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Why doesn't my husband want me?

By March 24, 2009 - 6:41am
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I am 39 years old and am a newlywed. My husband and I have only been married for a month and a half and he has already lost interest in me sexually. No matter what I do or don't do, I just can't turn him on. I once had a boyfriend who was impotent and he did at least make attempts at having sex. My husband doesn't even try. When we go to bed he goes right to sleep. A few nights ago while we were in bed, I was trying to arouse him and he simply moved my hand and turned over then went to sleep. I could understand if he had always been this way with me but he hasn't.

He makes me feel utterly repulsive.

Is there a medication I can have prescribed for me so that I don't have the urge for sex as well so that I have no problem with his lack of desire for me?

"I'm updating this Blog. If any of you women have had the same problem with your husband please get him to talk to you about what's going on. Maybe he has some health problem that he refuses to get checked out. My husband just passed on March 09. He had a massive heart attack. It was sudden. He had to go for training for the Tactical Squad for the prison where he worked on Sunday. I had no idea when I kissed him, hugged him good-bye and told him I loved him that would be the last time I would see him take a breath."

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Expert HERWriter Guide Blogger

Hi DiW - I'm so sorry to learn you lost your husband this week. This must be a difficult time for you, and you have our deepest sympathy. It says a lot about you that you would think of other people during this time and take the time to write and share these thoughts.

I hope you can find comfort from the fact that you were able to tell your husband you loved him before he passed.You're absolutely right - every single minute, and every single person, is precious and we need to make the most of the time that we're all given. Take good care of yourself as you go through the grieving process. Pat

March 11, 2010 - 6:20pm

I'm updating this Blog. If any of you women have had the same problem with your husband please get him to talk to you about what's going on. Maybe he has some health problem that he refuses to get checked out. My husband just passed on March 09. He had a massive heart attack. It was sudden. He had to go for training for the Tactical Squad for the prison where he worked on Sunday. I had no idea when I kissed him, hugged him good-bye and told him I loved him that would be the last time I would see him take a breath.

March 11, 2010 - 5:49pm

I just freaked out a little bit tonight and cried uncontrollably, which is very unlike me. I am usually even tempered and easy going. It's been almost a year and a half since my husband and I have had sex. There is a big age difference between us, but there are no physical problems involved. He's not having an affair and he doesn't seem to like porn either. We've never been really active in the bedroom, but I'm feeling really alone and my self esteem is terrible when it comes to sexuality. My husband is the only man I've slept with and I think I'm fairly open minded to trying new things. My husband just doesn't find me attractive. When we met, I was very heavy and have since lost 100 pounds! Even then the sex didn't really pick up, so I gained some weight back and am losing it again. He even once told me taht he didn't want me to go to visit his parents because of the way I looked. Yeah, I'm a normal sized person, but I am not a troll by any means. I hate that my esteem seems to be tied to the concept that if I'm not a stick figure that I am unworthy of being a sexual creature. Other than this, we have a great marriage, but I have to wonder if I can live my life without that intimacy from another human being. I usually don't think about this issue - I push it down into myself and ignore it. But it very obviously surfaced today along with a lot of hurt and confusion. It is such a comfort to have found this site and to understand that others are dealing with the same issues. I am too ashamed to talk about the problem with girlfriends or family. I think the best course of action for me is to continue to work on bettering myself for ME and take it day by day.

