Living with and possibly leaving a sick spouse - a heartfelt story from a reader looking for advice

I wrote up above. My husband has MS and is abusive. I know what its like to be sad and depressed. However, as hard as it is I get up and go every day no matter how bad I want to stay in bed. I work two jobs (he has not worked in 11 years) and I excercise religiously. I could not be here without a release. I have chosen to be good to my body and help my mind as much as possible. I can't say that exercise solves my problems or erases my sadness, but it works wonders for my soul and helps keep me thinking as positive as I can.

I understand the woman above when she says that her spouse has been "good" for two weeks. My house runs like that. We live for the good days or weeks. Unfortunately, I have been doing this 11 years and they never last. But, I do live those moments to the fullest. However, my children don't remember the man I married. They only know the man he is today. They can't forgive or understand like I have conditioned myself to do. When my husband gets angry he doesnt have control over his actions; he slams doors, yells, swears, calls me names and the children hear him. He doesnt have the capacity to think before he speaks when he is enraged. He also doesn't care at the time if they hear. He also says mean things about them and sometimes to them. He acts crazy and totally out of control. He has been in counseling forever! We have tried couples counseling a little here and there. He also is totally in love with me. So, he swings from being super mean to practically idolizing me. It is hard to deal with to say the least. I put up with it because he was not like this before MS. He was my rock. Now he makes me crumble.

I don't talk about what I go through very often and if I do I only talk to one person or a therapist (I see a few times a year due to finances). So, I must say this has been a liberating experience. Thanks for givimg me a place to vent and share my life. It is very sad to hear other stories from people that are not happy with their life. But, this could be the tool to help us all, one way or another.
*In Seattle

I don't know which "job" has been the hardest for me (1) my past horrible traumatic life (2) the loss of my son (3) raising my daughter alone (4) my husband's ESRD diagnosis and "where my life is now". For me, my entire life has been hard. I still don't think I'm feeling sorry for myself, I check that all the time. Am I feeling sorry for myself just because I think of everything/everyone I've "lost" and feel crap? To me, that's not feeling sorry for myself, it's being honest with myself and facing myself and how I'm thinking/feeling. Can I "overdo" that? Maybe. I'm an analytical person by nature, so for me, it's normal. I'm in an "abnormal" situation, so I think it stands to reason (for me) to think about it a lot and have very strong feelings about it. I've had SO many people tell me I'm the strongest person they ever met. On the other hand, when I'm feeling depressed on a "down day" I don't feel strong at all. I think I have a dual-personality! I can be both, but the strong part always "wins" because I'm still here (in body and mind). I also learned I don't have to like the circumstances I'm in, but I also figured out that I better sort myself out about that ASAP or else I'm only going to continue feeling crap. I haven't been able to sort myself out yet because I haven't been able to decide whether or not I am going to be able to "accept" this situation or not (back to "analyzing", which is what I do). I can't/don't/won't make decisions in my life until I feel satisfied I've gathered all the "facts" and processed that within myself to a point where I feel I can make a decision that "I can live with", considering all the angles and consequences of any actions/choices/decisions I make. I've become extremely practical and logical and realistic. There is NO room for any bulls%&* anymore from anyone about anything at all. Something has to "make sense" in a situation where our entire life has been turned completely inside-out, upside-down, and totally "changed" due to his disease and now the "aftermath", of which I've been the one to have to deal with everything (of course, realizing he has his own part of it to deal with, having the disease). It's almost like I just can't BELIVE this has "happened to me", like how the he** did this happen?! Well, I KNOW how it happened and I've gone over so many scenarios in my mind and my thing is writing it all out in a journal (what works for me to sort things out). I've got SO many different feelings and thoughts to deal with and sort through and I know there just hasn't been enough time for me, nor do I know how all this is going to work/turn out either financially or emotionally or dynamically in this marriage. I read yesterday about the "for better or worse, richer or poorer, forsaking all others, in sickness and health, til death do us part, as long as ye both shall live"... MY GOD that is SO HARDCORE TO ME! But that is MY personal take on it as my husband and I just got married at age 50 only 3 years ago, hoping to "start a new life"... then the disease took over. We do not have children together. We haven't known each other all that long so I guess I don't feel some type of extreme passion/love/do or die type "in love" with him... I do not feel I "need" him or any other man (I learned that the hard way). He even told me himself (and I quote): "You don't deserve this. You've been through enough in your life already." Yet, here we are. I feel sometimes like I'm being punished, sometimes "tested", sometimes tortured, sometimes in prison, stuck, trapped, etc. He lets me "talk to him" now, but not about "us", only about either the money situation and how we're going to be able to keep the house or not, or maybe about how my daughter's doing with her new baby and she's living with us and how taht's going to go because now I can't help her out with the baby because of his disease and how it's affected our life. I am trying to sort out whether or not it would be better if I went out on my own and was alone again like I was when I met him 3 years ago and it was just me and my daughter as I raised her alone. Maybe that's "looking backward", but not really. I know how my life was back then and I know how it is now and even if I did go out on my own now, it would not be the exact same as it was before I met him (yeah, I'd have to hope I wouldn't feel horrible!) But I wouldn't get out unless I felt as confident as possible that I could cope with it. The rest is guilt about worrying about how he would make it on his own and what would happen to him. I guess he wants/needs me more than vice versa. We don't fight or anything like that, never have. It's a "civilzed" household (even when he's in a nasty attitude, because he's "quiet" about it-- he's like passive-aggressive). Well, anyway, maybe one day it will all get sorted out, I don't know. Until then, I live in limbo I think. It feels like that anyway. Thanks for letting me share/vent honestly. It helps.

