Facebook Pixel

Why doesn't my husband want me?

By March 24, 2009 - 6:41am
Rate This

I am 39 years old and am a newlywed. My husband and I have only been married for a month and a half and he has already lost interest in me sexually. No matter what I do or don't do, I just can't turn him on. I once had a boyfriend who was impotent and he did at least make attempts at having sex. My husband doesn't even try. When we go to bed he goes right to sleep. A few nights ago while we were in bed, I was trying to arouse him and he simply moved my hand and turned over then went to sleep. I could understand if he had always been this way with me but he hasn't.

He makes me feel utterly repulsive.

Is there a medication I can have prescribed for me so that I don't have the urge for sex as well so that I have no problem with his lack of desire for me?

"I'm updating this Blog. If any of you women have had the same problem with your husband please get him to talk to you about what's going on. Maybe he has some health problem that he refuses to get checked out. My husband just passed on March 09. He had a massive heart attack. It was sudden. He had to go for training for the Tactical Squad for the prison where he worked on Sunday. I had no idea when I kissed him, hugged him good-bye and told him I loved him that would be the last time I would see him take a breath."

Add a Comment246 Comments

EmpowHER Guest

One good thing about reading these blogs is I am not alone. I am 33 yrs old and have been married 6 years. My husband and I have two beautiful children and over all my husband is a good man. We dated and were engaged a total of almost 2 years before we Wed and the passion and romance was hot, exciting and often. It was within a month after getting married that everything changed. We never had sex unless I made the first move and eventually he started to push me away. Then it went to 1 a month for a few years and now we are working up to 3 months with nothing. He never touches me :( It is so lonely...... We have discussed this topic many of times and it always causes a fight. I have often wondered if he was cheating(because knowing his sex life before we married)or maybe a bigger issue he was dealing with, like if he is gay. I just want to know so I know what I can do-like move on or help him. He is so hard to read- I often say he's like being married to a rock. I don't want a divorce for the sake of the kids, but I am not sure how much longer I can handle this. I am starting to reconnect with an old fling over the internet and the temptations are tempting to say the least. I have never cheated on anyone before and this is really not the way I like to handle things or myself-but I am starting to feel desperate. What to do? What to do?

September 2, 2010 - 2:11pm
EmpowHER Guest

I found so much compassion and wisdom in this thread. My husband of 5 yrs (dated for 2 before that) has never really been into sex with me. Although he went to a dungeon once before I met him. Had some one-night stands, one of which produced a son who is probably 16 now (husband pays child support but doesn't see him; I frankly have no interest in meeting him. Husband and I were clear on neither of us wanting kids. Even though he has one. Jesus.)

We are companionate, but not really friends. I think he and I were looking for "safe harbor" in getting married, and assuming it was the thing to do if you're 30 and crave stability.

But I've worked on my self-esteem and abuse issues, and I'm in a quandary.

I feel like I signed up for lack of sex as my payment for getting someone who wouldn't hurt me. But now I feel like I can branch out. I find I can try things (work, friends) and that I want to. And I need intimacy of all kinds. But I'm not able to get it with my husband, even after therapy and 4 years of us discussing it in a non-threatening manner.

My husband says that I'm not grateful for what I have; that most marriages don't have sex; that it's the friendship. But I don't even feel that. We're so awkward with each other. He does his thing, and I do mine. Little common interest.

Everything I've read says that marriage is a professional relationship. Work on it like you do at work. I knew that going in. And he seemed the most stable candidate.

But I'm lonely. We talk a few minutes a day, then go on as roommates.

Is it a fantasy to find someone you click with, at least for a while, and someone you desire and who desires you? Or ate long-term relationships basically functional ones?

Sorry for ramble--written from my phone and can't edit.

August 19, 2010 - 2:13am
(reply to Anonymous)

It's not a fantasy. If you aren't clicking it's because you settled. Always aim for the highest, if you aren't completely head over heels in love then move on, or you'll never be happy.

September 30, 2010 - 11:53am
Expert HERWriter Guide Blogger (reply to Anonymous)

Anon - Thanks for sharing your story. No need to apologize for the ramble, when we share from our hearts that's what happens. I hope it helped you to write out your thoughts, and that others will respond. Pat

August 19, 2010 - 5:28pm
EmpowHER Guest

I agree with the sentiment: Do things for yourself. My husband and I have the same same type of marriage listed in all the descriptions here. But you know what, I listen to all my friends that have these great and wonderful relationships-they have hot steamy nights, and get all this attention in the bedroom. but you know what, my husband may not be casanova in the bedroom-but he treats me well. He listens to me (ok not all the time, but a lot). Do I want more intimacy? Heck yeah, but after all the drama of listening to my friends with their boyfriends and husbands, I've decided that I can be happy with what I have.
I'm of the philosophy that there's the devil you know, and the devil you don't. I'd rather have the one I know. My husband loves me in his own way, and he shows it differently than others. But he loves me. My friend's husband "loves"-he shows it by isolating her, and not allowing her to talk to friends after work. My other friend has men who "love" her-each one of them has left her with a baby to raise on her own.
My husband may not want intimacy-but he doesn't want it with anyone else either! He stays home, reads books and magazines, watches TV with me. I'm not getting a disease (one of my friends got those too!), and I know where he is. He's not gambling, drinking, or carousing.
I've watched friends go through all different things, and you know what-they're all jealous of my husband! they tell me how lucky I am that I have a thoughtful husband. How great it is that he's not out all hours of the night. I finally figured out that I'm the lucky one.