March 10, 2010 - 11:23pm
EmpowHER Guest

I'm still willing to bet, along with my boyfriend's opinion, that is definitely has SOME outlet, probably internet porn. Any man I've ever know who is in his prime, wants a lot of sex and nowadays, more and more men are becoming perfectly satisfied and even much happier with all the ease and variety they get on line. I would be willing to put my savings on the fact that he is not just asexual but is having lots of sex with Madam Palm and her 4 daughters on a regular basis. Have you asked him this?
If it is indeed true, ask him to quit looking at porn for a month and see what happens. If he is addicted, he probably won't be able to go without and will need councelling, if not, you may see your sex life improve!
I just know form experience, when I met my husband, I would cry night after nigth because he wouldn't have sex with me and finally found out that he was looking at porn every night and wanted to wnat me but couldn't as he was only able to be turned on by all the variety and extremeness of porn. He quit it eventually, after a huge struggle and now we have great sex as we focus our desire on each other and it works so well! Andmost men USE sex as a stress reliever, he almost always feels liek it now. There is nothing normal about a straight man who wants sex only once a month. Sorry, but I know this from experience. Many men now get addicted to the internet and all it's "charms" and sex with a "real" woman seems boring to them and a bit of a chore unless they stop with the porn and focus on you completely. Ask him and let us know what he says. My only other thought is that he may be gay.

March 10, 2010 - 11:34am
EmpowHER Guest

Well my husband and I will be celebrating our 2 year anniversary in just a few weeks. I feel like I need to stop this anniversary from happening because it will mark 2 years of begging to be loved intimately and being turned down over and over again.
I was raised in a small town, had a sheltered life and was a virgin when we married - his youth was the polar opposite from me, and had been married twice before. On our wedding night the marriage was consummated and then when I asked to make love again a few days later, was refused. We have had some open, frank, conversations about sex (and I have done alot of reading on how to please my partner) he assures me that, though things were a bit awkward at first, our sex life is as good as some of the better experiences he has had. Only problem is, we only have sex about once a month. I have tried everything I can think of to make it more often - without success. He refuses to go to counselling with me or see a Dr about possible reasons for our problem. In both instances he says there is nothing wrong with him.
This has left me feeling completely unloved and undesired. To make matters worse, he is extremely affectionate to me in front of family and friends, they all think we have the greatest of marriages. Then we go home and I cry myself to sleep.
Every time I bring it up he tells me that he is very normal and that I should be happy we are having sex as often as we are, that many couples only have sex once a year. I usually persist trying to convince him to make love to me more often then we end up fighting and then I am crying and apologizing for asking for sex, and for all the other things I do that are apparently wrong about me. Fights like this leave me broken hearted, depressed and self-hating. After a few days of forcing myself to get up and go to work, make meals etc. he makes some kind of comment about how if he makes me so miserable, he says he never wanted me to be miserable so, he should leave. The I am apologizing again, begging him to stay and forcing myself to smile and look happy on the outside - even though my heart is aching on the inside.
I do love my husband very much, and aside from this, we do have a pretty good marriage. Am I being unreasonable? Should I stop asking?

March 8, 2010 - 11:26pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Sweety, you need to stop wanting sex so badly. You're with a man who doesn't have a very high sex drive and he might not like sex as much as you do. He's been through TWO marriages you say, so that means he's had two other women that he's slept with over and over again. It might just get boring to him.

Right now I am in Canada with my boyfriend and because I don't have free health care, we have to be very careful with sex. We use an ovulation calendar, because he hates condoms and we only get to have sex for 4 maybe 5 days the most a month. And you know what?

I am perfectly happy!!!
Look, when a man is sleeping with a woman everyday, it's because he wants her for sex, not because he wants her to love and to share a life with. You have to stop putting love and sex together. All women do it! It's a bad little habit that you should just totally rid yourself of. I used to cry myself to sleep every night, thinking that I was hideous and fat and worthless.

Well after I stopped worrying and after I stopped bringing it up and when I started LIVING my life and letting go of all the insecurities, that's when the problem was gone.
Even if we can't do it EVERY SINGLE NIGHT he's driven mad by the time that we can have sex comes!! So maybe once a month, or once every few weeks is better.

Let me tell you, when you haven't done it in a while and then you get it on, it feels SO MUCH MORE AMAZING. So stop looking at it as a negative thing and let it go. Men are attracted to confidence, remember that! We all need to remember that. You don't have to have the body of a goddess, he wouldn't be with you if he didn't LOVE you.

