Getting Over Your Ex: What Not To Do

I agree with you SeeDandy1 to a certain extent, however sometimes the damage that you do to yourself by living with these beliefs may never be healed. I have spent the last 14 years of my life being best friend to some one who has never returned the honor. Not because he does not love me but because he is incapable and does not understand how. Part of the problem is that he has no empathy when it comes to our relationship, but has enough for anybody else. I did not want just give up and throw in the towel as I also believe that it is too easy for people to get away from responsibility and the lesson that is needed for whatever bump in the road (relationship) comes up. If not learned, the lesson will pop up in the next relationship. I love this man with all of my heart and I know that he loves me, but I have killed my self esteem by staying with some one that has his priorities all screwed up. One needs to have things like loyalty, respect, honor, and adoration returned to not lose self respect. When you feel like you are less that nothing to your "best friend" but he insists you are not after treating you badly, let go and run for the hills and don't look back. No friends and buddy buddy to it. It hurts too much.

I may take off on a tangent here, but with children involved; it is good for parents to maintain a "friendly" atmosphere. My tangent is this: I hope people today do not give up (and I am referring to being in a marital relationship; and especially, having a child(ren). I do feel some people give up on the relationship and the marriage too easily, and not try to make it work and stick it out. I have, myself, known my husband since fourth grade (fell in love with him the first day of school). We went steady off and on throughout school. We went separate ways after high school, but then met up with each other five years later and married. We have two children. We have been married for 28 years now. We have known each other for forty five. Oh boy, have we had our moments when we thought we might be better off separated. We have been through 'Hell and High Water', and not to rate our struggles and obstacles in our relationship worse than others, but I think I can state, first hand, we have seen it all. Yet, we saw it through with each other. We have seen excellent days with being financially set and fine, to worrying about how we would pay our power bill to keep the electricity on. My husband and I have been business partners also through many of our years, and that, in itself, is a "FEAT". My husband had a problem with 'tinkering' with cocaine years ago, but got busted, and cost us our business, and were the 'scorn' of people in town, and lost friends and family members swaying away from us over this - let alone the business suffering with it 'all around town'. I had no idea, and people asked me, "Why don't you leave him?" Well, I said, "I hated him, as my business partner; I spit on him, as his wife, and I could have killed him as the father of my children, but"... He was and is my best friend - the best - even with what happened years ago then. I still knew his good sides, and love, and kindred spirit as a best friend. He had too many good attributes to him, and I concentrated on this: He was worth staying with, and because he was my best friend. (Well, I have to admit - the sex was fantastic too - always.)

So, he and I have seen couple friends of ours who have divorced for fewer reasons, much fewer. We have seen couples break up over financial troubles over the years; we have seen couples separate due to infidelities; we have seen couples break up over being business partners, and it did not work. I just feel these couples were not "friends" from the very beginning, and maintained this. It is maintenance - to be a friend. Whoever reading this - I am sure you can say/think of one very special friend in your lifetime who you would do ANYTHING FOR. Well, my husband happens to be that person; therefore, I made a decision this one day, after he deceived me as my husband, my business partner, the father of my children. He was still my friend, and I decided to stay by my best friend's side. He made up for his mistakes, and we are still married. Oh, we have our 'times', but I love him, and do not know what I would do without this 'best friend'. We are 'kindred spirits' now too - after all we have been through. I loved what he even said to me this very evening... "I do not know what I would do if you left this world before me." (I feel the same.) Yes, this is a 'love story', but we are not so exceptional. It is what two people are willing to ask themselves in a relationship: Are we friends first?

I have a very close childhood girlfriend; who I would count as my most longtime and dearest. I would do anything for her; and I know she feels the same. I would 'bail' her out of anything. So, why would I not do this for my husband; as he was (and is) my "Friend"?

