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A couple of days ago, a woman wrote to me in the "ASK Michelle" section and told me her heartfelt, honest, and I think heart-wrenching story about her ill husband, who has multiple sclerosis, and the very real difficulties about living with someone who has changed in so many ways over the years. Many of the changes have affected his personality and made him very difficult to live with at times. I wrote her back and told her how I could totally see where she was coming from in terms of her emotions, and that I understood what she was saying. But I also wanted to post her story here (see below), so others could see it and reply to her and give her more suggestions, support and a sense of hope and that she is not alone. Please, if anyone has anything they'd like to tell her, I would really appreciate it--I'm sending her this link so she can watch for more replies. For example, do you know of another woman who has gone through this, and/or do you know of any resources for her? Thank you everyone!
"I am a 37year old female, well educated and completely healthy. I married my husband 8 years ago, knowing that he has multiple sclerosis. He was a vibrant, fun, clever and interesting person. Over the past 8 years, he has physically deteriorated (developed seizures, incontinence, difficulty walking distances, had a pulmonary embolism and now suffers from depression (but who wouldn't)). He no longer works, he stays home and does some household chores, is obsessed with our finances (we are doing ok), is mean and angry, hardly talks to me, hasn't held me or made love to me in years and honestly I don't even think that he likes me. I really think that I could deal with the physical limitations, it's the emotional stuff that is wearing me down. I've been seeing a counselor who asks me "How much more are you willing to take?" and I just don't know anymore. I'm so lonely and feel so trapped. He refuses to see a counselor or psychiatrist. I feel like an awful person for even thinking of leaving him, but I'm so unhappy that I don't know what else to do. I guess my question is "what kind of woman leaves a sick spouse?"
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I hear you- a chronic illness is a real stressor and many marriages break down over time. I'm a spousal caregiver and over the last few years my husband's health has deteriorated due to obesity, resulting in heart and kidney problems. I wonder what's left of the relationship we began with. If I were one of your good friends, I'd be worried about your new living-together relationship. A new relationship with someone healthier and kinder to you looks pretty attractive after dealing with years of illness and negativity. The age difference with your new guy is a factor too. I sound like I'm raining on your parade but I think we have to take some time to get to know ourselves again and heal after a marriage ends. I'm not saying that developing a new relationship is wrong but the living together seems to have happened quickly. I know you're feeling guilty but a person can only endure so much. I wish you lots of happy times ahead.
December 12, 2016 - 11:14pmThis Comment
Hi,
You tried your best to help your ex, however, it doesn't sound like he is willing to accept responsibility for his actions. You need to forgive yourself and get rid of that guilt you are feeling and embrace your new life! Life is for living! Good luck.
November 9, 2016 - 8:34amThis Comment
My girlfriend of 2 years has stage 4 cancer. She likely only has a few months left now, however since her diagnosis she has become progressively more abusive to me.
In any ordinary situation I have enough self respect that I'd have left after the first torrent of abuse. However, I stuck around because I figured it 'wasn't really her'. It's just a symptom of the stress she's under both emotionally and physically and she needs me now more than ever.
Now the abuse is constant and quite extreme. I'm at the end of my tether as far as 'being the good guy' and tolerating the abuse. I swallow my pride every day and try to make her feel loved as she throws hate back at me. Today, although I'm ashamed to admit it' I realised I want her to die soon so I can get on with my life. This is never a person I wanted to be. I think I'm better off leaving the relationship now (even with only a few months on the clock) than to become someone so jaded any cynical that I secretly hope for the death of someone I once loved. It's an awfully conflicting situation to be in.
I've read alot of the comments here. To all the people that feel conflicted leaving their partners. I understand. I stand by you and respect you decision whatever it may be. I don't think terminal illness makes abuse excusable. I wish you the best in future.
