Living with and possibly leaving a sick spouse - a heartfelt story from a reader looking for advice

So much is written about leaving the person who is ill. My partner has had cancer for several years which was responding to treatment until about a year ago. 90% of the time before that he was positive and a really great person although he could be very moody and highly irrational at times. As the medication stopped working a year ago and needed to be changed, he also changed, becoming withdrawn, very tired and often very irrational. Out of the blue, 6 months ago, he decided he wanted a break, could not cope any longer and moved out. Our relationship changed to one where it was all about him and what he wanted. He wanted to be able to dictate what he wanted, what the terms of our relationship should be, when he would contact me, etc. After months waiting for him to set the pace, never knowing whether he would respond to any contact from me but mostly waiting for him, he still could not make up his mind.I eventually asked him to decide one way or the other. He has now left. I have been so devasted. Firstly by his treatment of me, and secondly by his diagnosis and the change in the man who I loved so much. How can someone change so drastically? From being a caring, loving person to one who is completely self centred. Is this what such a disease does to someone?

My mom has been going through something similar for many years now. My stepfather mental health has been worsening for years, and he refuses to acknowledge it. My mother is a minister with a P.H.D, and the most kind and loving women I know. It pains me to see her suffer as she does every day with not only the complete financial burden of the family because he refuses to help, as well as the emotional burden of loving a man who is too mentally ill to be capable of loving her back. He has hurt her emotionally and physically, and contributes nothing to his three childrens needs. My advice is this; if nothing can be done to help his illness, then you need to leave him, else risk your mental and physical well being. I know it will be hard, but if youve tried everything and there is no improvement, your last resort is your only resort. Im praying for you.

Well, I'm not sure if we've had a little breakthrough or not, but this past Thursday, my husband was in a car accident. Not serious, but his foot slipped off of the break and he hit the gas, rear ending someone twice. He received a ticket, a fair amount of dammage to his car (not sure if it's entirely driveable) and had a bit of a breakdown. He openned up and shared alot about his frustrations about his disease, feeling of guilt for his lack of working, helping out arround the house, feeling like a failure as a husband and father and as he calls himself "the weak link in the family". As hard as it was to hear him, it made me be able to hear him and see him for the man I remember. We had a heart to heart and I explained to him that although he has lost function, that it isn't he physical aspects of his illness that is so hard for me, but his emotional issues. I feel like it's easier for me to accept his attitude if I know what's going on in his head. Even though it was an awful week for him, and he is thinking hard and long about whether or not he should be driving any longer (and I'm realizing that I'm going to be having to do more and more now), we've actually had a decent weekend and I feel like he's heard me as well as I have heard him. I don't think that he should be yelling at me, but maybe if I can get him to open up more, then maybe just maybe I can understand him a little better.

It's a very sad situation knowing that your spouse's quality of life is poor. I'm not sure how to answer this question as I am in the same situation myself. All I can say is - follow your heart.

Hi,

Your situation seems familiar to me as I am a 36 year old healthy male with a wife recently diagnosed with mitochondrial disease. We were formerly fairly active and enjoyed hiking, backpacking, and camping. Now my wife is thinking about getting a scooter because she can't walk far without being in pain. She is on a pain "patch" and other prescrips., who knows if they help. We haven't been getting along great lately as it is sometimes frustrating to have to do everything around the house. We have two kids, 3 and 6, and I have a full time job working from home so I end up doing quite a bit around here. There is no current cure for her disease and people typically have strokes/seizures around age 60 and go downhill from there. She is probably depressed, 90% of our conversations seems to revolve around how she feels and she sleeps so often it often ends up being me and the kids doing everything without her. I also feel like all she does is ask me to do things/get things all day long. I feel so bad for my wife, she really does try but she is too exhaused to do much and often gets stressed out, gets migraines, has sensitivity to smells & sounds, chronic body pain, and more. You just don't get much out of a marriage when your in situations like this and I often feel like I'm giving up so much to be with my wife.