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Why Doesn't my boyfriend want to have sex with me anymore?

By May 19, 2009 - 9:46am
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We've been dating for over a yer now but in the last few months our sex has drastically decreased at first started to go down from at least 1-2 times a day for at least 5 months and then it went down to 1-2 times a week and then to 1-2 times a month and now it's been a month and a half since we've had sex. I've read a few articles about this allready, but none seem to fit my problem exactly. I was worried for a while that it might be me that was the problem and but he told me it wasn't and i know he wouldn't lie to me. I've asked him about it but he says theres nothing wrong. I just don't know what to do anymore. He's only a year older than me and he's suppose to be in hes prime. Is there anything I can do? I Haven't pressured him or anything because I dont want him to do it just to shut me up. I want him to want to. and I'm just not satistied anymore and im not asking for everyday, at this point once or twice a week would be nice. A far as I know there's nothing he's stressed about at work or school, could it be a cobination of the 2? or something else going on that I don't know about? and please keep in mind that im am searching for help and advice and I don't want to hear find a new boyfriend. I love him and im not leaving him, even if it means were not going to have sex anymore. But it's frustration for the time being as I find it a tad odd that I want it more than he does. and I don't really want to talk to any of my friends abotu it because I live in a small town and this is personal and I don't need everyone talking about it. and the last thing I want him to feel is embarassed. I havn't told anyone of my friends but I'm in need of some advice. Any Ideas?

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Anonymous (reply to [email protected])

all you can do is be suportive and be there for him. something is missing thatbhe feels he needs . he will try to keep you in the looop if he cares, but if he doesnt than its serious issue for him

February 6, 2011 - 9:20am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

not necessarily, my man and i have the same problem over a year now and he says it's because he feels we've changed, want different things and doesn't want a baby to come along unexpectedly without us figuring out what we're doing in this relationship...i'm 29 he's 32. Trust not all men are horn dogs and can think and control themselves.

July 24, 2010 - 11:20pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

what is wrong with you! how can you just come out and say this. obviously your having issues with your love life but you can't go and assume outloud every man is screwing his girl over. Get over it break up with his looser butt and dont take it out on every guy you see or in this case read aboutl

July 1, 2010 - 4:22pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I disagree ! .. its not for sure! I don't know this guy , so i can't say it's definitely not that. But i'm in the same predicament. Mines a little different. My boyfriend got in a major accident back in August '09. He was in a coma for 8 days and lost 30 pounds . Then stayed in the hospital for the month. Before the accident it was like 4 times a week we were active. After the accident, it was down to 2. But i mean .. he was a skeleton with a broken back/neck fractured skull/sternum/ and his face in 3 places. He said he was fine but i was petrified of braking him!! haha.. but as time went on it lowered and lowered. It's unreal. now he has almost 20 pounds back and just got cleared by his doctor as fine again. Now the whole things changed . We never have sex. I always try! .. Our surroundings and life changed a lot. & that's what i blame it on. And the fact that we are together almost every moment of everyday!! I try everything. He is just is not into sex. Sooooooooo we were together for almost 4 years now. i'm only 20 and he's 21. and we've been through a lot. Considering the coma and what not. But anyway.. for those girls that say i love him i'm not leaving him.. Girl, i love my boyfriend. But.. i come first. I'm not getting what i need. If i don't get laid tonight.. I'm out. I have all the "boyfriend negatives" and none of the positives ! Anyway god bless ahaha ..

June 7, 2010 - 8:07pm
(reply to Anonymous)

Ouch. I'm sorry to hear that, but you are right. I used credit to get away from an abusive spouse. I highly recommend it. Debt is better than the emotions you go through during something like this.

