I am a very attractive woman, married still, coming up on 15 years, and a horrible surgical accident during an emergency procedure left me unable to have sex, and permanently disabled, as well as chronically depressed. I already suffered from PTSD and neurological disorder when we met and he said he was okay with that and knew what he was getting into. I have been, until just recently due to doctor's DEMAND working 100 hours a week because he won't accept that I am disabled. But he has changed from rushing to help and comfort me when I (rarely) fall down and cry out to laughing at me or getting angry and saying I am pathetic and he is disgusted by me. It is not like I cry wolf. Just recently, I had a grand mal seizure in the ER waiting room. I am desperately afraid he will leave me and our marriage has become dangerously at risk of falling apart . I always do what I can to keep him satisfied in other ways, but I have not gotten any reciprocity and feel like a masturbatory robot. I have offered and even encouraged bringing another woman into the bedroom ONLY becuase I am a realist, and I am okay with it as long as I know about it, and if he does cheat somehow, like something just happens to please tell me so I just don't feel foolish. I was married before, to a straight up abusive womanizing cheater, and left him for this man who I thought was so kind and empathetic.
I am hit on by men constantly 20 years younger to 20 years older my age range (I try very hard to keep my disability invisible, but most everyone knows something is "wrong" with me and I have seizures)
SO I KNOW I am still pretty, most people really like me when they meet me. But I was bedridden for I long time, and I do like to be alone a lot because of the chronic depression, so maybe I am the problem and people don't really like me, just the first impression or they feel like they have to pretend to be nice to the crippled girl or whatever.
I cannot figure out if he gaslights me and makes me feel like I am a loser and crazy by calling me names and always yelling at me but saying he is not yelling, and such things, and trashing my confidence - becuase my friends will perceive something I do as really important and say nice things - like being interviewed on TV and he won't bother to watch, let alone weigh in. Usually he will pick a fight with me, right before the event in question so I start crying and make a mess of the mascara and makeup it took me forever to put on and start to turn red and have swollen frog eyes. I just want to scream WHYYYYYYY???
He says that he loves me but I am not an idiot and am really good at reading social cues and facial expressions/body language. When we are at home, out in public, anywhere, and our eyes meet across the room - the expression on his face is not love, it is the opposite of love. It is the kind if I hate you, and everything you say, I have heard that story before and I want to smash your fucking face in, you are an embarrassment to me. Never does he show public affection but flees from me to talk to anyone else. When men come to hit on me - he doesn't give 2 shits.
I tell him all the time I feel like a burden and I think about suicide a lot, as a comfort to and I am starting to think that he may be wants me too, or is possibly egging me on. I went to the hospital for an MRI and they seemed to pick up on my depression and severity of the situation and tried to keep me in the psych department to get some help and just talk to someone and he came screaming and was FURIOUS (he never advocates for me for a cup of water in the hospital and is totally non-confrontational normally with anyone but me) and demanded they let me go. I took him aside and said maybe I should stay, that I needed help and they were going to try to help me. He SCREAMED and said that now he knows I really am crazy and that we both know they will just lock me up, change my meds all around, and make me even sicker, for 72 hours and charge us a fortune, He was probably right about that.
But I have told him that I have laid awake at night fantasizing about the nest ways to commit suicide and spend time looking this up on the internet to self sooth when he screams about what a cunt I am and how I am useless and crazy.
I am so afraid to lose him. I would be all alone. I feel like I will end up in a horrible nursing home, alone, forvever
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I am a very attractive woman, married still, coming up on 15 years, and a horrible surgical accident during an emergency procedure left me unable to have sex, and permanently disabled, as well as chronically depressed. I already suffered from PTSD and neurological disorder when we met and he said he was okay with that and knew what he was getting into. I have been, until just recently due to doctor's DEMAND working 100 hours a week because he won't accept that I am disabled. But he has changed from rushing to help and comfort me when I (rarely) fall down and cry out to laughing at me or getting angry and saying I am pathetic and he is disgusted by me. It is not like I cry wolf. Just recently, I had a grand mal seizure in the ER waiting room. I am desperately afraid he will leave me and our marriage has become dangerously at risk of falling apart . I always do what I can to keep him satisfied in other ways, but I have not gotten any reciprocity and feel like a masturbatory robot. I have offered and even encouraged bringing another woman into the bedroom ONLY becuase I am a realist, and I am okay with it as long as I know about it, and if he does cheat somehow, like something just happens to please tell me so I just don't feel foolish. I was married before, to a straight up abusive womanizing cheater, and left him for this man who I thought was so kind and empathetic.
October 22, 2016 - 6:43pmI am hit on by men constantly 20 years younger to 20 years older my age range (I try very hard to keep my disability invisible, but most everyone knows something is "wrong" with me and I have seizures)
SO I KNOW I am still pretty, most people really like me when they meet me. But I was bedridden for I long time, and I do like to be alone a lot because of the chronic depression, so maybe I am the problem and people don't really like me, just the first impression or they feel like they have to pretend to be nice to the crippled girl or whatever.
I cannot figure out if he gaslights me and makes me feel like I am a loser and crazy by calling me names and always yelling at me but saying he is not yelling, and such things, and trashing my confidence - becuase my friends will perceive something I do as really important and say nice things - like being interviewed on TV and he won't bother to watch, let alone weigh in. Usually he will pick a fight with me, right before the event in question so I start crying and make a mess of the mascara and makeup it took me forever to put on and start to turn red and have swollen frog eyes. I just want to scream WHYYYYYYY???
He says that he loves me but I am not an idiot and am really good at reading social cues and facial expressions/body language. When we are at home, out in public, anywhere, and our eyes meet across the room - the expression on his face is not love, it is the opposite of love. It is the kind if I hate you, and everything you say, I have heard that story before and I want to smash your fucking face in, you are an embarrassment to me. Never does he show public affection but flees from me to talk to anyone else. When men come to hit on me - he doesn't give 2 shits.
I tell him all the time I feel like a burden and I think about suicide a lot, as a comfort to and I am starting to think that he may be wants me too, or is possibly egging me on. I went to the hospital for an MRI and they seemed to pick up on my depression and severity of the situation and tried to keep me in the psych department to get some help and just talk to someone and he came screaming and was FURIOUS (he never advocates for me for a cup of water in the hospital and is totally non-confrontational normally with anyone but me) and demanded they let me go. I took him aside and said maybe I should stay, that I needed help and they were going to try to help me. He SCREAMED and said that now he knows I really am crazy and that we both know they will just lock me up, change my meds all around, and make me even sicker, for 72 hours and charge us a fortune, He was probably right about that.
But I have told him that I have laid awake at night fantasizing about the nest ways to commit suicide and spend time looking this up on the internet to self sooth when he screams about what a cunt I am and how I am useless and crazy.
I am so afraid to lose him. I would be all alone. I feel like I will end up in a horrible nursing home, alone, forvever
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