I hope one gets my points here. Again, I think: Do not be so easy to quit on a relationship/marriage. Ask yourself if the person is a "Best Friend". If not - and problems you feel not resolvable - quit it. But, if this person is your loved and true friend - keep at it. It will work out - trust me. One only has to look at the present, and make it happen, and look to tomorrow as a blessing; yet, don't think about tomorrow too much... We have too much at stake with these hearts today. Try to always think of this, and make the decisions based on this and these factors. I can speak with wisdom here, as I said. I have been there, done that, seen that, cried over this, hated that - but I am better with my heart today, with knowing I am with my ...'bestest' friend. If he ever quits, as a friend, then will be the time to reconsider...

Don't get me wrong here, either - the key words are Best 'Friend'; and one has to consider the factors; of course, in a relationship. I would never stay with a husband if he was of incest, a rapist, a criminal - ongoing with the law, or abusive of anyone with not trying to seek help. What would my husband have done if I did not stay with him during his 'weak moment' with the drugs? I worked with him, and stayed with him. I would hope he would do the same for me, and not give up on me. (For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health...) It is the name of the game here. One just needs to ask one's self --- just what I have conveyed here. I wish all good fortune in love, and seek this - above all with anyone in any relationship. Hold this friendship high, and the rewards come back. "Trust me".
"Hang in there." (I am right about this, but also...Forgiveness is a Virtue, and try to 'stick it out' when the going gets tough. Tomorrow is so unseen, but today is here...

P.S. One who has children also... they are now part of this; yet, continue to base any decisions on how you will feel. What is the saying, "If Mama ain't 'Happy', ain't Nobody Happy."

See Dandy

P.S. If and when one has quit with a relationship, and move onto another relationship of closeness; I am not saying one has to be 'Friends' with the 'old' relationship. This is complex; especially, with a child(ren) involved. I think children just want 'Harmony', and no fighting and this is a matter of the two people (of the old relationship) to maintain and contain. Whatever it is called; i.e., "Friendly, Friendship", etc. - it has to be for the child's respect. These two persons got the child into this; so to speak, so get the child 'out' with this maintaining of being civil at all times. A child, as I said, wants "harmony". Why would any parent give the child any less? Another term for this would be instead of "harmony" would be being "friendly"/"friends". I also agree with this; in that, if one/both choose to end it - then end it. With a child involved - do not get the child confused. If one/both choose to 'rekindle' a 'flame' - why was it ended in the first place? Do not forsake a child's heart with this. This would be cruel. You both must be black and white. I cannot think of any child (with both parents being loved by the child) who would want to see the parents split; yet, could not stand the 'Grey' part and unknowing if his/her parents are getting back together or not. This is why I spoke in depth of this 'tangent' here...

Happy New Year To All and To Your Best Friend(s)

This article instantly caught my attention! Cutting off contact and axing the just friends cliche is a healthy solution for both men and women!

Interesting but it makes me wonder why a coupe like that still want to be together and feel right, broke up in the first place. I smell unrealistic expectations.

thats true Susan. But in my case my ex dont worry about my kid he never phone or visit him. and in the end i must give him answers about his father.

I love my kid and only want what is best for him, I have a new boyfriend now and he totaly adores my son. My son take him as his father and love him alot. But we always let him know who his daddy really is

Enjoy your day

Shantelle

Ha!
I love the comments, Susan the "us regular folks" is awesome... I know it sort of lets the old self esteem get smacked around to imagine we're less than perfect if we have emotional baggage of the not-so-designer kind floating around with regard to old relationships...
And Rosa - you crack me up!
My feelings are with you - the children come first no matter what the anger level is like... Keeping it civil doesn't mean not having your own feelings - it just means being an adult about them.

Peace Out beautiful, eloquent women!

Aimee

Aw, man-- I have to cut off sex? Just Kidding :-)

I've been fortunate enough to not have seen my ex since we broke up. I have no interest in his life or being friends. Or saying "Hi" to him at all for that matter.

But I agree, when there are children involved it is important to remain civilized but not best buddies. I think being best buddies would definitely send mixed signals not only to your ex but to your children as well. This sometimes gives them false hope that one day you may go back together and I don't think it's healthy for a child and best for both people if they go separate ways but maintain communication about the child's health and school activities.

This is certainly an article. Just try googling "factopo"