I hope this helps :)

July 9, 2010 - 10:52pm
(reply to Anonymous)

If you have had the same problem with your husband please get him to talk to you about what's going on. Maybe he has some health problem that he refuses to get checked out. My husband just passed on March 09. He had a massive heart attack. It was sudden. It was a great shock to me and everyone else. He appeared to be in perfect health except for having Emphysema.
He had to go for training for the Tactical Squad for the prison where he worked on Sunday. He passed away on Tuesday during PT.
I had no idea when I kissed him, hugged him good-bye and told him I loved him that would be the last time I would see him take a breath."
We were getting along great and had been for a long time. I had decided that I married him for better and for worse. I decided I loved him enough to deal with any issue that came about. I was thinking one day and I thought, "I didn't marry him to have sex. I married him because I loved him and wanted to be with him." I reached the point that if we made love it was great but if we didn't it would happen when he was ready. Who was I to "demand" sex? If it had been a situation whereas the woman didn't want to have sex everyone would be saying," It's your body and you have a right to say no." I came to a realization that there was no difference. I knew he loved me and that was all that mattered.
Just treasure what you have and try to be patient.

March 12, 2010 - 8:52am
(reply to Anonymous)


You are not being unreasonable. It sounds to me that you are a very loving and thoughtful spouse who feels left out in the dark and isn't sure why.

Some couples may, indeed, have sex only once a year. Others may have sex twice a day. The frequency doesn't matter nearly so much as whether the two partners involved are happy with it. Your husband is apparently happy with once a month, and you aren't. And since you are still pretty much newlyweds (2 years is not that long), I think that in the long run, you're going to be the one who has to decide whether this is enough for you.

It is clear that he doesn't want to change. Can you live the rest of your life in this kind of a marriage?

Have you considered getting some counseling for yourself? I ask because it's clear to me that he's trying to make you responsible for anything that goes wrong in the marriage, whether it's your fault or his. When you are crying and asking for sex, you are vulnerable and open, and yet he isn't respecting you. If you are begging him to stay, that's not a good situation. And if you are making yourself appear happy when you are broken-hearted inside, something is deeply wrong. A counselor would give you a chance to air all this out, in private, and help you figure out how you feel.

Your feelings here are important, they are truthful, and they are worth exploring. If your husband won't do that with you, please consider seeing someone who will. Might this be a possibility?

March 10, 2010 - 9:56am
EmpowHER Guest

Just reaching out to an "unknown third party". When I met my beau we made love every night. He had a seasonal job and was off work. I was working and many times I was so tired from the job but if he approached me, I was always delightfully accommodating. Later on in our relationship, I was laid off from my job. He began to look for ways to bring in a second income to balance out our finances. Although, I was home everyday I began noticing that our lovemaking went from two times a week to every three weeks. I brought it to his attention and he explained that he was overwhelm with trying to find jobs to bring in more money to the household. He did finally find some work situations that bring us more money and now I've noticed that almost a month has gone by and he has not approached me sexually.

I don't believe that he is having an affair because he is home with me all the time. I do feel that he loves me. We have fun together and hold each other when we go to bed but no sex. True I could approach him but I did once and he just moved my hand and after me telling him off. I promised him that I would never again approach him.

He use to have a hard time communicating his feelings to me but he has gotten so much better. He is a very caring person and treats me wonderfully otherwise. We live in Los Angeles and he is a bodybuilder and women go crazy over him. He doesn't seem to pay attention to ladies who flirt with him. He cooks and cleans with me and except for this lack of sex we compliment each other.

I feel so unwanted and I am actually very attractive, intelligent, fun and confident but this is really causing me to feel unbalanced and I am thinking about breaking off the relationship after 4 years.

I have read the comments and your advice and I would love your opinion.

Thank you for your time and honesty.

March 6, 2010 - 11:49am
EmpowHER Guest

Update from above post:
I should add that out of the 3 months, I was "broken" for 3 1/2 weeks because of a poor reaction to the pill ( uncontrollable bleeding)..
And, we abstained prior to marriage ( but did push the evelope now and then :)..he did seem to desire me, flirted more and was more physically available to me then..

February 23, 2010 - 2:07pm
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