All the stories help. I'm 30 and my husband has renal faliure and diabetes and has all the complations from both. i have turned into a fulltime cargiver. My days are driving him to treatments daily and also working. There is no time for the life we dreamed of so yes I to have moments were I want to run and find my dream life. I could never truly 100% leave him we have been together for almost 15yrs. I have know him since school I don't know a day without him in it since we meant. I care for him dearly and want the best care for him. I just fill cheated that I didnt get to have a family and home with him. I know though he feels the same cheated for he to had dreams. I have just recently learned to take it one day at a time and don't live each day in regret. I still have down days i call them my pitty party and i know he to has these days. He has too adjusted a bit and always trys to be nice and thankful. I know he to feels bad that we didnt get our dream family and home. We both struggle with the loss of our realtionship with each other. We sleep apart and have for some time that was the hardest for me i still struggle with sleeping alone. this was his choice he has not show any affection toward me in some time. i went from a friend and wife to a full time caregiver only. i'm trying hard to adjust and be with him threw this. each day I struggle alittle with finding the new normal in our life and everyone giving there thoughts. i have learned this being a caregiver to the one you love it is the hardest job in the world and it has to take a strong person to give there live for there loved one.

What I'm reading in these posts in general and also after having talked to a couple of my friends, the consensus seems to be that it's OK to "leave" if the ill-spouse is constantly/consistently "abusive". I guess I am wondering how much abuse is too much? Is occasionally nasty/bad attitude the same as abuse? Does it count if the ill-spouse is not always nasty? Is it expected the well-spouse has to tolerate SOME nastiness? Is nastiness the same as abuse? What exactly can justify the actual "leaving"? Is it that the well-spouse just may be the type of person who just cannot cope/deal/live with an ill-spouse for whatever their own personal reasons are, which could be many varied reasons? I do think that MOST "outside people" would definitely be critical, judgmental, and throw in their unwanted 2 cents and I do think that also seems to be a factor with well-spouses who want to or have considered leaving the ill-spouse (again, usually it seems because the ill-spouse has turned mean, nasty, evil, vindictive, abusive, etc.). I wonder if the well-spouse is supposed to 'stay' if the ill-spouse is only sometimes nasty, like that is to be expected and goes along with living with a person who has the disease? All I know is that I have not wanted to be in this from the get-go and I still don't. I wonder if I will ever be able to come to a conclusion/accept/make my peace with this situation, I just don't know. I don't FEEL as though I can, but feelings are just feelings and thoughts are just thoughts and is that what I should apply here, as well as "this too shall pass"? The thing is, this will NOT pass (unless he got miraculously "cured", which is not expected. I am a realist, not an idealist or a romantic. It's completely down to practicality now, nothing else really. The best I can expect from him now is that he will hopefully be "nice" and "do his part". After having seen both sides of him, I still think if he goes back to the nasty way, that I will start to constantly (as the woman wrote above) wish I could get out and leave. I already know what it's like to feel/think that way and I'm certain I would feel that way again if he goes backward again (he's been "nice" for about 2 weeks). This is all too triggering for me in so many bad ways and brings back so many bad memories for me of other traumatic situations in my life. I also have to admit that at this point I too do not have the bollocks to leave (don't want the ridicule, don't have the money or means at the moment, don't know if I could "live with myself", the whole "consequences" thing), etc. I know I am depressed most of the time and don't have much to look forward to, especially with regard to my spouse, only trying to "survive", which is what I had tried so hard to get my life to a point before this happened that my life would be more than just survival/existence-- this is a big setback for me in every way. Thanks for reading.
New Nan from Texas

The woman that wrote Michelle should leave her husband. I know because I too, should leave mine. I have tried to leave; but can never go through with it. Right now I dream of it every day. I dream to be free from anger; free from negative everything; free from abuse. The right thing to do is leave. I know that my marriage vows said for better for worse and for sickness and in health; however, they didn't include ruthless torture. Just because he has MS doesn't give him the right to be MEAN. So, with that said, I hope she finds the strength to leave. I know it is what is right all too well. I just don't have the balls to do it. I am too afraid of the reactions that I would have to deal with. I know it would be worth it though because every day I am sad and cry and worry about my children living with someone that is impossible to reason with, negotiate with, talk to, etc.; someone that only gets mad at the world and you no matter how big or how small the problem is or isn't. May she find the strength!