Why Doesn't my boyfriend want to have sex with me anymore?

Hmm...I realize while we all have seemingly similar problems, there are situations where the problem is not about the sex at all. It's the relationship that is the trouble. Yes, sometimes people get too mired into an unhealthy relationship, that they can't even see the problem, that is so obvious to outside lookers. When we are unhealthy, we attract unhealthy lovers so it's just a vicious cycle. I agree with Texasgirl...looks like she's gone through some hoops in life and come out victorious so she knows what she's talking about. Interestingly enough, the book she mentioned Women Who Love Too Much, came into my path a few days after having found this empowher site. I call it divine intervention, the universe is trying to give me a hint. It practically jumped out at me at a bookstore. It was whispering to me...Here I am, read me read me. But I would venture to bet that a lot of women can easily fall into that trap of caring and loving too much in an unhealthy pattern, because as the female species, it's ingrained in us to be the caretaker. We are just brought up that way...it's in our blood. But it can really take that to the upmost level that becomes so detrimental to ourselves. I believe there are women who love too much support groups out there...
As for men who are having problems adjustting to their woman after having babies...I don't know what to say...maybe other women who's had babies can help this girl out who had a question...
Men are so fragile sometimes...they are as if they are little boys...it's very frustrating...just hearing stories about it...I know because I've had girlfriends who's had babies, and the men just appear to be in "shock" and don't know what to do...They try to escape, they get depressed, they don't participate in helping out with the newborn...it leaves the woman feeling all alone and raising the kid on her own! Friggin pathetic. I feel for the women in that position. They should have pre-baby 101 classes for men so they know what to expect and what they are signing in for...

hiiyaa....my boyfriend doesnt seem to want sex anymore biengs tht we use to do it all the time or even he always use to beg for it buh laterly after having a baby he makes up excuses like his tooo tired or he cant be bovard but yet can stay up late on the nite :-s i really dont understand why he would change but its making me feel asif im not attractive to him anymore as my body has changed after having my son? or i keep finking his cheating but i really dont know what to do or what to think..please some one help me :( xx

This is to the last anonymous post. I know that a lot of times people ask for advice because they truly want it to get better (on the one hand) but then they also want to hear what is easier to do or basically what they want to hear (on the other hand). I am not going to even going to begin to preach at you or tell you to do something ~ you HAVE to be the one to make those calls. I have been in several relationships through the years where I stayed in it because it hurt. I know that sounds crazy but let me try to explain...

I learned early on (growing up) that love was pain. The people responsible for giving me love, shifted between love and pain. They said or did things to hurt, confuse or scare you ... and then were reaching out a hand and saying they loved you. It was hot and cold hot and cold... on and on. You start to relate love to being something that hurts. So as a grown up, without consciously THINKING it... you will choose relationships, again and again, that yield that type of roller coaster kind of feeling.

When I would be in a "normal" relationship, where a guy would treat me too nicely - there was not any drama to speak of, etc. It was uncomfortable to me and I felt uneasy and bored with them. I didn't know that was what was going on, at all. It didn't start occuring to me until much later. At some point I had to own up to the fact that - while I kept "finding" these jerks...like a magnet or something. The common denominator in all of those scenerios ~ WAS ME! I was tired of never getting the "great" guy that alot of my friends would have... I was tired of always being on this drama filled roller coaster life.
At some point I had to really dig in and figure out... what put into my head the idea that I don't deserve peace and security and companionship, that is constant and unwaivering?
You might ask yourself... who, while you were growing up - what caregiver did you have (possibly) that you felt like you had to EARN their love, that maybe you felt you just never quite measured up? Not saying that is the case, but in talking to so many friends/co-workers, etc. over the years... this is a common thread amongst women who leave and get suckered back... all the while knowing they shouldn't.

I read a really great book once and have recommended it to several friends (including my older sister) and it had a great impact on me (as well as them). It's called - Women Who Love Too Much, by Robin Norwood. You can get it in paperback... If you think you might want to start working on YOU - forget fixing him!! Go and check it out. I think you will like it!
In closing, NO MAN with any amount of respect for you, would ever dare to tell you they desire sleeping with any other woman. That is just insultingly SH*TTY!
Also, you asked why does he beg you back? Why does he want to be with you but treat you so badly? I have found in my experience, the reason for that is because... Why would he give you up, he can get away with anything with you. Men like that (believe me I could give you names of some of mine) seek out women with undealt with emotional pain. They start out testing you little by little and then before you know it... It becomes what you are stuck in. I know that you feel like you love him. But honestly, the possibility is GREAT, that you love the painful love that relationship offers... Ok sorry, I had to get that off my chest... :-)

Hope I was too - Psychoanalytical with you :-) and I hope that some of what I wrote might have helped you! You DESERVE to be treated well!!!

