Living with and possibly leaving a sick spouse - a heartfelt story from a reader looking for advice

I can relate on so many levels....I have been married to my soul mate for 18 years, and while soul mate sounds enduring, it is a choice also. I love my husbands on levels I did not know where possible. He became ill with a chemical induced lung disease 3 years into our marriage and here we are 15 years later. We have worked through the difficult stage that you speak about, but it is very fresh in my mind. First, let me tell you that his obsession with your finances is a way for him to have "control" of something and it is important that he can do this because he can't control his health. The difference in our relationship is that I am the one that is constantly going over our budget. It is a false sense of control, but it is just that. When you say he is angry and you don't think he even likes you anymore, you could not be further from the truth! This is his way of trying to push you away to protect you, because his love is so deep for you. He is angry that he is helpless in this situation and can not control it. It is a way of detaching himself from those he loves so he doesn't feel guilty for being sick. There are so many emotions that go on in both our your minds. We did go to counseling for 3 years when we were about 2 years into the illness. You both need to learn to look at what he can do, be however little it is and STOP looking at what he can't do! I just to feel sorry for my three kids because when my husband was healthy he was always out doors and active and playing or fishing or hunting. I wanted him to share those things with my kids because I am more of the indoorsy if you will...lol We were so wrapped up with feeling sorry for ourselves for so long that we missed out on years of happy memories. Now we are trying to make up for that time. We play board games, sometime just me and him. We remember silly stupid stories and tell them over and over again and laugh at them over and over again. We make new memories and me are grateful for every day we still have him with us to make more memories. It is so difficult to watch him suffer and so much more difficult to not be able to help him in some ways, but that is where I am continueously learning to accept what I can not change and concentrate on what I can change. My prayers are with you as I know that the cross you carry is very heavy! the mourning cycle is a mean one and one you will continueously go through until he after he passes. Know that he is going through mourning also....he is mourning his health. There are stages in mourning and some of the stages are visited over again. It is part of accepting and healing and that biggest part of that is allowing each other to hurt! Share your hurt. You are in my prayers. I don't know what you have decided, but I know your decision is a very difficult one that takes lots of soul searching. It can get better. Maybe you need a new or different counselor! Hang in there and know that you are NOT ALONE!

I am not a doctor, but I am a husband and I found the fact that he actually asked how you were doing (relationship-wise) is very telling. He must care about you and your relationship in some way or he wouldn't have asked you that. My guess is that he is frustrated with his situation (who could blame him) and he acts out on you because you are the one that is there. You said he yelled at other people as well which tells me that it isn't JUST you that he is venting on.

My wife and I have developed a couple of techniques that may help you - I'll throw them out there and you can do with them what you will.

Like you, I am very sensitive to being yelled at no matter what the reason. My wife used to be much more emtional than she is now and used to take some of her frustrations out on me; I didn't like it. So I tried something new - it was pretty scary but it worked very well. I stayed calm (very important) and simply asked, "Why are you yelling at me?" It made her stop in her tracks and realize what she was doing. I usually got an immediate apology and the confrontation ended. Her heightened awareness of what she had been doing reduced the number of times it happened.

Asking such a simple question will give the confidence you need to stand your ground and let him know how you feel. The most powerful thing you can do when talking about it is to remain calm; try distancing yourself from the situation mentally and look upon it as a third person would. I think he will find it to be pretty scary.

Sometimes when I am frustrated about something it is tempting to yell at her, but I don't and one of the main reasons is that I know I won't get away with it. Perhaps some of his venting on you is because it's easy to do since you don't react. If you ask him that question it may help stop the abuse.

The other thing we do, which might have helped you when he asked about your relationship, is we preface an uncomfortable discussion with, "Put on your adult hat." I recently wrote an article about it - perhaps it would help you. https://www.empowher.com/news/herarticle/2009/06/05/stress-arguments

This is all easy for me to say, I know; life on the front lines is much different than in the peanut gallery, but these things work well for us. Perhaps they will work for you as well.

Anonymous - your story is heart-breaking and your standing by your principles and love admirable.

