What I'm reading in these posts in general and also after having talked to a couple of my friends, the consensus seems to be that it's OK to "leave" if the ill-spouse is constantly/consistently "abusive". I guess I am wondering how much abuse is too much? Is occasionally nasty/bad attitude the same as abuse? Does it count if the ill-spouse is not always nasty? Is it expected the well-spouse has to tolerate SOME nastiness? Is nastiness the same as abuse? What exactly can justify the actual "leaving"? Is it that the well-spouse just may be the type of person who just cannot cope/deal/live with an ill-spouse for whatever their own personal reasons are, which could be many varied reasons? I do think that MOST "outside people" would definitely be critical, judgmental, and throw in their unwanted 2 cents and I do think that also seems to be a factor with well-spouses who want to or have considered leaving the ill-spouse (again, usually it seems because the ill-spouse has turned mean, nasty, evil, vindictive, abusive, etc.). I wonder if the well-spouse is supposed to 'stay' if the ill-spouse is only sometimes nasty, like that is to be expected and goes along with living with a person who has the disease? All I know is that I have not wanted to be in this from the get-go and I still don't. I wonder if I will ever be able to come to a conclusion/accept/make my peace with this situation, I just don't know. I don't FEEL as though I can, but feelings are just feelings and thoughts are just thoughts and is that what I should apply here, as well as "this too shall pass"? The thing is, this will NOT pass (unless he got miraculously "cured", which is not expected. I am a realist, not an idealist or a romantic. It's completely down to practicality now, nothing else really. The best I can expect from him now is that he will hopefully be "nice" and "do his part". After having seen both sides of him, I still think if he goes back to the nasty way, that I will start to constantly (as the woman wrote above) wish I could get out and leave. I already know what it's like to feel/think that way and I'm certain I would feel that way again if he goes backward again (he's been "nice" for about 2 weeks). This is all too triggering for me in so many bad ways and brings back so many bad memories for me of other traumatic situations in my life. I also have to admit that at this point I too do not have the bollocks to leave (don't want the ridicule, don't have the money or means at the moment, don't know if I could "live with myself", the whole "consequences" thing), etc. I know I am depressed most of the time and don't have much to look forward to, especially with regard to my spouse, only trying to "survive", which is what I had tried so hard to get my life to a point before this happened that my life would be more than just survival/existence-- this is a big setback for me in every way. Thanks for reading.
New Nan from Texas
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What I'm reading in these posts in general and also after having talked to a couple of my friends, the consensus seems to be that it's OK to "leave" if the ill-spouse is constantly/consistently "abusive". I guess I am wondering how much abuse is too much? Is occasionally nasty/bad attitude the same as abuse? Does it count if the ill-spouse is not always nasty? Is it expected the well-spouse has to tolerate SOME nastiness? Is nastiness the same as abuse? What exactly can justify the actual "leaving"? Is it that the well-spouse just may be the type of person who just cannot cope/deal/live with an ill-spouse for whatever their own personal reasons are, which could be many varied reasons? I do think that MOST "outside people" would definitely be critical, judgmental, and throw in their unwanted 2 cents and I do think that also seems to be a factor with well-spouses who want to or have considered leaving the ill-spouse (again, usually it seems because the ill-spouse has turned mean, nasty, evil, vindictive, abusive, etc.). I wonder if the well-spouse is supposed to 'stay' if the ill-spouse is only sometimes nasty, like that is to be expected and goes along with living with a person who has the disease? All I know is that I have not wanted to be in this from the get-go and I still don't. I wonder if I will ever be able to come to a conclusion/accept/make my peace with this situation, I just don't know. I don't FEEL as though I can, but feelings are just feelings and thoughts are just thoughts and is that what I should apply here, as well as "this too shall pass"? The thing is, this will NOT pass (unless he got miraculously "cured", which is not expected. I am a realist, not an idealist or a romantic. It's completely down to practicality now, nothing else really. The best I can expect from him now is that he will hopefully be "nice" and "do his part". After having seen both sides of him, I still think if he goes back to the nasty way, that I will start to constantly (as the woman wrote above) wish I could get out and leave. I already know what it's like to feel/think that way and I'm certain I would feel that way again if he goes backward again (he's been "nice" for about 2 weeks). This is all too triggering for me in so many bad ways and brings back so many bad memories for me of other traumatic situations in my life. I also have to admit that at this point I too do not have the bollocks to leave (don't want the ridicule, don't have the money or means at the moment, don't know if I could "live with myself", the whole "consequences" thing), etc. I know I am depressed most of the time and don't have much to look forward to, especially with regard to my spouse, only trying to "survive", which is what I had tried so hard to get my life to a point before this happened that my life would be more than just survival/existence-- this is a big setback for me in every way. Thanks for reading.
May 19, 2009 - 8:20pmNew Nan from Texas
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