Wow it is amazing reading everyones comments about relationships - I have had a very rocky relationship with my BF over the last 2 years - we tried counselling and it worked for a bit (the problems I had were him spending ALL his time on his computer and ignoring me, chatting up and meeting other chicks behind my back, staying up until all hours of the morning and not coming to bed with me etc) I feel that he is not the guy for me, but at times I still really love him and I cant leave him caus sometimes I think what if I am the one with the problem? Am I expecting to much, am I being to greedy and possessive? And I dont know and I dont want to make a mistake. The latest is I had a friend over and he told me he wanted to sleep with her - on one hand at least he was honest - but on the other I now feel really really horrible as a person and GF. I am at a loss as to how to react or think or feel - anyones help on how they got through a similar situation would be appreciated..I have many times wondered why he even wants to be with me - hes computer is so much more important and where he wants to be - so what is the point of me? I have broken up with him multiple times but he always talks me into staying with him - and I dont understand why he does this, why doesnt he just let me go, why doesnt he make time for me and him, why does he want to be with me and says he loves me but then says he wants to sleep with someone else?

Oh man....
I can't even put into words how blown away I am that so many women are having this issue, all in slightly different ways, but still. Indeed I agree that discussing this online and not with friends seems the best thing to do. I should've done it sooner, except I trusted that if I spoke to my friends that they would be able to offer advice. I heard the same thing you've all heard, "get a new boyfriend", or "that's not normal", and considering I've been with him for almost 8 years (unmarried, not going to go into that...that's a whole 'nother post, nothing against marriage, I fully support all my married friends and the role it plays in society), they see me as a helpless victim, what they don't understand is that I do love him, and I know he loves me but I have been torn between whether or not I can remain with someone I am not sexually compatible with, frankly, it seems a bit too late for me to ask this of myself or to even make a move, I am already disillusioned by sex and I have lost the desire to even have it. Putting aside the intimacy...I don't even care for orgasms anymore.
The weirdest thing about it is that I have come into my own, I feel confident, sexy, intelligent, etc., but I am sick of initiating, not out of self-consciousness, but because why do I have to be the one to want it?! This is not a question of being unattractive, unless A cups really bother men like that (but I've never had a problem really, the beauty of men is that they like variety and all females, big or small, can find someone to love them)...so what is it? Am I not his type and he just doesn't realize?
If I can say anything here is that the lump that formed in my throat reading all these comments could easily have been avoided, if I'd realized years ago (before I'd poured more than all my heart and soul into this relationship), that the sexual incompatibility was going to come back to bite me in the ass, I would've made the move to move on, before my sexual will was broken. So ladies, those of you who are in relationships less than a year and dealing with this, unless you really think he's the one for you, get the H-E-double-hockey-sticks out. Yes, the dating pool is polluted but sooner or later, I would've had the chance to be with someone who I loved emotionally and had a healthy sexual relationship with. I get that 8 years into a relationship that I might be expecting too much to be having regular sex (but 3 times a year? really? and it always feels like an obligation?), but I haven't borne any children (i say this because of all the posts of new mothers/mothers in general to state that I am not in the post-baby situation, not that I find anything wrong with kids...just clarifying) and if anything, I get better with age (cos good women age like wine)...so what gives?
My question is to people who've been through this and come out on the other side, or haven't. Is it worth it to break something that's taken 8 years to build because of sex? And if I do, considering my viewpoint on passion and intimacy now (basically just not inclined to either), do I even have the psychological capability to bounce back? Did you bounce back? Or did you become a recluse in terms of love?
It's ridiculous for me to even question this now, this is not a new event, I obviously made the decision to deal with it years ago, but I, like so many others, had the same responses from him if I brought it up. People say to ask for what you want...not in this situation, honey, stuff is just too complex (and sexy lingerie, tried that, and yes, it definitely doesn't work to fix anything, waste of money unless you're going into the sex industry. Goddamn if Frederick's of Hollywood doesn't cash in on broken hopes every day). I'm just realizing now, reading this, that who I am was fundamentally different from him sexually from the start and no amount of avoiding it or attempting to carry on as is has given me any peace, despite the fact that we are a loving couple. (Dinners at home, check, finding each others flaws endearing, check, finding each other attractive, check, supporting each other and actually feeling proud for each other's accomplishments, check....so wtf...).
What I see, clear as day, are all the old adages that I chose to ignore or thought I had taken care of. Know thyself...now I do...8 years is a lot of personal growth time, with or without someone. Know how to be happy alone, well crap, I'm ecstatic, not even jokingly, I love my time alone. But I also love my time with him, and it would be nice to be able to, once in a while, manifest the emotional connection we have as a physical one and not have it feel like an obligation.
Frankly, I'm at my wits end and I'm about to take Hamlet's advice even though it wasn't directed towards me.
Where's the nearest nunnery? Route 6 and a left by the red barn with the tin roof?
Thanks.