March 16, 2010 - 3:22pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

look countless women are going through this problem, yeah fair enough some guys are cheaters but u can u usually tell if the person u love is capable of that, i dont think he's cheating by the sounds of it he could be stressed, to tired, poor diet, usually guys have something on their minds, could even be that he's worried u'll get pregnant, guys are wierd creatures they dont like to admit when they have a problem incase it dents their exterior : /

March 7, 2010 - 3:35pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

ur a weird creature too xD

April 22, 2010 - 9:23am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Well my man and I are having the same problem, its been over a month since we had sex, we hardly touch at all! we have had this problem once before. It really and truly does kill your selfesteem as a woman. But one thing that I have learned through us going to counseling is this... THEY ARE NOT CHEATING AND THEY DO LOVE YOU AND IT IS NOT YOU!!! Well I am sure in some cases they dont love youor they have cheated but in most cases this is NOT true. In my situation, we were arguing alot for about a week and a half and during that time he didnt want to have sex with me, I mean we wernet even talking during that time. We since made a decision that we were commited and still in love. So we went and got the book called The Love Dare and have been working it day by day. There have been some had days but aso many really wonderful days..but still no sex..anyway I finially found out that since so myuch time has passed he feels scared and highly pressured to preform, even though I am no putting anypressure, men have there own pessures inside there heads.. anyway the suggestion we were given was this..Take SEX OFF the table for 2more weeks, do noteven allow it to be an option, meanwhile; spend 30 min per day touching eacthothers naked bodies in a loving, passioniate, non sexual way in order to bring back intamacy and trust and passion, the rest should follow. I hope this helps our situation as well as others on here. And LADIES... DONT give up on your man if you really love him, you made a commitment to love this person, better or worse. Good luck all!!!

March 16, 2010 - 12:46am
(reply to Anonymous)

I've been with my man for just over 2 years, at first we were at it like rabbits then March last year i had a miscarriage and since then everything has stopped. He kisses me and cuddles me but can't keep an erection and sometimes struggles even getting one. We have now gone 2 months without sex (the longest time) and i'm now starting to resent him i've tried the whole dressing up looking after my appearance and it doesn't make a scrap of difference. He said he's going to see the doctor about it but this never happens. I understand some men do go through erection problems but even if they are struggling why does the intimate touching stop too? If he was still touching me sexually then i would know that it wasn't me. He gets angry when i use my vibrator but i am a very sexual person and i do need to ease the tension from time to time. It's making me a very unhappy person and i'm starting to show signs at work (snapping and no patience) my friends are even starting to say i'm not the same person anymore. I love him so much and when i think about leaving him i feel sick because i know i don't want to be without him and i don't want to find someone on the side to satisfy me because i couldn't hurt him in that way. I am so fed up and spend most days hiding away to have a good cry.

December 3, 2010 - 1:14am
(reply to Anonymous)

I've read everyone's posts so far, and yours was one of my favorites.
"Take SEX OFF the table for 2 more weeks, do not even allow it to be an option"
I love this advice! I really think that might help me.
I am having the same problem as all of you are, and we've only been together 11 months, 1 year on May 10th.
He just started at an overnight job 3 months ago, which has made a drastic change in our time spent together. He has to sleep a lot of the day, and when he is awake, we've been having trouble being even remotely romantic sometimes, he seems like a vegetable a lot. Most days, I get a few pecks on the lips or cheeks and that's it.
I feel lucky to get a huge sincere hug or to make out.
I've been through all of those feelings of "it's me" and feeling unwanted and lost my self esteem but I'm gaining it back because I've really been researching this on the internet and have come to find that he isn't cheating, it's NOT me, he's just really really tired and stressed because he's supporting us both right now!!
We talk about everything, and I mean everything. We never fight, we discuss it, I mean sometimes I raise my voice because I'm frustrated or having an anxiety attack but he always stays calm. I love this and everything else about him except for the lack of affection lately.
He knows how I feel about this situation, and I've discussed it in every single way you can imagine. Now i'm to a point where I feel like I might disgust him if I touch him. I pretty sure that's just me but I hear that new song by Trey Songz "Neighbors Know My Name" which talks about them having such intimate sex and so loud that the neighbors know his name. My boyfriend loves this song, and today I turned it off and told him it sickened me to hear other people getting to be intimate.
I have soooo much resentment that I need to get rid of and I know this, because I feel terrible for always making comments about the LACK of our love life. It hasn't helped, and after reading your post I know it has only hurt the situation, and put an outrageous amount of stress on him. More stress, we definitely didn't need that!

So I'm taking your advice (it will be hard, I might have to get tape to shut my mouth!) But I really think this would relieve a lot of his stress just in the bedroom, and maybe after he feels not so pressured to have sex, maybe it will happen more. and maybe all of that will help relieve some of his other stress!
But thanks for the advice, I'm gonna listen to it, and I'll let you know how it goes!

April 17, 2010 - 4:22am
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