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Why doesn't my husband want me?

By March 24, 2009 - 6:41am
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I am 39 years old and am a newlywed. My husband and I have only been married for a month and a half and he has already lost interest in me sexually. No matter what I do or don't do, I just can't turn him on. I once had a boyfriend who was impotent and he did at least make attempts at having sex. My husband doesn't even try. When we go to bed he goes right to sleep. A few nights ago while we were in bed, I was trying to arouse him and he simply moved my hand and turned over then went to sleep. I could understand if he had always been this way with me but he hasn't.

He makes me feel utterly repulsive.

Is there a medication I can have prescribed for me so that I don't have the urge for sex as well so that I have no problem with his lack of desire for me?

"I'm updating this Blog. If any of you women have had the same problem with your husband please get him to talk to you about what's going on. Maybe he has some health problem that he refuses to get checked out. My husband just passed on March 09. He had a massive heart attack. It was sudden. He had to go for training for the Tactical Squad for the prison where he worked on Sunday. I had no idea when I kissed him, hugged him good-bye and told him I loved him that would be the last time I would see him take a breath."

Add a Comment246 Comments

(reply to Anonymous)

There could be many, many reasons that your husband is not initiating sex as often as you would like. Have you asked him? And, I mean talked with him in a way that is not defensive, blaming, guilt-inducing or anything similar...but just talked with him about your relationship overall, and how he feels about his physical connection and physical intimacy between you two? Really listen to his answer...maybe he is fine having sex once-in-a-while. Maybe he is afraid after seeing his new wife go through uncontrollable bleeding for almost a month (1/3 of your entire marriage!) that he is unsure how to physically approach you, or he is afraid to hurt you? Or, he could be wanting to have sex, but is too tired, stressed, worried, anxious...not feeling like he can live up to the pressure, etc. So many reasons, that they only way to find out is to ask him! Once you two have some conversations about your relationship, including the physical aspects, then you can learn more about what each other's preferences are (frequency, duration, etc.), and then problem-solve. If you both want to have sex or physical contact more often, but life/kids/stress/work/home gets in the way, how do you make time for each other?

Hope this helps...please let us know how your conversations go!

February 23, 2010 - 3:24pm
EmpowHER Guest

Wow.I thought I was going crazy until I found this site.
I am nuts about my husband, he is funny, charming, handsome and most of all dedicated. He tells me loves me everyday, we go to church together, and he cares for my daughters from my previous marriage as if they were his own.
Here is where the shoe drops..I don't think he is into me.We have been married for 3 months, and have had sex 9 times..
He jumps when I reach for him, and reacts to my touch in and out of the bed in an estranged manner. I don't nag at him about it, but I have stopped initiating sex. I don't ever catch him "checking me out" as he did when we were dating either.
I try to relieve his workday pressures in little ways, I bring him home lil cards or trinkets when I am out, anything that I can think of doing to ensure that he knows he is valued as a partner first.

I know that he was an avid porn watcher before we married and experimented sexually with another man once, could there be residual effects from this? Could his libido crashed since we married? Am I wrong for desiring sex with my husband once or twice a week? I find myself stalking his ex's online to just to compare myself physically..maybe if I looked more like one of them..
I am going insane, like I should just find meds that kill my drive so that I can stop wanting it..

Any help or suggestion??????, I have decided to back off for another month..if nothing has changed than I will have to bring it up..

February 23, 2010 - 1:37pm

He has rheumatoid arthritis in addition to being on strong narcotics for that he has high blood pressure. He was told by his Dr. that he needs to be tested for low testosterone. The meds that he is (and has) taken, may be causing his low libido. He hasn't seemed to interested in getting the blood work done. That was mentioned 3 months ago. I have talked to him about counseling, he is very reluctant. Thanks for the feedback. I was so surprised that my post got read and responded to so quickly.

February 21, 2010 - 5:52pm
(reply to browneyedgirl)

Update! My husband went last week to FINALLY get his hormone levels checked. It turn out his testoserone levels are VERY low. They are 180!! Normal is 400-600 I think. The Dr. Prescribed a gel that he puts on his shoulders daily. It's just day two and I am keeping my fingers crossed that this stuff will work. If it doesn't, then I would say there is somehting else going on no meds can fix.

March 3, 2010 - 8:28am
(reply to browneyedgirl)

I'm glad you found our responses helpful. It makes sense that he would be reluctant to go to counseling, since he does not even have a definite diagnosis regarding his testosterone.

I wonder if there is any incentive that would get him to the lab for blood work tests? If his medicine is causing low testosterone (he can blame it on treatment and not on himself, in a way), then perhaps an actual diagnosis could lead to some better treatment alternatives? Would he feel more hopeful if he knew that he could feel BETTER and have a higher libido (does he want this?) if he could get the tests done for an accurate diagnosis?

