I don't know which "job" has been the hardest for me (1) my past horrible traumatic life (2) the loss of my son (3) raising my daughter alone (4) my husband's ESRD diagnosis and "where my life is now". For me, my entire life has been hard. I still don't think I'm feeling sorry for myself, I check that all the time. Am I feeling sorry for myself just because I think of everything/everyone I've "lost" and feel crap? To me, that's not feeling sorry for myself, it's being honest with myself and facing myself and how I'm thinking/feeling. Can I "overdo" that? Maybe. I'm an analytical person by nature, so for me, it's normal. I'm in an "abnormal" situation, so I think it stands to reason (for me) to think about it a lot and have very strong feelings about it. I've had SO many people tell me I'm the strongest person they ever met. On the other hand, when I'm feeling depressed on a "down day" I don't feel strong at all. I think I have a dual-personality! I can be both, but the strong part always "wins" because I'm still here (in body and mind). I also learned I don't have to like the circumstances I'm in, but I also figured out that I better sort myself out about that ASAP or else I'm only going to continue feeling crap. I haven't been able to sort myself out yet because I haven't been able to decide whether or not I am going to be able to "accept" this situation or not (back to "analyzing", which is what I do). I can't/don't/won't make decisions in my life until I feel satisfied I've gathered all the "facts" and processed that within myself to a point where I feel I can make a decision that "I can live with", considering all the angles and consequences of any actions/choices/decisions I make. I've become extremely practical and logical and realistic. There is NO room for any bulls%&* anymore from anyone about anything at all. Something has to "make sense" in a situation where our entire life has been turned completely inside-out, upside-down, and totally "changed" due to his disease and now the "aftermath", of which I've been the one to have to deal with everything (of course, realizing he has his own part of it to deal with, having the disease). It's almost like I just can't BELIVE this has "happened to me", like how the he** did this happen?! Well, I KNOW how it happened and I've gone over so many scenarios in my mind and my thing is writing it all out in a journal (what works for me to sort things out). I've got SO many different feelings and thoughts to deal with and sort through and I know there just hasn't been enough time for me, nor do I know how all this is going to work/turn out either financially or emotionally or dynamically in this marriage. I read yesterday about the "for better or worse, richer or poorer, forsaking all others, in sickness and health, til death do us part, as long as ye both shall live"... MY GOD that is SO HARDCORE TO ME! But that is MY personal take on it as my husband and I just got married at age 50 only 3 years ago, hoping to "start a new life"... then the disease took over. We do not have children together. We haven't known each other all that long so I guess I don't feel some type of extreme passion/love/do or die type "in love" with him... I do not feel I "need" him or any other man (I learned that the hard way). He even told me himself (and I quote): "You don't deserve this. You've been through enough in your life already." Yet, here we are. I feel sometimes like I'm being punished, sometimes "tested", sometimes tortured, sometimes in prison, stuck, trapped, etc. He lets me "talk to him" now, but not about "us", only about either the money situation and how we're going to be able to keep the house or not, or maybe about how my daughter's doing with her new baby and she's living with us and how taht's going to go because now I can't help her out with the baby because of his disease and how it's affected our life. I am trying to sort out whether or not it would be better if I went out on my own and was alone again like I was when I met him 3 years ago and it was just me and my daughter as I raised her alone. Maybe that's "looking backward", but not really. I know how my life was back then and I know how it is now and even if I did go out on my own now, it would not be the exact same as it was before I met him (yeah, I'd have to hope I wouldn't feel horrible!) But I wouldn't get out unless I felt as confident as possible that I could cope with it. The rest is guilt about worrying about how he would make it on his own and what would happen to him. I guess he wants/needs me more than vice versa. We don't fight or anything like that, never have. It's a "civilzed" household (even when he's in a nasty attitude, because he's "quiet" about it-- he's like passive-aggressive). Well, anyway, maybe one day it will all get sorted out, I don't know. Until then, I live in limbo I think. It feels like that anyway. Thanks for letting me share/vent honestly. It helps.
