We've watched 'What Not To Wear' and have slowly begun collectively tossing our overalls forever and never, ever buying plastic belts, no matter how neon, gold or skinny-jean oriented they may be. However, when it comes to what not to do, particularly when it comes to ex lovers, spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends or partners, we're still stuck in the Eighties, hopelessly clinging to our big hair and spandex. It's really, truly, time to upgrade.
One mistake most women make when it comes to their ex is keeping the door open for a good continuing relationship. If there are children involved, this may be necessary - or at least a type of civility may be necessary; but real, true, honest to goodness friendship is really, and yes, I'm apologizing in advance to the BFF breakers up here, not a great idea.
The complications that arise when the new love interest comes upon the situation are not savory. They stink, in fact. Not to mention the triangulation and (yes, metaphorical) strangulation which may occur if the new flame is friends with the old and so on. This is your life and, while it is utopian and lovely to want us "all to just get along" remaining tight with the old bed buddy is not a good boundary; at least not until a year or even more have gone by and the memories are as faded as that old shirt of his you definitely do NOT have hanging still, in your closet.
Another thing to stop doing immediately is actually sleeping with your ex. This may seem outlandish due to the fact that so many of us continue to have intimate relations with our exes and then tell so many people it's not true that we begin to believe it ourselves. While it may feel good, comforting, hot and even theatrical to continue to sleep with your ex while you are not in a real relationship, it is something akin to stripping a wound of its tender scab over and over again...healing is without question not taking place in this situation. Instead, go solo or safely try on a new pair of leather shoes. Safely try on a new pair of pants. Safely date. Someone other than your ex, of course. See friends, take up hobbies you'd left behind, go on vacation.
Limiting contact may hurt, may feel wrong, may even make you feel you're not a nice person for shutting him out With all sincerity, taking this space, both mentally and physically is an incredible step toward finally breaking up. Letting go is hard, but necessary if there is going to be room in your life for an evolving you, and possibly your new partner.
Aimee Boyle is a freelance writer and special education high school teacher who lives, writes and teaches in CT with her family.
Add a Comment71 Comments
I think this is a GREAT article. My friend recently pointed me to bounceback2life.com and their break up census (breakupcensus.com). Really cool stuff there.
April 14, 2010 - 6:30pmThis Comment
I think this is a GREAT article. My friend recently pointed me to bounceback2life.com and their break up census (breakupcensus.com). Really cool stuff there.
April 14, 2010 - 6:30pmThis Comment
I think this is a GREAT article. My friend recently pointed me to bounceback2life.com and their break up census (breakupcensus.com). Really cool stuff there.
April 14, 2010 - 6:30pmThis Comment
It seems it would be best for you not to be in a serious relationship for the time being. Concentrate on your mental and physical health, your education and your peace of mind.
April 14, 2010 - 5:44pmThis Comment
i understand all of this and it took a long time to get to that point. i've had several exes that i kept in my life. when my fiance and i got together, he wasnt friends with any of his exes, and didnt understand me being friends with mine. i let go of them, and most it didnt matter, except one was a good friend and there if i ever needed anything, but im absolutely positive he would still sleep with me if i actually wanted to, so snce there are feelings on his side (which he would of COURSE deny, yet he has a track record with every single ex), and then the other who i havent dated in YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS was my first boyfriend from high school, but my fiance gets along with him and knows that we are not interested in eachother. (at least i am completely disgusted by the mere thought of him as more than a friend-he's like a brother).
