Comment Reply

What a heartbreaking situation for you. It is easy to see that you are struggling on so many levels; it's a very complicated question, and you're obviously very torn.

Your question, "What kind of person leaves an ill spouse?" is the heart of it, isn't it? We take the vows, "in health and in sickness, for better or for worse," and in some way that part even seems more solemn than the rest, because we are agreeing on the day of our marriage that we will not abandon our spouse in his or her time of need. I am sure they were even more poignant for you, since you knew he had MS at the time.

But there are deal-breakers. One answer to your question about who would think of leaving an ill spouse might be "Someone whose ill spouse is abusing them."

It sounds as though you are living in a situation filled with emotional abuse, and it makes everything more difficult. The question is, do you have to take that emotional abuse until your spouse dies?

Part of the answer depends on how you will feel in the future (in either case). If you honor the relationship regardless, if you stay and keep trying, will you feel as though you gave your all and can look back with no regrets? Or will you feel as though you made the wrong decision because you were immobilized?

Part of the answer is medical. It is not the physical challenges that are defeating you, it is the psychological challenges. Have you or the two of you spoken to his doctor about the severe changes in his personality? Could changes in medication be responsible for any of it, or possibly help with any of it?

Here is an article on the "MS Personality," which also discusses when a psychiatric evaluation might help and be in order:

http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qa3939/is_200008/ai_n8928332

Part of the answer lies in how alone you feel. Have you considered a support group for people who have family members with MS? Here's a site that helps patients and caregivers share their experiences:

http://www.healthcentral.com/multiple-sclerosis/connect.html

And a blogger who writes exclusively about MS caregiving:

http://www.mscaregiver.com/

and here's a page of blogs she's written over time about the need for the caregiver to take care of him or herself:

http://www.mscaregiver.com/category/caring-for-yourself/

and here's a page from the National MS Society that discusses MS and caregivers and offers resource lists:

http://www.nationalmssociety.org/living-with-multiple-sclerosis/relationships/caregivers/index.aspx

There is a magazine called Real Living with Multiple Sclerosis. I wish they had a website, but the magazine itself looks like it might be something you'd be interested in "on how to cope with the clinical and personal consequences of this disease." Here's a subscription link through Amazon:

http://www.amazon.com/Real-Living-With-Multiple-Sclerosis/dp/B0000C4CY1/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=magazines&qid=1231438351&sr=8-2

Bnet does reprint articles from the magazine; by clicking through the archives, you can find lots of different topics regarding the disease:

http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qa3939

I hope that we hear from others who have walked this path and can share their experiences. In the meantime, don't beat up on yourself. Try to decide what might help your situation -- some respite care? some more support? -- or whether your husband's lack of ability to be a good spouse to you is something you truly can't bear.

If you are at the end of your rope and are deciding to leave, perhaps offer an alternative: either separation or counseling.

You are in a tough position as an MS caregiver. Please take the time to figure out what you need for you, and then see if a first step occurs to you. If you need help finding an active support group, let us know where you are and we'll find you one. Until then, take care, and let us know how you're doing.