Living with and possibly leaving a sick spouse - a heartfelt story from a reader looking for advice

I am. You are not alone in your feelings. I had my 40 y/o husband served with divorce papers a week or so before he was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer in April 2008. I made the decision to stay to help him make happy memories with our boys (3 & 10); however, we are in the same place as you as far as the no working, mean and angry, pretty much only talks to me to let me know about when/where/how he threw up or to tell me what I need to do or what I have done wrong, I work over 40 hours a week and just took on a Saturday job, no intimacy AT ALL, he does not one single thing to help with the house or kids, etc. Just because someone gets sick or has declining health doesn't mean they are just going to change into a nice person. My husband's prognosis was about one year, with chemo. We are approaching the year point and school will be ending again in May and if he were to somehow make this miraculous recovery and had several years left I WOULD LEAVE NOW. When your own emotional and mental (and often physical) health are compromised you cannot take care of yourself (or your children, if you have them). It is a sad thing, but you can't allow someone to bring you down. Because of this experience I doubt that I will ever be in a serious relationship with a man ever again because I would never want to be a caregiver ever ever again - it is truly no way to live.

This a sad situation and one that is hard to understand as to what so do when these basic rules are in conflict, to be a wife, to be a person who can function and feel loved. When those are in conflict the stress is very high.My reaction is to have compassion for yourself and understand that is not selfish. Compassion for your husband who is suffering from the many complications of his illness plus his own personal
world view.
There are so many wonderful suggestions offered here, I would support you in your effort to accept the love and wisdom offered and trust that in this process you shall cultivate the information and wisdom you need. With EmpowHer, you need never stand alone.

I am also very touched by these stories. WOW

It is amazing how powerful women can be. I commend everyone. It appears you obtained a lot of great information. All I want to add is....you are a very strong woman, no matter your future choice.

We all make hard judgment calls in our lives but we make the choices that we do for a reason. There is always support for either choice. I am very sorry for your situation, you are certainly right that emotional is outweighed by the physical. When you don't receive either, it is certainly hurtful.

I wish you luck on your decision. We, at EmpowHer, can certainly help by being your support line.

I can't comment on a personal experience or come close to saying I know what these women are going through. But I can say that both of these stories have touched my heart and am glad they reached out and shared their stories with this community because if put in their situations I don't know what I would do. I think I would do my best to be there for my husband but if things got so bad that my own quality of life was at stake and he was angry, hateful and no longer respected his life then I would probably do what Anonymous did and leave him. Because one thing I have experienced is that you can't make someone love you or respect you when they can't love and respect themselves.

I guess I can answer your question "what kind of woman leaves a sick spouse?" because I am that woman. My ex-husband's illness is depression, although he has been in serious denial for a long time. I believe he's been suffering from it for many years, in retrospect, although I always thought I was the one with the problem. I thought that his anger, lashing out, yelling at our kids, clamming up (sometimes for weeks), and addiction to video games and porn, was because of something I did or didn't do. I took anti-depressants for years for what I thought was my problem. I was finally able to break free and reclaim my life before I lost myself entirely. And, believe me, it was not easy to peel myself away from a two-decade marriage while becoming self-sufficient. My self-esteem was so battered that some days I could not even leave the house. The thought of working full-time outside of the home terrified me. I started very gradually working part-time and some days I would have panic attacks in the car while driving to work because I was afraid that I would fail at my job. One of my very best friends could not understand why I wanted a divorce. She only saw the exterior, the facade of what our marriage appeared to be and might have been. She questioned me over and over again, trying to convince me to keep my family together for the sake of my kids. She had no idea of the isolation and devastating loneliness, or how close I had come to losing myself.

Obviously MS and depression are very different illnesses, however they can be equally destructive. My ex-husband refused to see a therapist, and by the time we finally went to a marriage counselor at the very end as a last ditch effort, it was too late for us. Ending my marriage was like desperately swimming up towards the surface of a deep, dark lake to reach air.

I really feel for you and the excruciating issues you are facing. But I'll attempt to answer your question. The kind of woman who leaves a sick spouse is one who is courageous.

What a heartbreaking situation for you. It is easy to see that you are struggling on so many levels; it's a very complicated question, and you're obviously very torn.

Your question, "What kind of person leaves an ill spouse?" is the heart of it, isn't it? We take the vows, "in health and in sickness, for better or for worse," and in some way that part even seems more solemn than the rest, because we are agreeing on the day of our marriage that we will not abandon our spouse in his or her time of need. I am sure they were even more poignant for you, since you knew he had MS at the time.

But there are deal-breakers. One answer to your question about who would think of leaving an ill spouse might be "Someone whose ill spouse is abusing them."

It sounds as though you are living in a situation filled with emotional abuse, and it makes everything more difficult. The question is, do you have to take that emotional abuse until your spouse dies?

Part of the answer depends on how you will feel in the future (in either case). If you honor the relationship regardless, if you stay and keep trying, will you feel as though you gave your all and can look back with no regrets? Or will you feel as though you made the wrong decision because you were immobilized?

Part of the answer is medical. It is not the physical challenges that are defeating you, it is the psychological challenges. Have you or the two of you spoken to his doctor about the severe changes in his personality? Could changes in medication be responsible for any of it, or possibly help with any of it?

Here is an article on the "MS Personality," which also discusses when a psychiatric evaluation might help and be in order:

http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qa3939/is_200008/ai_n8928332

Part of the answer lies in how alone you feel. Have you considered a support group for people who have family members with MS? Here's a site that helps patients and caregivers share their experiences:

http://www.healthcentral.com/multiple-sclerosis/connect.html

And a blogger who writes exclusively about MS caregiving:

http://www.mscaregiver.com/

and here's a page of blogs she's written over time about the need for the caregiver to take care of him or herself:

http://www.mscaregiver.com/category/caring-for-yourself/

and here's a page from the National MS Society that discusses MS and caregivers and offers resource lists:

http://www.nationalmssociety.org/living-with-multiple-sclerosis/relationships/caregivers/index.aspx

There is a magazine called Real Living with Multiple Sclerosis. I wish they had a website, but the magazine itself looks like it might be something you'd be interested in "on how to cope with the clinical and personal consequences of this disease." Here's a subscription link through Amazon:

http://www.amazon.com/Real-Living-With-Multiple-Sclerosis/dp/B0000C4CY1/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=magazines&qid=1231438351&sr=8-2

Bnet does reprint articles from the magazine; by clicking through the archives, you can find lots of different topics regarding the disease:

http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qa3939

I hope that we hear from others who have walked this path and can share their experiences. In the meantime, don't beat up on yourself. Try to decide what might help your situation -- some respite care? some more support? -- or whether your husband's lack of ability to be a good spouse to you is something you truly can't bear.

If you are at the end of your rope and are deciding to leave, perhaps offer an alternative: either separation or counseling.

You are in a tough position as an MS caregiver. Please take the time to figure out what you need for you, and then see if a first step occurs to you. If you need help finding an active support group, let us know where you are and we'll find you one. Until then, take care, and let us know how you're doing.