since i understand all of this, i need to ask another question about a similar topic. i have very severe mental health issues that i had when i was a kid, but learned and grew out of them with help from God. my fiance and i are splitting to give eachother space so we arent under eachothers skin anymore, until i get myself straightened out. it took a major fight for him to leave and he is severly depressed and wants to come back and get along with me, but every time this happens, i tell him im not ok right now and i need to get better first. heartbroken, i let him back every time. he has a way of ignoring and stopping an arguement to cope, and i have a need to talk about it and let it out and follow him and scream at him when he is trying to make peace and let my anger ride out. but it gets worse when i feel ignored, even when he is trying to prevent further arguement. i feel so depressed i cant do things for myself. i havent taken care of myself, my hygiene, i dont clean, eat healthy, or exercise, because im so depressed. on top of that, i have a HUGE SUPER MAJOR capstone project and other major projects due for this semester in the next coming weeks before i can graduate, along with an internship i am starting soon in order to graduate. our lease is up at the end of may, and i am staying here until then, and then i have nowhere to go. i was going to stay with my fiance at his moms but it's not a good idea. im unsure if the homeless shelters in downtown cleveland are safe-ive heard people get mugged, stabbed, and shot for things as petty as shoes. my brother is very hard to get along with and moved back into my parents under house arrest and thats why i moved out. my sisters live in different states, and my BFF invited me to arizona, but i need to stay here til september to complete my internship. my best friend originally said when she got her house i could stay there for the summer to save money, but now that her and her fiance got their house, she needs her space and said sorry but she wont even let her brother move in. i dont have any money, because i quit work for school and my internship, so i cant get an extension on my lease. my fiance and i wanted to move together in september to orlando. but right now that cant happen until i get my anger and fears and anxiety and depression worked out. i need support. my psychiatrist put me on depression medication that made me have such bad side effects and i didnt want to go on it anyways, so i stopped it a couple weeks ago, and thats why my negativity and anger and depression are so bad right now. my body needs to readjust, and produce its own seratonin. my sister went through all of what im going through as well (because we all have the same dad that left all of our moms, so all my sisters have problems), and she told me about DDT therapy, and she explained everything she does, and it was EVERY single thing i asked from my mean psychiatrist that only prescribed me with drugs as a first and last resort. i was asking about all the side effects and telling her i already have problems and the pills would escalate them and she yelled at me and asked if i liked the way i was feeling, and as i was crying in her office, i said No, and she said 'well then take the pills.' i did, and it caused other problems that my fiance was upset about, and i felt horrible on them every day. i need an emotional support group and im hoping that people that take the time to read this can leave me a nice comment and some good advice. im heartbroken right now, and i miss my fiance, but i have to stay away from him right now to get better, before we can have a healthy relationship. he is so wonderful and he loves me, he just doesnt know how to help me. and i start fights and get insecure about EVERYTHING and i have NO confidence, low self esteem, and low self concept. please help!
April 12, 2010 - 4:38pmThis Comment
this article sucks
March 29, 2010 - 6:06pmThis Comment
Thanks for the passion.
March 31, 2010 - 7:54amThis Comment
Hmm. Your opinions are only valid if you and your ex have poor communication skills and/or one party is not of good will. They are relatively invalid if you are a mature polyamorist.
March 29, 2010 - 1:56amThis Comment
I broke up with my ex, and he took it hard. He wanted to remain really good friends, still live together (but in separate rooms). Needless to say, after a mere few month succeeding, his immediate need to have another girlfriend really crashed our friendship, and he started doing some really drastic things. We don't live together, or even talk.
March 26, 2010 - 12:57pm_______________________
This Comment
Thank you for this post. I was actually "stumbling" and came onto this article. My boyfriend/best friend recently broke up with me and i'm having a really hard time getting over it. Some days I feel alright and some days I am sobbing in my room thinking I wish I could have done something differently. I did so much for him and got so little in return. I know he didn't treat me right and I can do so much better, but it still hurts to know that I, for some reason, am unwanted by this person who was supposed to love me and be my best friend. The problem is, he wants to keep things open and still be best friends. I HAVE to see him everyday because we are both in all the same classes and have the same group of friends. It's a sticky messy situation, but this has definately helped me realize that it is time to put up boundaries.
March 25, 2010 - 4:02pmThis Comment