Hi,
I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is certainly two different scenarios: a couple who is lacking sex in their relationship (for whatever reasons) and a couple who lacks all forms of physical intimacy.
Since you are lacking physical intimacy in your relationship, you are right...no matter what your values or morals are, having a sexual fling would not make your relationship feel any better. It is sad that you have talked with your husband about your feelings, and he either agrees and says "tomorrow" or gives you gifts...when all you want is a hand held, kiss or hug.
When he is open to talking about it, and says "he will work on it", has he described how? Has he told you what is holding him back from being physically open, vulnerable and intimate with you? His answers sound like "blow off answers" without any real action behind them, so I am not surprised that he has not made any changes. His answers themselves tell us what his intentions are: to stay the way he is.
The primary answers you need now are:
He obviously does not want to/know how to change his behavior, even though he knows you are hurt by it. So...how does HE feel about the physical intimacy in his relationship with you? Does HE like it the way it is? How would he improve or change it in the ideal world? What does HE view as the barrier in the relationship between what is the current physical relationship vs. the ideal physical relationship? Is he upset about other aspects of the relationship, and unable to communicate the problems (and it is coming out in this passive-aggressive way by withholding physical affection?). Does he not like to be touched by anyone; is he physically exhausted from work (kids, life) and can't provide any additional physical support to anyone else? Is he in such a habit that he does not know how to show physical affection anymore? Does he not want to "give" any more to the relationship? There are so many "what if's" that the only way to know what he is really feeling or thinking is to ask and really listen...even if it hurts. He does have a responsibility to openly and honestly communicate with you, as this is not a healthy relationship that he has helped to create, and a marriage counselor could help tremendously.
Then, you have a few choices to make, based on his answers:
1. If he likes the relationship the way it is, is he willing to go to couples counseling with you to talk about ways to compromise and "meet in the middle" so that you are both happy and fulfilled in the relationship?
2. If he would like to change the physical relationship, but does not know how to or feels that it is too late or it's habit now, is he willing to go to couples counseling with you, so you can both learn ways to get over this barrier in your lives?
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Hi,
I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is certainly two different scenarios: a couple who is lacking sex in their relationship (for whatever reasons) and a couple who lacks all forms of physical intimacy.
Since you are lacking physical intimacy in your relationship, you are right...no matter what your values or morals are, having a sexual fling would not make your relationship feel any better. It is sad that you have talked with your husband about your feelings, and he either agrees and says "tomorrow" or gives you gifts...when all you want is a hand held, kiss or hug.
When he is open to talking about it, and says "he will work on it", has he described how? Has he told you what is holding him back from being physically open, vulnerable and intimate with you? His answers sound like "blow off answers" without any real action behind them, so I am not surprised that he has not made any changes. His answers themselves tell us what his intentions are: to stay the way he is.
The primary answers you need now are:
He obviously does not want to/know how to change his behavior, even though he knows you are hurt by it. So...how does HE feel about the physical intimacy in his relationship with you? Does HE like it the way it is? How would he improve or change it in the ideal world? What does HE view as the barrier in the relationship between what is the current physical relationship vs. the ideal physical relationship? Is he upset about other aspects of the relationship, and unable to communicate the problems (and it is coming out in this passive-aggressive way by withholding physical affection?). Does he not like to be touched by anyone; is he physically exhausted from work (kids, life) and can't provide any additional physical support to anyone else? Is he in such a habit that he does not know how to show physical affection anymore? Does he not want to "give" any more to the relationship? There are so many "what if's" that the only way to know what he is really feeling or thinking is to ask and really listen...even if it hurts. He does have a responsibility to openly and honestly communicate with you, as this is not a healthy relationship that he has helped to create, and a marriage counselor could help tremendously.
Then, you have a few choices to make, based on his answers:
March 21, 2010 - 1:00pm1. If he likes the relationship the way it is, is he willing to go to couples counseling with you to talk about ways to compromise and "meet in the middle" so that you are both happy and fulfilled in the relationship?
2. If he would like to change the physical relationship, but does not know how to or feels that it is too late or it's habit now, is he willing to go to couples counseling with you, so you can both learn ways to get over this barrier in your lives?
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