You have a scowl on your face and the air is tense and thick, he can almost read your mind: I want sex! Give it to me!!! Yah that will make him hot and heavy for you and jump your pants. Bravo! (clap, clap) Your feminine sensibility and instincts are really working in your favor.

Not. (Need I say it?)

Of course I can be just full of b.s. The above is my own view. You should make up your own mind and not listen to anybody but your innervoice. Don’t let other people brainwash you, or run your life for you, make you feel brainless, not even me. Make your own decisions. You’ll feel better for it.

This is what we have to look forward to at these times...more work, more stress, less money, less jobs, no job, less sex, or no sex, stressed about not having enough sex or not having sex at all, makes us more stressed and makes our men more stressed, it's a vicious cycle!
Why not let's just all lighten up a little and be more understanding, in fact, a little more extra understanding, let it go, let the problem go...take a class that puts that frustrated sexual energy into something creative doing something physical with your body (hahah I don't mean sleeping with other men!), like martial arts or, dare I say it, yoga (I'm not a yoga person at all, but that's what people always say to me, try yoga, take yoga.), get a massage, treat your man to a professional massage, just make sure send him to a "professional" okay? Maybe even get a professional massage together in the same room, they do that kind of thing, you know? It will cost money of course. But it's so worth it. Or do something creative like writing or drawing or painting, or play an instrument, if that's your cup of tea. Go for a walk together, or by yourself, hike with a group in a hiking club, breathe in fresh air, drag your man with you, don't forget his hiking boots...get the blood flowing, and the energy flowing. But just let go...relax...don't think too much about it. Thinking too much kills sex. Sex is a destressor, ya? It's supposed to be fun and relaxing, ya? So why are we stressing about it?

It's only natural that sex is hot and constant in the beginning stages of a relationship, and overtime it dwindles both in quality and quantity. Sometimes sex wasn't that hot in the beginning but it was just okay, and I don't think anything is wrong with that, as long as you love each other and get along and are the best of friends. I think sometimes we expect a lot from ourselves because of what we see in the media. I mean look at every movies (at least I'm talking about American movies). Everything has sex in it because sex sells. But we are not stupid enough to realize that most of these are unrealistic, or are we? Sex is over hyped. I think most of the problem talked about here is sexual incompatibility- which can be remedied by communication, compromise and coming to a middle ground that is workable for both parties. I think we expect things to be easy. Well it is not. Sooner or later, when we realize it is not easy, we just give up and not try. It takes hard work, but nothing in life that's worth going for is ever easy.
To the poster who asked to hear from men's views...HAHAHAH are you kidding me? If a man will answer, then us women won't be having these problems. They're not gonna open their mouths! For all we know, they don't have a clue to what's going on inside themselves either. All I can think of is there is something the government put in the air making them not sexual...GOTCHA! just kidding. All I can think of is they are not feeling good about themselves, about something...money, work, their life goals. I mean think about it girls, if you are not feeling good about yourselves, would you have sex? Well, maybe that's a wrong question to ask. Afterall men are a little bit different than us...they are like martials that we have to decode to understand. All I can advise to the women here is to do a self-course study of men and study men, learn what makes them tick. Afterall to be able to live with them, and love them you have to understand them. However, in that process, don't forget yourselves...You have to keep doing what you enjoy doing and not neglect your own life. Oh, and one last thing...no more forcing and nagging your man to have sex with you...I don't think it's gonna work...would you have sex if someone forces you to? I didn't think so...