July 20, 2010 - 9:56pm
EmpowHER Guest

Hi Elejeune,

There is a lot of regret in your story and I hope that either you both can learn to love again or simply move on. I am sure the last three years have been long and traumatic to you and you have learned to get used to (or comfortable) with what is going on in your relationship. Now that he has a change of heart, he just wants you to jump aboard his train. Well, you have already did things HIS way by not having sex or really a relationship so there is a lot of making up to do.

There is a chance in every relationship and maybe marriage counseling would be helpful in yours. Your relationship would have to start fresh and new to recreate a relationship that was lost when you got married.

Can you keep us updated on your situation? You along with many other posters on this subject will help along the way with others. I hope your situation will also help others. Good Luck!

July 10, 2010 - 7:57am

I can completely relate to you. I am 29 years old with 3 beautiful little girls....3 years ago I married who I thought was the man of my dreams. When we were dating we had amazing conversations, so much in common, we cuddled and held eachother, we cleaned together, we cooked together, we parented together.....and we had the most amazing sex life to top it all off....and I mean AMAZING....So, one day, we got married. We came home that day (the girls were with a friend) I couldn't wait to make love to my new husband. He rejected me. He had never done that before. He actually had the nerve to say stop it, you're making it hard...All I could think is duh!! that's the point dummy! We never even got one day of a good marriage. Since our wedding day, I have found out that all of our conversations and everything that we had in common was a lie. He told me what he thought I wanted to hear to get me to love him...I almost left this summer....to another state...I asked for a divorce...I have felt unloved and unwanted by my husband since the day we were married...We haven't even sat on the same piece of furniture together for over 2 years. We are less than room mates, we are not even friends. I blamed myself for a long time...even though I had no idea what for. When I try to talk to him about it, it's always something that's wrong with me...and not even stuff that I have control over. One day it's because I have a dislocated rib, the next was a hernia (which I had repaired and that still made no difference), the next was a simple just because or life isn't always fair. I am staying due to other health reasons and he now wants to be prince charming. But, to be honest, I don't think I can have sex with him now. After 3 years of being rejected and treated like crap. After 3 years of crying myself to sleep at night and him just ignoring it. After 3 years of begging for an answer, and sometimes just begging for affection of some sort...I feel detached...I, honestly, don't even think that I like men anymore. I mean, I still have the desire to have sex, just not with him. I feel betrayed to the point of no return. I cringe when he tries to kiss me now. I feel uncomfortable. It's a sad situation. I feel for anybody that has to go through this. My husband has also told me that sex is not important in a marriage, so what's the big deal. The big deal is...if you felt this way, you shouldn't have proposed to me. Or better yet, we should have NEVER had sex to begin with...we should have just been friends. I'll never understand why. And I'm not sure how to repair this, if it's even possible. I just don't want him to touch me now...Why after 3 years of me begging should I just be like "Oh, you want to do me now? Sure! Why not?! Let's go baby! Because that's what YOU want." Screw that! I am better than that. I am not somebodys personal whore. Sorry, I could go on and on...I'll stop now.

July 9, 2010 - 2:59pm

I just cant find the solution.... we decided go back to uk, then is close to his family and his doughter...maybe he will be back how he use to be?
I read what the girls say and is like reading my own stuf...lol


July 8, 2010 - 2:40pm
EmpowHER Guest

Hi Kath,

I have to admit that I had to do my homework since I had no idea who Dita Von Tesse was, lol. I am assuming that your not too happy with not having sex for over two years with your fiance. Let me ask you something...when is the wedding? Have you both started planning, have a date planned or are you in the stuck in fiance mode?

The reason I am asking is because sex is a part of marriage. To have sex with someone is the most intimate thing you can share with someone. Your fiance telling you that you need to look like someone else cannot feel too good. I am assuming this is why you came to us for advice, right? What will make you happy, Kath? Does this man give you everything else that you need as a woman but you are lacking the sex part? Does he put you down in others ways?

June 26, 2010 - 3:23pm
EmpowHER Guest

Sad and Lonely
Hello ladies.......................... been with my partner (fiance) for 4 years....................................... we haven't had sex for more than 2 years........................... when I try to get sexual or romanic with him, he moans "oooow! I didn't get warmed up!!" and then he tells me that the only way he'd get hot would be if DITA VON TEESE came and got into bed with him........................... She's not likely to, so he's got me. And he's not interested. Can we get married, like this?
Kath in London

June 26, 2010 - 1:26pm
Enter the characters shown in the image.
By submitting this form, you agree to EmpowHER's terms of service and privacy policy
Add a Comment

All user-generated information on this site is the opinion of its author only and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for any medical conditions. Members and guests are responsible for their own posts and the potential consequences of those posts detailed in our Terms of Service.

Sex & Relationships

Get Email Updates

Resource Centers

Sex & Relationships Guide

HERWriter Guide

Have a question? We're here to help. Ask the Community.


Health Newsletter

Receive the latest and greatest in women's health and wellness from EmpowHER - for free!