This is to the last anonymous post. I know that a lot of times people ask for advice because they truly want it to get better (on the one hand) but then they also want to hear what is easier to do or basically what they want to hear (on the other hand). I am not going to even going to begin to preach at you or tell you to do something ~ you HAVE to be the one to make those calls. I have been in several relationships through the years where I stayed in it because it hurt. I know that sounds crazy but let me try to explain...
I learned early on (growing up) that love was pain. The people responsible for giving me love, shifted between love and pain. They said or did things to hurt, confuse or scare you ... and then were reaching out a hand and saying they loved you. It was hot and cold hot and cold... on and on. You start to relate love to being something that hurts. So as a grown up, without consciously THINKING it... you will choose relationships, again and again, that yield that type of roller coaster kind of feeling.
When I would be in a "normal" relationship, where a guy would treat me too nicely - there was not any drama to speak of, etc. It was uncomfortable to me and I felt uneasy and bored with them. I didn't know that was what was going on, at all. It didn't start occuring to me until much later. At some point I had to own up to the fact that - while I kept "finding" these jerks...like a magnet or something. The common denominator in all of those scenerios ~ WAS ME! I was tired of never getting the "great" guy that alot of my friends would have... I was tired of always being on this drama filled roller coaster life.
At some point I had to really dig in and figure out... what put into my head the idea that I don't deserve peace and security and companionship, that is constant and unwaivering?
You might ask yourself... who, while you were growing up - what caregiver did you have (possibly) that you felt like you had to EARN their love, that maybe you felt you just never quite measured up? Not saying that is the case, but in talking to so many friends/co-workers, etc. over the years... this is a common thread amongst women who leave and get suckered back... all the while knowing they shouldn't.
I read a really great book once and have recommended it to several friends (including my older sister) and it had a great impact on me (as well as them). It's called - Women Who Love Too Much, by Robin Norwood. You can get it in paperback... If you think you might want to start working on YOU - forget fixing him!! Go and check it out. I think you will like it!
In closing, NO MAN with any amount of respect for you, would ever dare to tell you they desire sleeping with any other woman. That is just insultingly SH*TTY!
Also, you asked why does he beg you back? Why does he want to be with you but treat you so badly? I have found in my experience, the reason for that is because... Why would he give you up, he can get away with anything with you. Men like that (believe me I could give you names of some of mine) seek out women with undealt with emotional pain. They start out testing you little by little and then before you know it... It becomes what you are stuck in. I know that you feel like you love him. But honestly, the possibility is GREAT, that you love the painful love that relationship offers... Ok sorry, I had to get that off my chest... :-)
Hope I was too - Psychoanalytical with you :-) and I hope that some of what I wrote might have helped you! You DESERVE to be treated well!!!
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This is to the last anonymous post. I know that a lot of times people ask for advice because they truly want it to get better (on the one hand) but then they also want to hear what is easier to do or basically what they want to hear (on the other hand). I am not going to even going to begin to preach at you or tell you to do something ~ you HAVE to be the one to make those calls. I have been in several relationships through the years where I stayed in it because it hurt. I know that sounds crazy but let me try to explain...
I learned early on (growing up) that love was pain. The people responsible for giving me love, shifted between love and pain. They said or did things to hurt, confuse or scare you ... and then were reaching out a hand and saying they loved you. It was hot and cold hot and cold... on and on. You start to relate love to being something that hurts. So as a grown up, without consciously THINKING it... you will choose relationships, again and again, that yield that type of roller coaster kind of feeling.
When I would be in a "normal" relationship, where a guy would treat me too nicely - there was not any drama to speak of, etc. It was uncomfortable to me and I felt uneasy and bored with them. I didn't know that was what was going on, at all. It didn't start occuring to me until much later. At some point I had to own up to the fact that - while I kept "finding" these jerks...like a magnet or something. The common denominator in all of those scenerios ~ WAS ME! I was tired of never getting the "great" guy that alot of my friends would have... I was tired of always being on this drama filled roller coaster life.
At some point I had to really dig in and figure out... what put into my head the idea that I don't deserve peace and security and companionship, that is constant and unwaivering?
You might ask yourself... who, while you were growing up - what caregiver did you have (possibly) that you felt like you had to EARN their love, that maybe you felt you just never quite measured up? Not saying that is the case, but in talking to so many friends/co-workers, etc. over the years... this is a common thread amongst women who leave and get suckered back... all the while knowing they shouldn't.
I read a really great book once and have recommended it to several friends (including my older sister) and it had a great impact on me (as well as them). It's called - Women Who Love Too Much, by Robin Norwood. You can get it in paperback... If you think you might want to start working on YOU - forget fixing him!! Go and check it out. I think you will like it!
In closing, NO MAN with any amount of respect for you, would ever dare to tell you they desire sleeping with any other woman. That is just insultingly SH*TTY!
Also, you asked why does he beg you back? Why does he want to be with you but treat you so badly? I have found in my experience, the reason for that is because... Why would he give you up, he can get away with anything with you. Men like that (believe me I could give you names of some of mine) seek out women with undealt with emotional pain. They start out testing you little by little and then before you know it... It becomes what you are stuck in. I know that you feel like you love him. But honestly, the possibility is GREAT, that you love the painful love that relationship offers... Ok sorry, I had to get that off my chest... :-)
Hope I was too - Psychoanalytical with you :-) and I hope that some of what I wrote might have helped you! You DESERVE to be treated well!!!
August 14, 2009 - 12:36amThis Comment
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