February 21, 2010 - 9:02pm
EmpowHER Guest

I am sorry to hear about your relationship. You said your husband has an illness...what is the illness?

When it comes to relationships, there are certainly hard times. You are suffering from the lack of attention and sexual needs but on the other hand he is suffering from an illness. For better or worse? Sometimes, that doesn't seem fair.

I think from your story, he really needs to understand your needs and give a little. Talking doesn't seem to work, how about counseling where there is someone else involved?

February 21, 2010 - 10:07am

I am 40 yrs old and have been married for 6 yrs. My husband suffers from a chronic illness and I understand what a lot of you are going through. I know how it makes you feel. I have been made to feel as though I have something wrong with me for wanting it more than 3 times a month. He does nothing to want to satisfy my needs. It's hard to feel like you are married to your brother at times! We can't discuss this rationaly because It will result in a fight that I am being insensitive to him due to his illness. I bought a 'toy' that he could use on me and was made to feel like trash because I bought it, made me feel dirty and worse. I am so glad to be able to connect with other women who are going through similar situations. Other than the lousy sex life, we enjoy each others company. I just wonder is just LOVE going to be enough for me?

February 21, 2010 - 8:41am
(reply to browneyedgirl)

I am also wondering what type of chronic illness your husband has? Regardless of his illness, there is no reason for him to make you feel dirty and worse for buying and using a sex toy. He is obviously taking out his frustrations, guilt, hurt and unhappiness out on you, and I'm sorry you have to deal with the brunt of it. It does sound like he could use some counseling, so that he is better able to deal with his emotions, as your role as the caregiver and spouse (with needs, of course!) can be emotionally draining. Coupled with the fact that you are being insulted for trying to meet your own physical needs..I can only imagine how exhausted you feel.

I'm happy to hear that you still enjoy each other's company, and it could be a good idea to talk with a counselor together who specializes in helping couples regain physical intimacy through a chronic illness. This is VERY common, and I see workshops, books and other media regarding this topic; it makes sense, too, that you are both needing intimacy from each other, in different ways. No one tells us how to be physically intimate with someone after a life event...such as having a new baby, a chronic illness, etc.

I'm not sure if love is enough...but I do know that COMMUNICATION that is open & honest, with both partners feeling heard and understood, is of utmost importance. If you feel you can not even mention a concern that you have without a major fight, it might be time to bring in a 3rd person (counselor) who can help each of you listen effectively and guide you to a solution that works best for both of you. Doesn't that sound wonderful?!

Please let us know how you are doing!

February 21, 2010 - 1:22pm
EmpowHER Guest

I wish my husband would like to have sex with me. We don't even really kiss except a peck kiss. I know he is stressed at work and he has school, but I am stressed with kids and work. I love him, but he likes to buy me things instead of being loving on me. It has been over 2 months since we last had sex and I had to say something and it wasn't real long or real great. Afterwards it is like he got a chore done. I haven't felt love from my husband in a really long time. I just wish he would show me like he used to. We have been married over 8 years and dated 2 years before that. He has lost interest in sex since we got married so it isn't something that happened just recently.

February 20, 2010 - 8:34pm
(reply to Anonymous)

It's wonderful that you spoke to your husband about your concern, and it sounds like his response was to have sex with you. So, I assume he thought he "took care of the problem", when the real problem is not the lack of sex (although it is a symptom of a larger concern/problem), but that you are feeling unloved.

I wonder...if you spoke with him about this more broad concern that you have (not just the lack of sex)? How does your husband feel about the physical AND emotional intimacy between you two? Does he want it to change as well, but just not sure how to make improvements? Does he have the time, energy or inclination to make some improvements, or is he fine with the way your relationship is at the moment?

Please have a heart-to-heart with your husband about how he is feeling in the relationship, both emotionally and physically, and see if you are both on the same page. It can take months of talking and taking time to assess the problem...try not to jump into a solution (ie, sex), as that is temporary and as you said, feels more like checking something off the list at this point.

If you two are not on the same page, does he still care emotionally about your concerns? Does he see this as a temporary "ebb-and-flow" in the relationship with the unmanageable stress, that will soon remedy itself without "big discussions"?

I'm just curious if you are diving into the past, wondering "what has happened"?, and he is just thinking "I've got to get through school, then everything will be OK...". If so, what can you two compromise on to meet some of BOTH of your needs? What can you do to make him a little less stressed, and what can he do to make you feel a little more loved? Even if it is just one hour per week...what can you both do for each other?

February 21, 2010 - 8:14am
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