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I don't know which "job" has been the hardest for me (1) my past horrible traumatic life (2) the loss of my son (3) raising my daughter alone (4) my husband's ESRD diagnosis and "where my life is now". For me, my entire life has been hard. I still don't think I'm feeling sorry for myself, I check that all the time. Am I feeling sorry for myself just because I think of everything/everyone I've "lost" and feel crap? To me, that's not feeling sorry for myself, it's being honest with myself and facing myself and how I'm thinking/feeling. Can I "overdo" that? Maybe. I'm an analytical person by nature, so for me, it's normal. I'm in an "abnormal" situation, so I think it stands to reason (for me) to think about it a lot and have very strong feelings about it. I've had SO many people tell me I'm the strongest person they ever met. On the other hand, when I'm feeling depressed on a "down day" I don't feel strong at all. I think I have a dual-personality! I can be both, but the strong part always "wins" because I'm still here (in body and mind). I also learned I don't have to like the circumstances I'm in, but I also figured out that I better sort myself out about that ASAP or else I'm only going to continue feeling crap. I haven't been able to sort myself out yet because I haven't been able to decide whether or not I am going to be able to "accept" this situation or not (back to "analyzing", which is what I do). I can't/don't/won't make decisions in my life until I feel satisfied I've gathered all the "facts" and processed that within myself to a point where I feel I can make a decision that "I can live with", considering all the angles and consequences of any actions/choices/decisions I make. I've become extremely practical and logical and realistic. There is NO room for any bulls%&* anymore from anyone about anything at all. Something has to "make sense" in a situation where our entire life has been turned completely inside-out, upside-down, and totally "changed" due to his disease and now the "aftermath", of which I've been the one to have to deal with everything (of course, realizing he has his own part of it to deal with, having the disease). It's almost like I just can't BELIVE this has "happened to me", like how the he** did this happen?! Well, I KNOW how it happened and I've gone over so many scenarios in my mind and my thing is writing it all out in a journal (what works for me to sort things out). I've got SO many different feelings and thoughts to deal with and sort through and I know there just hasn't been enough time for me, nor do I know how all this is going to work/turn out either financially or emotionally or dynamically in this marriage. I read yesterday about the "for better or worse, richer or poorer, forsaking all others, in sickness and health, til death do us part, as long as ye both shall live"... MY GOD that is SO HARDCORE TO ME! But that is MY personal take on it as my husband and I just got married at age 50 only 3 years ago, hoping to "start a new life"... then the disease took over. We do not have children together. We haven't known each other all that long so I guess I don't feel some type of extreme passion/love/do or die type "in love" with him... I do not feel I "need" him or any other man (I learned that the hard way). He even told me himself (and I quote): "You don't deserve this. You've been through enough in your life already." Yet, here we are. I feel sometimes like I'm being punished, sometimes "tested", sometimes tortured, sometimes in prison, stuck, trapped, etc. He lets me "talk to him" now, but not about "us", only about either the money situation and how we're going to be able to keep the house or not, or maybe about how my daughter's doing with her new baby and she's living with us and how taht's going to go because now I can't help her out with the baby because of his disease and how it's affected our life. I am trying to sort out whether or not it would be better if I went out on my own and was alone again like I was when I met him 3 years ago and it was just me and my daughter as I raised her alone. Maybe that's "looking backward", but not really. I know how my life was back then and I know how it is now and even if I did go out on my own now, it would not be the exact same as it was before I met him (yeah, I'd have to hope I wouldn't feel horrible!) But I wouldn't get out unless I felt as confident as possible that I could cope with it. The rest is guilt about worrying about how he would make it on his own and what would happen to him. I guess he wants/needs me more than vice versa. We don't fight or anything like that, never have. It's a "civilzed" household (even when he's in a nasty attitude, because he's "quiet" about it-- he's like passive-aggressive). Well, anyway, maybe one day it will all get sorted out, I don't know. Until then, I live in limbo I think. It feels like that anyway. Thanks for letting me share/vent honestly. It helps.
May 20, 2009 - 8:25amThis Comment
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