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Why doesn't my husband want me?

By March 24, 2009 - 6:41am
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I am 39 years old and am a newlywed. My husband and I have only been married for a month and a half and he has already lost interest in me sexually. No matter what I do or don't do, I just can't turn him on. I once had a boyfriend who was impotent and he did at least make attempts at having sex. My husband doesn't even try. When we go to bed he goes right to sleep. A few nights ago while we were in bed, I was trying to arouse him and he simply moved my hand and turned over then went to sleep. I could understand if he had always been this way with me but he hasn't.

He makes me feel utterly repulsive.

Is there a medication I can have prescribed for me so that I don't have the urge for sex as well so that I have no problem with his lack of desire for me?

"I'm updating this Blog. If any of you women have had the same problem with your husband please get him to talk to you about what's going on. Maybe he has some health problem that he refuses to get checked out. My husband just passed on March 09. He had a massive heart attack. It was sudden. He had to go for training for the Tactical Squad for the prison where he worked on Sunday. I had no idea when I kissed him, hugged him good-bye and told him I loved him that would be the last time I would see him take a breath."

Add a Comment246 Comments

(reply to Anonymous)

Just leave him, tell him that you hope Dita Von Teese can please him better than you could :)
He'll probably come crawling back

July 10, 2010 - 1:43pm

Hello - I noticed nobody has written since you have updated your blog. Your blog title caught my attention - being married 20 years and 2 kids - just wanted to hear from other females. After reading your update, I wanted to write you. I lost my mother - my best and dearest friend - a few days after my first son was born. Friends, friends of friends, and even people from a small, local eatery sent me cards telling me their experiences of loss. One person even wrote a peom! It eventually helped me get through - I'm sorry for your loss and heartbreak. For some reason, I clicked on your blog. I did not read everyone's input and opinions with your original blog, but I will say - my heart aches and I will keep you in my thoughts. I think you have contributed to more women/men with your blog. Thank you very much!!! xoxoxxo

May 10, 2010 - 4:22pm
(reply to Johannes)


What a thoughtful note, with such a compassionate reason behind it. And you are right -- when I lost my dad, similar cards and letters and love were what helped me through it more than anything. Thank you for writing.

June 4, 2010 - 9:00am
EmpowHER Guest

i am very moved by what everyone has written. i am yet another girl with intimacy issues. i am 25, married, my husband is in his early 30's. when we first started dating, we would have sex at least twice a day! (obviously no one keeps that up forever) after dating for about 6 months we decided to get married. we've now been married for almost 3 years, and we have sex about once or sometimes twice a week. this isn't ok with me, however he seems fine with it. i will mention that weight is a factor as he has gained a substantial amount of weight since we were married. he uses this as his most common excuse for not wanting to have sex - he EVEN REJECTS bjs. what man rejects a free bj? while i uderstand he's gained weight, i have observed plenty of overweight men that had a more than healthy sexual appetite. this is QUITE alarming to me, my last relationship before this one had a normal sexual relationship that was sustained for about 2 years, we both wanted it and were very happy in that dept. now that i've met my best friend and married him i feel rejected and abandoned by him sexually. other than this, he really does seem to care for me. i don't know what to do! like many others that have posted, he is very edgy and bitter if i even bring this issue up, so it is never resolved, and of course now i feel like he views it as a chore to have sex with me ... which i find beyond insulting and definitely no better than having NO sex at all. i am very scared it will only get worse as the years go by... and i don't even want to think of what it would be like if we were to have a child. i feel like a different person now... no self esteem, always wondering what's wrong with me, and wanting to turn to drinking because of all the frustration. i feel so horrible that i am the one who wants sex more - he tells me "we have sex all the time" which is ridiculous, HELLO once a week, really? there are 7 days in that effin week! again reinforcing that it seems to be a chore for him. this is causing a HUGE amount of resentment on my part, and i'm sure his too. help!

ps. i feel for every single one of you ladies who's written on this subject, i hope for the very best for all of you!!!

May 9, 2010 - 12:45pm
(reply to Anonymous)

The problem is all in your head. Your poor husband probably doesn't want to do it as often because he's insecure about the weight gain. Why don't you try to help him lose some weight! TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT. My boyfriend and I have been dieting and exercising together and it's SO MUCH EASIER when you have someone there to help you say no to all the fattening treats you can have.

Two times a week is completely normal. Have you not read the posts about the women who haven't had sex in YEARS!?
You don't have a problem! You're making one up. He does want you and you should stop being so insecure about things :)

You need to help him feel comfortable before he slips under the sheets with you, that's just how it works

July 10, 2010 - 1:36pm
(reply to Anonymous)

After reading your post, I am wondering why you are so mad, frustrated and angry? What else is going on in your relationship that is causing you so much hurt?

