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Anonymous
Oh man....
I can't even put into words how blown away I am that so many women are having this issue, all in slightly different ways, but still. Indeed I agree that discussing this online and not with friends seems the best thing to do. I should've done it sooner, except I trusted that if I spoke to my friends that they would be able to offer advice. I heard the same thing you've all heard, "get a new boyfriend", or "that's not normal", and considering I've been with him for almost 8 years (unmarried, not going to go into that...that's a whole 'nother post, nothing against marriage, I fully support all my married friends and the role it plays in society), they see me as a helpless victim, what they don't understand is that I do love him, and I know he loves me but I have been torn between whether or not I can remain with someone I am not sexually compatible with, frankly, it seems a bit too late for me to ask this of myself or to even make a move, I am already disillusioned by sex and I have lost the desire to even have it. Putting aside the intimacy...I don't even care for orgasms anymore.
The weirdest thing about it is that I have come into my own, I feel confident, sexy, intelligent, etc., but I am sick of initiating, not out of self-consciousness, but because why do I have to be the one to want it?! This is not a question of being unattractive, unless A cups really bother men like that (but I've never had a problem really, the beauty of men is that they like variety and all females, big or small, can find someone to love them)...so what is it? Am I not his type and he just doesn't realize?
If I can say anything here is that the lump that formed in my throat reading all these comments could easily have been avoided, if I'd realized years ago (before I'd poured more than all my heart and soul into this relationship), that the sexual incompatibility was going to come back to bite me in the ass, I would've made the move to move on, before my sexual will was broken. So ladies, those of you who are in relationships less than a year and dealing with this, unless you really think he's the one for you, get the H-E-double-hockey-sticks out. Yes, the dating pool is polluted but sooner or later, I would've had the chance to be with someone who I loved emotionally and had a healthy sexual relationship with. I get that 8 years into a relationship that I might be expecting too much to be having regular sex (but 3 times a year? really? and it always feels like an obligation?), but I haven't borne any children (i say this because of all the posts of new mothers/mothers in general to state that I am not in the post-baby situation, not that I find anything wrong with kids...just clarifying) and if anything, I get better with age (cos good women age like wine)...so what gives?
My question is to people who've been through this and come out on the other side, or haven't. Is it worth it to break something that's taken 8 years to build because of sex? And if I do, considering my viewpoint on passion and intimacy now (basically just not inclined to either), do I even have the psychological capability to bounce back? Did you bounce back? Or did you become a recluse in terms of love?
It's ridiculous for me to even question this now, this is not a new event, I obviously made the decision to deal with it years ago, but I, like so many others, had the same responses from him if I brought it up. People say to ask for what you want...not in this situation, honey, stuff is just too complex (and sexy lingerie, tried that, and yes, it definitely doesn't work to fix anything, waste of money unless you're going into the sex industry. Goddamn if Frederick's of Hollywood doesn't cash in on broken hopes every day). I'm just realizing now, reading this, that who I am was fundamentally different from him sexually from the start and no amount of avoiding it or attempting to carry on as is has given me any peace, despite the fact that we are a loving couple. (Dinners at home, check, finding each others flaws endearing, check, finding each other attractive, check, supporting each other and actually feeling proud for each other's accomplishments, check....so wtf...).
What I see, clear as day, are all the old adages that I chose to ignore or thought I had taken care of. Know thyself...now I do...8 years is a lot of personal growth time, with or without someone. Know how to be happy alone, well crap, I'm ecstatic, not even jokingly, I love my time alone. But I also love my time with him, and it would be nice to be able to, once in a while, manifest the emotional connection we have as a physical one and not have it feel like an obligation.
Frankly, I'm at my wits end and I'm about to take Hamlet's advice even though it wasn't directed towards me.
Where's the nearest nunnery? Route 6 and a left by the red barn with the tin roof?
Thanks.
Comment Reply
Oh man....
August 12, 2009 - 10:39pmI can't even put into words how blown away I am that so many women are having this issue, all in slightly different ways, but still. Indeed I agree that discussing this online and not with friends seems the best thing to do. I should've done it sooner, except I trusted that if I spoke to my friends that they would be able to offer advice. I heard the same thing you've all heard, "get a new boyfriend", or "that's not normal", and considering I've been with him for almost 8 years (unmarried, not going to go into that...that's a whole 'nother post, nothing against marriage, I fully support all my married friends and the role it plays in society), they see me as a helpless victim, what they don't understand is that I do love him, and I know he loves me but I have been torn between whether or not I can remain with someone I am not sexually compatible with, frankly, it seems a bit too late for me to ask this of myself or to even make a move, I am already disillusioned by sex and I have lost the desire to even have it. Putting aside the intimacy...I don't even care for orgasms anymore.
The weirdest thing about it is that I have come into my own, I feel confident, sexy, intelligent, etc., but I am sick of initiating, not out of self-consciousness, but because why do I have to be the one to want it?! This is not a question of being unattractive, unless A cups really bother men like that (but I've never had a problem really, the beauty of men is that they like variety and all females, big or small, can find someone to love them)...so what is it? Am I not his type and he just doesn't realize?
If I can say anything here is that the lump that formed in my throat reading all these comments could easily have been avoided, if I'd realized years ago (before I'd poured more than all my heart and soul into this relationship), that the sexual incompatibility was going to come back to bite me in the ass, I would've made the move to move on, before my sexual will was broken. So ladies, those of you who are in relationships less than a year and dealing with this, unless you really think he's the one for you, get the H-E-double-hockey-sticks out. Yes, the dating pool is polluted but sooner or later, I would've had the chance to be with someone who I loved emotionally and had a healthy sexual relationship with. I get that 8 years into a relationship that I might be expecting too much to be having regular sex (but 3 times a year? really? and it always feels like an obligation?), but I haven't borne any children (i say this because of all the posts of new mothers/mothers in general to state that I am not in the post-baby situation, not that I find anything wrong with kids...just clarifying) and if anything, I get better with age (cos good women age like wine)...so what gives?
My question is to people who've been through this and come out on the other side, or haven't. Is it worth it to break something that's taken 8 years to build because of sex? And if I do, considering my viewpoint on passion and intimacy now (basically just not inclined to either), do I even have the psychological capability to bounce back? Did you bounce back? Or did you become a recluse in terms of love?
It's ridiculous for me to even question this now, this is not a new event, I obviously made the decision to deal with it years ago, but I, like so many others, had the same responses from him if I brought it up. People say to ask for what you want...not in this situation, honey, stuff is just too complex (and sexy lingerie, tried that, and yes, it definitely doesn't work to fix anything, waste of money unless you're going into the sex industry. Goddamn if Frederick's of Hollywood doesn't cash in on broken hopes every day). I'm just realizing now, reading this, that who I am was fundamentally different from him sexually from the start and no amount of avoiding it or attempting to carry on as is has given me any peace, despite the fact that we are a loving couple. (Dinners at home, check, finding each others flaws endearing, check, finding each other attractive, check, supporting each other and actually feeling proud for each other's accomplishments, check....so wtf...).
What I see, clear as day, are all the old adages that I chose to ignore or thought I had taken care of. Know thyself...now I do...8 years is a lot of personal growth time, with or without someone. Know how to be happy alone, well crap, I'm ecstatic, not even jokingly, I love my time alone. But I also love my time with him, and it would be nice to be able to, once in a while, manifest the emotional connection we have as a physical one and not have it feel like an obligation.
Frankly, I'm at my wits end and I'm about to take Hamlet's advice even though it wasn't directed towards me.
Where's the nearest nunnery? Route 6 and a left by the red barn with the tin roof?
Thanks.
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