Why doesn't my husband want me?

There could be many, many reasons that your husband is not initiating sex as often as you would like. Have you asked him? And, I mean talked with him in a way that is not defensive, blaming, guilt-inducing or anything similar...but just talked with him about your relationship overall, and how he feels about his physical connection and physical intimacy between you two? Really listen to his answer...maybe he is fine having sex once-in-a-while. Maybe he is afraid after seeing his new wife go through uncontrollable bleeding for almost a month (1/3 of your entire marriage!) that he is unsure how to physically approach you, or he is afraid to hurt you? Or, he could be wanting to have sex, but is too tired, stressed, worried, anxious...not feeling like he can live up to the pressure, etc. So many reasons, that they only way to find out is to ask him! Once you two have some conversations about your relationship, including the physical aspects, then you can learn more about what each other's preferences are (frequency, duration, etc.), and then problem-solve. If you both want to have sex or physical contact more often, but life/kids/stress/work/home gets in the way, how do you make time for each other?

Hope this helps...please let us know how your conversations go!

Update! My husband went last week to FINALLY get his hormone levels checked. It turn out his testoserone levels are VERY low. They are 180!! Normal is 400-600 I think. The Dr. Prescribed a gel that he puts on his shoulders daily. It's just day two and I am keeping my fingers crossed that this stuff will work. If it doesn't, then I would say there is somehting else going on no meds can fix.

I'm glad you found our responses helpful. It makes sense that he would be reluctant to go to counseling, since he does not even have a definite diagnosis regarding his testosterone.

I wonder if there is any incentive that would get him to the lab for blood work tests? If his medicine is causing low testosterone (he can blame it on treatment and not on himself, in a way), then perhaps an actual diagnosis could lead to some better treatment alternatives? Would he feel more hopeful if he knew that he could feel BETTER and have a higher libido (does he want this?) if he could get the tests done for an accurate diagnosis?

I am also wondering what type of chronic illness your husband has? Regardless of his illness, there is no reason for him to make you feel dirty and worse for buying and using a sex toy. He is obviously taking out his frustrations, guilt, hurt and unhappiness out on you, and I'm sorry you have to deal with the brunt of it. It does sound like he could use some counseling, so that he is better able to deal with his emotions, as your role as the caregiver and spouse (with needs, of course!) can be emotionally draining. Coupled with the fact that you are being insulted for trying to meet your own physical needs..I can only imagine how exhausted you feel.

I'm happy to hear that you still enjoy each other's company, and it could be a good idea to talk with a counselor together who specializes in helping couples regain physical intimacy through a chronic illness. This is VERY common, and I see workshops, books and other media regarding this topic; it makes sense, too, that you are both needing intimacy from each other, in different ways. No one tells us how to be physically intimate with someone after a life event...such as having a new baby, a chronic illness, etc.

I'm not sure if love is enough...but I do know that COMMUNICATION that is open & honest, with both partners feeling heard and understood, is of utmost importance. If you feel you can not even mention a concern that you have without a major fight, it might be time to bring in a 3rd person (counselor) who can help each of you listen effectively and guide you to a solution that works best for both of you. Doesn't that sound wonderful?!

Please let us know how you are doing!

It's wonderful that you spoke to your husband about your concern, and it sounds like his response was to have sex with you. So, I assume he thought he "took care of the problem", when the real problem is not the lack of sex (although it is a symptom of a larger concern/problem), but that you are feeling unloved.

I wonder...if you spoke with him about this more broad concern that you have (not just the lack of sex)? How does your husband feel about the physical AND emotional intimacy between you two? Does he want it to change as well, but just not sure how to make improvements? Does he have the time, energy or inclination to make some improvements, or is he fine with the way your relationship is at the moment?

Please have a heart-to-heart with your husband about how he is feeling in the relationship, both emotionally and physically, and see if you are both on the same page. It can take months of talking and taking time to assess the problem...try not to jump into a solution (ie, sex), as that is temporary and as you said, feels more like checking something off the list at this point.

If you two are not on the same page, does he still care emotionally about your concerns? Does he see this as a temporary "ebb-and-flow" in the relationship with the unmanageable stress, that will soon remedy itself without "big discussions"?

I'm just curious if you are diving into the past, wondering "what has happened"?, and he is just thinking "I've got to get through school, then everything will be OK...". If so, what can you two compromise on to meet some of BOTH of your needs? What can you do to make him a little less stressed, and what can he do to make you feel a little more loved? Even if it is just one hour per week...what can you both do for each other?