Many couples have sex once or twice a week, and this is completely normal. I am not sure what weight or your previous relationship have to do with any of this? That is why I'm wondering why you are bringing up so many outside factors that are unrelated, instead of focusing on the facts that you and your husband are having physical intimacy on a weekly basis. If you want to engage in sex more frequently and he does not, then that is a topic of conversation for the both of you. Is there room to compromise or negotiate? Why do you feel that you need to have sex more frequently, as it sounds like your entire self esteem is riding on this fact, making me question if your husband is feeling some pressure to have sex with you to make you feel normal...and that sex is not "just sex" between you two (it is your entire self-worth, which would indeed be a daunting task for your husband!!). Do you feel that your physical intimacy with your husband is mutually enjoyable, fun, silly, pleasurable, desirable, etc? Are there too many demands or guilt-trips or second-guessing?

Please put your sex life / physical intimacy life in perspective, and sit down and talk with your husband. Let him know that you are feeling unloved, feeling less-than-confident, feeling low self-worth, and that the only way you know how to build this up is by being physically intimate with him, and when he doesn't feel like having sex, you go deeper into your sadness. See if you two can come up with new ways that YOU can build YOUR confidence without relying on him.

And...maybe after all of this...the frequency of sex or physical intimacy might just increase because you are not demanding it so much.

The other part of this story is: if you feel that your husband is not showing you affection during the other parts of the week when you are not having sex, then this is a legitimate concern and worthy of being discussed with him as well.

What are your thoughts? (Hope I wasn't too blunt)

May 9, 2010 - 8:03pm
EmpowHER Guest

About counseling, I'd definitely consider it. We're going to the Maldives for a delayed honeymoon on Friday for a week. If nothing happens there I was considering bringing up the counseling option afterwards. What do you think? :(

April 13, 2010 - 10:05am
(reply to Anonymous)


How was the delayed honeymoon? Did the two of you have a nice, relaxing time? How did it go with sex and intimacy? And did the two of you talk about counseling at all?

April 27, 2010 - 9:16am
EmpowHER Guest

So touched that you replied. Well, the minute I found the emails I called him and he came home from work that instant. I was crying and hysterical obviously because I never expected this from him. Not in a million years. I was crying and he was crying. He said he stopped sending the emails on his own (which is true as they had stopped end of dec suddenly, and I found them end of jan) and that he came to the realization that he only wants me and what he was doing was f*^&%ed up. He said the constant talk about our sex life got to him and for a second he wanted to prove to himself that there was nothing wrong with him. When what he was doing hit him he realized that this isn't what he wants, that he loves me, and that he only wants me. He's told me this several times since, trying to reassure me. I just can't help but think something major is going on in his head, ESPECIALLY since we're going through this cycle yet another time. Thank you so much for your feedback! Can't wait to hear from you again.

April 13, 2010 - 9:58am
EmpowHER Guest

Firstly, I'd like to say how helpful I found all of your posts. I just want to give you a little background on my own situation to get some feedback. My husband and I have been married for 9 months and were together for a year before that. He went through a horrible marriage to a controlling bitch of a woman and turned to drinking in the end to deal with it. She had vaginismus and they never had sex. He went to hazelden when he divorced and dealt with his drinking issues (he now drinks occasionally and doesn't touch hard liquor - just beer and wine). We are fine with regards to the drinking situation (only sometimes does he go overboard) but our problem lies in the bedroom. Ever since we got engaged, sex hasn't been consistent. Before the engagement, we did it about once every 2 weeks. I brought it up and he said he was stressed (understandable). We've since gotten married and moved to live with his parents (moving out in 2 weeks). He works very hard and is loving his job (he's 30 and this is his first successful job). We have sex about once a month, or once every other month. I always make the move and he ALWAYS rejects me by pushing my hand away or saying he's tired. He's a very kind and loving man but is now starting to get aggressive whenever I bring up the subject. I try not to say anything but find it so hard! I've tried everything. Being sexy, setting the mood with wine and candles. He says it feels like a chore now that I've brought up the subject so many times. I feel like it's a vicious cycle and now feel awkward wearing anything sexy so just go to bed in boxers and a t-shirt. What do you suggest I do? Oh, in Christmas, I found emails from him to random women online asking to meet for a secret relationship. He swore to me he never met them (and from the way he stopped the emails I believe him - and just have a sense with these things). Ugh - can't believe I'm finally letting this out but have reached a dead end. HELP!

April 12, 2010 - 11:39am
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