Living with and possibly leaving a sick spouse - a heartfelt story from a reader looking for advice

i totally hear you and agree though omg its so so so hard not to excuse the behaviour (even tho it was there before) on the awfulness of their current situation. Just too hard.

I am a very attractive woman, married still, coming up on 15 years, and a horrible surgical accident during an emergency procedure left me unable to have sex, and permanently disabled, as well as chronically depressed. I already suffered from PTSD and neurological disorder when we met and he said he was okay with that and knew what he was getting into. I have been, until just recently due to doctor's DEMAND working 100 hours a week because he won't accept that I am disabled. But he has changed from rushing to help and comfort me when I (rarely) fall down and cry out to laughing at me or getting angry and saying I am pathetic and he is disgusted by me. It is not like I cry wolf. Just recently, I had a grand mal seizure in the ER waiting room. I am desperately afraid he will leave me and our marriage has become dangerously at risk of falling apart . I always do what I can to keep him satisfied in other ways, but I have not gotten any reciprocity and feel like a masturbatory robot. I have offered and even encouraged bringing another woman into the bedroom ONLY becuase I am a realist, and I am okay with it as long as I know about it, and if he does cheat somehow, like something just happens to please tell me so I just don't feel foolish. I was married before, to a straight up abusive womanizing cheater, and left him for this man who I thought was so kind and empathetic.
I am hit on by men constantly 20 years younger to 20 years older my age range (I try very hard to keep my disability invisible, but most everyone knows something is "wrong" with me and I have seizures)
SO I KNOW I am still pretty, most people really like me when they meet me. But I was bedridden for I long time, and I do like to be alone a lot because of the chronic depression, so maybe I am the problem and people don't really like me, just the first impression or they feel like they have to pretend to be nice to the crippled girl or whatever.
I cannot figure out if he gaslights me and makes me feel like I am a loser and crazy by calling me names and always yelling at me but saying he is not yelling, and such things, and trashing my confidence - becuase my friends will perceive something I do as really important and say nice things - like being interviewed on TV and he won't bother to watch, let alone weigh in. Usually he will pick a fight with me, right before the event in question so I start crying and make a mess of the mascara and makeup it took me forever to put on and start to turn red and have swollen frog eyes. I just want to scream WHYYYYYYY???
He says that he loves me but I am not an idiot and am really good at reading social cues and facial expressions/body language. When we are at home, out in public, anywhere, and our eyes meet across the room - the expression on his face is not love, it is the opposite of love. It is the kind if I hate you, and everything you say, I have heard that story before and I want to smash your fucking face in, you are an embarrassment to me. Never does he show public affection but flees from me to talk to anyone else. When men come to hit on me - he doesn't give 2 shits.
I tell him all the time I feel like a burden and I think about suicide a lot, as a comfort to and I am starting to think that he may be wants me too, or is possibly egging me on. I went to the hospital for an MRI and they seemed to pick up on my depression and severity of the situation and tried to keep me in the psych department to get some help and just talk to someone and he came screaming and was FURIOUS (he never advocates for me for a cup of water in the hospital and is totally non-confrontational normally with anyone but me) and demanded they let me go. I took him aside and said maybe I should stay, that I needed help and they were going to try to help me. He SCREAMED and said that now he knows I really am crazy and that we both know they will just lock me up, change my meds all around, and make me even sicker, for 72 hours and charge us a fortune, He was probably right about that.
But I have told him that I have laid awake at night fantasizing about the nest ways to commit suicide and spend time looking this up on the internet to self sooth when he screams about what a cunt I am and how I am useless and crazy.
I am so afraid to lose him. I would be all alone. I feel like I will end up in a horrible nursing home, alone, forvever

Maybe you were like my husband. Maybe you weren't nice to her. That's the problem in my marriage. I am willing to do anything to help my spouse until he continues the nasty behavior. Were you nasty and argumentative with her? My bet is yes, you were. In any regard, I've put up with, and nurtured my husband for 40 years. He just doesn't understand being nice. Could that describe you??? Just guessing here.... Best wishes.

The only thing shameful here is your response. Marriage is a contract, and both parties are responsible for their part. I have had counseling with a number of pastors, and EVERY one has said that it takes two people to make the marriage work. When one breaks the vows and is unfaithful, or is abusive -- the contract is already broken, so divorce is not the shame, the infidelity is.

I can totally relate, I married my husband knowing he was, married because he was sick. Yes I loved him, although we only been married for only a year, we've been together for 25 years before getting married. We have 5 children, 2 of them I had before I met him but he raised as his own. That's why I fell in love with him he lived my girls like his own. We planned on getting married for years, years went by and we just didn't find the need for that paper. About 6 years ago he was diagnosed with congestive heart failure, I was devastating, to think the man that I loved, the one who I dreamed of getting old with could die. I did everything to help I made my kids eat healthy no take out, no salt what he had to eat we ate. But over time he just didn't care about his health, I couldn't make him eat healthy, he never would go to Dr until it's too late. I would begin but it didn't matter. One night I had to call 911 cause he passed out fell and hit his head, it was hours before they let me see him, they worked hard to bring him back, he stopped breathing, they lost him for a few seconds, but thank God they got him back. Being disabled at this time for almost a year and now forsure not going bk to work, his insurance was about to end. We always planned on marriage so we did it went to courthouse got married, he was insured. For the first week it felt like we fell in love all over again, but the last year has been the worst year of our relationship, he's depressed, mean, I think he blames me for his sickness. I can handle all that but we have a 4 year old daughter with her whole life ahead of her, I can't take the verbal abuse he gives her. The names he calls her, he's constantly yells at her for just being a kid. He was so great with our other 4, they are all over 18 now. I feel like I am not able to be happy with my daughter cause his mood dictates ours. My daughter loves her daddy, but when he was gone one day she told me I love this, when you and me are together, when you smile like you are right now that's how I like you mommy. Broke my heart, cause I want to always be like that with her. Everything I do is wrong. We don't have sex, he never compliments me for anything just negative comments. I tried to be I'm pathetic to put myself in his shoes, but being sick isn't a free pass to treat someone that way. Yes I vowed to love in sickness and in health, not the extra stuff that just cause he's sick should be tolerated. He's defiantly not the man I fell in love with, I knew this when I married him, but he's not even the man I married. If it was just me, I could let it go but it's my daughter and I'm ready for us to be happy together.

Wow. You are a harsh and judgmental person. I pray you aren't faced with the same issues of those you just "preached" to.

Hello Anon,
I think you forgot one critical point: she isn't leaving him because of his physical condition! He is a horrible husband and that has nothing to do with his sickness.
HE IS:
"mean and angry, hardly talks to me, hasn't held me or made love to me in years and honestly I don't even think that he likes me. I really think that I could deal with the physical limitations, it's the emotional stuff that is wearing me down"

She does not need put up with horrible treatment just because he's sick! She promised to be with him in sickness and in health, NOT abuse and neglect!!!!!!!
She has a good heart and loves him, but he's treating her like crap!
I fully support her leaving him.

You should never tell someone to put up with abuse.
Faith