Just to throw another opinion on the table - you blew an opportunity when he asked you how you thought the relationship was going. I think he needs to be told exactly how you feel, how his self destructive behavior is hurting the family, and that it can't continue. He needs help and you can't be the one to give it, necessarily, but you do have the power to make him snap out of it and take action.

Remember that your son is being affected by all of this. You and your husband have the responsibility to raise him properly.

If you can't muster the courage to do this for you or your husband, do it for your son.

Of course, it is really easy for me to write this and much harder for you to take any action - but you have a solemn responsibility to care for your son.

Finally, every day, know that you are loved.

Hello there!

It is so good to hear from you--I have thought about you many many times since your original post. I'm so sorry though that things have not gotten any better for you, and in fact are getting tougher. You are an amazing woman and I can sense your strength from reading your words.

Your story reminds me of a question that Dear Abby often uses in her column: are you better off with him or without him? It's a tough question for sure and not one that has an easy answer, but I do think it might be worth thinking about. Like other posters have commented, your husband has already made you the bad guy no matter what you do.

Thank you too for telling us about your beautiful son. I know it must be hard for you and him to watch your husband/his Daddy treat you poorly when he is around.

I wish you the strength that you need to make it through each day, and also to make whatever decision you decide to make. Please know that no matter what, you will have the support of everyone here. We are all rooting for you and your happiness--you deserve it! Please post again whenever you would like. Big hugs to you, Michelle

So, I am the young lady who posted back in January about my husband who has MS. I am still with him. His health had continued to deteriorate, he had another pulmonary embolism and refused a green field filter that was recommended by the medical doctor, pulmonologist, and vascular surgeon....not to mention me a Nurse Practitioner. He instead decided to stay on coumadin, didn't bother to have his labs drawn the way he was supposed to, fell and had a massive bruise that looked like he had been in a car accident. I didn't mention before that we have a beautiful 3year old little boy that we adopted from China. That's when my husband's health really started to go downhill. I know that he loves our little boy....just not me. He has some decent days where he will talk to me like I'm not a complete idiot. Otherwise, in his mind I've destroyed his life by making him move closer to my family. My family is very supportive and will help me when I need a hand, his family has been pretty much useless in helping me with handling him. He continues to blow up easily, he has shouted at the people at the bank, H&R Block, the grocery store, the gas station and recently at the Social Security Disability office (which who knows...they may have had it coming). Our dog recently bit the baby and I wanted it gone, he refused and slept on the couch with the dog for about 2 months...to show me. I have to say, I didn't miss him in the bed. He has had some days that he has treated me ok, but generally he is miserable to live with. Thank God, I enjoy my work, have some good friends and have an excellent time playing with the little one. I've tried to join different exercise classes to get out of the house and he always makes me cancel or feel guilty for leaving. He accuses me of being self-centered and a bad parent for leaving the house. I also went back to school to obtain my doctorate and honestly, he's jealous that I'm back in school, work and trying to achieve things in my life. The desire to leave has not left me, but I still feel stuck. He comes up with crazy ideas of how he's going to take my 3 year old out of town for a couple of weeks to spend time with his family and is upset that I will not let him. He cannot walk distances, care for him on a daily basis or act like a normal person and he thinks that he's going to take him out of state. Absolutely not. He hates our new home (a ranch so that it would be easier for him to walk), he hates the area and tells me that he's going to die soon. It's awful, but some days I wonder when. My parents have offered for me to come home and live with them with the baby. If I leave, I know that I'll be paying out of my ass for the rest of his life. He cannot afford his medications and will not be eligible for medicare for another year and a half. I am as mixed up as ever. I don't think that any of my family or friends or even his friend would think bad of me for leaving him at this point. Everyone has seen how awful he is. He rarely eats anymore and is about 5'8" and weighs about 125lbs so he tells me. I think he's probably even less. He smokes like crazy and drinks mountain dew all day long. He doesn't care about himself. Today, he actually ignored me when I hurt my leg and couldn't put any weight down on it because he fell earlier in the shower and was mad at me. He calls me at work and screams at me on my cell phone to come home "right now!" when soemthing goes wrong at home (like he doesn't understand the mortgage bill, or he breaks something). This is my life.