you what is holding him back from being physically open, vulnerable and intimate with you? His answers sound like "blow off answers" without any real action behind them, so I am not surprised that he has not made any changes. His answers themselves tell us what his intentions are: to stay the way he is.

The primary answers you need now are:
He obviously does not want to/know how to change his behavior, even though he knows you are hurt by it. So...how does HE feel about the physical intimacy in his relationship with you? Does HE like it the way it is? How would he improve or change it in the ideal world? What does HE view as the barrier in the relationship between what is the current physical relationship vs. the ideal physical relationship? Is he upset about other aspects of the relationship, and unable to communicate the problems (and it is coming out in this passive-aggressive way by withholding physical affection?). Does he not like to be touched by anyone; is he physically exhausted from work (kids, life) and can't provide any additional physical support to anyone else? Is he in such a habit that he does not know how to show physical affection anymore? Does he not want to "give" any more to the relationship? There are so many "what if's" that the only way to know what he is really feeling or thinking is to ask and really listen...even if it hurts. He does have a responsibility to openly and honestly communicate with you, as this is not a healthy relationship that he has helped to create, and a marriage counselor could help tremendously.

Then, you have a few choices to make, based on his answers:
1. If he likes the relationship the way it is, is he willing to go to couples counseling with you to talk about ways to compromise and "meet in the middle" so that you are both happy and fulfilled in the relationship?
2. If he would like to change the physical relationship, but does not know how to or feels that it is too late or it's habit now, is he willing to go to couples counseling with you, so you can both learn ways to get over this barrier in your lives?

March 21, 2010 - 1:00pm
EmpowHER Guest

It has been 2 yrs now. He doesn't touch me or kiss me or even hold my hand. Nothing. We have been married almost 31 yrs. If I could support myself I would probably leave. I feel like I am living with my brother. He refuses to discuss anything and if I try then everything is my fault. Or he tries to turn it around so I look like the bad guy. Very frustrating in more ways then one.

March 19, 2010 - 4:07pm


I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband this week. I can only imagine the shock and pain you felt when you learned that he had died. It is a profound, profound loss.

I agree with Pat -- the fact that you kissed him, hugged him and told him you love him is a complete gift. Both to him and to you as you struggle now being without him.

I hope that you do not feel badly that when things were rough you sought help here. Every couple has difficulties; it just means they are human. You were trying to work through yours, which is all any of us can do. What matters more than anything is that you cared enough to try.

I hope you have friends and family surrounding you with support as you go through this difficult time, DiW. We are here for you anytime.


March 12, 2010 - 8:06am
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