October 26, 2016 - 10:26pmThis Comment
I understand completely. :(
April 29, 2017 - 4:23pmThis Comment
I wasn't sure if I should post here but the comments have been very helpful for me so even though this is an old article I want to share any way. I have been in my marrige 5 years. We have been together for 10 years. It has been a long and abusive 10 years with a lot of emotional and mental abuse. My husband has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. He has had it about 4 years and it has gotten worse over the last year. The abuse became minimal when he got sick because he didn't have the energy. We have 6 kids between us. My husband stopped working over a year ago. So our finances are in crisis. SSI doesn't see CFS as a real issue and there is no relief so the responsibility for most everything is on me. Our finances, chores, raising our kids, all of it. I don't want to be intimate. I have no interest. There is no attraction. It hurts him. His emotional needs aren't being met. I can't force myself to feel something I don't feel. He lashes out, calls me names, hurts his children with words, he threatens us. There are times when we fear for our lives. If I leave he will have nothing. I am so lost.
October 22, 2016 - 1:29pmThis Comment
OMG I'm not the only one!
April 19, 2017 - 2:40amI am struggling with my marriage and totally understand. I have been married 18 years and have 3 children. My husband was diagnosed with NMO, a condition similar to MS. He stopped work just over a year ago and struggling to come to terms with his condition. I have asked him to speak with a professional but he refuses.
My children and I feel like we are walking on egg shells. We have no idea what mood he will be in or just the slightest thing triggers him off. He is abusive, puts us down, screams and carrys on
It's come to the point that I don't want to go home after work. My eldest is 16 and she tells me we are better off without him. It's killing me.
I am becoming depressed and feel numb. I can understand his frustration but I'm worried my kids will be scarred and it will be my fault. No win situation....
This Comment
I am in a 27 year marriage. My husband is diabetic with neuropathy. As a result he is now a bilateral below knee amputee. He hasn't worked for at least 8 years but I work full time. He is in a lot of pain with the neuropathy. He also struggles with constant bathroom issues and has the scoriatic arthritis which along with the neuropathy really hurts his hands and arms. I do everything that I can for him but he is often angry and mean. He is frustrated because he can't get ssi because I earn too much. I would love to have my own place away from him but near so that I can still help him and so he could the. Have some money of his own. He feels very down with no income at all. I do love him and don't want a divorce. I just need a little space and he needs to be able to have some of his own money and space as well. Just can't describe the frustrations on a daily basis. It's hard when he forgets I'm just as broke as he is AND I still am trying to do the best I can for both of us. But I have the extra challenge of someone that is constantly yelling, name calling, criticizing me and angry! I would do it all everyday with not a second thought if only he wasn't so angry and nasty.
October 21, 2016 - 2:54pmThis Comment
God I thought I was alone. I've been reading all your comments and get it..
December 2, 2016 - 3:32pmI've been married for 26 years., towards the last 5 years of our married it wasn't good.. we had drifted apart.. I have always loved my husband but felt left down.. I suppose if I'm honest I've always been the stronger out of the two.. the bread winner decision maker with the buck always stopping with me..
It's been hard and lonely with little or no support.. Then just as I was deciding that it was time to make a split.. He gets ill.. first with a diagnoses of heart disease and then without much improvement to his health a diagnoses with MSA.. an awful condition that strips you of all mobility and continance and eventually speech .. life expectancy is 5 to 7 years.. of major dependency..
All affection from my husband stopped a couple of years back.. we don't even share the same bed as he suffers with nightmares..
I spend night after night on my own and day in day out working to provide for us.. it's very hard and very lonely.. I have completely sacrificed my happiness to keep my husband comfortable., I find my self sometimes thinking I hope this all ends soon.. So after years of raising family fighting to pay Bill's and run business on my own ...that my life before its too late may start for me... and then I feelmdreadful for thinkinb like that., when my poor husband didn't ask for any of his lot., I don't no what to do.
This Comment
I am facing 40 years of marriage with an antagonistic, self righteous, sick man. Please Don't anyone preach to me. I have been following Christ and the Bible all my life. (That's why I haven't divorced him!) When does this abusive man become accountable? He wasn't a nice man before he got sick, now he is unbearable. When do I get loved? When do I get treated like a real person: God knows I've survived him because of my own strength and my FAITH!
If you can make a positive and helpful comment, please do so!!!
October 16, 2016 - 9:33pmThis Comment
Hi, Please forgive me if I sound disrespectful but I feel that a lot of religion is there to keep women down and in their place. I can't believe that any loving God would want you to be treated in such a disrespectful way. The question is when are you going to expect and get respect rather than when does this abusive man become responsible? Easy for me to say I know but honestly life is way to precious and short to be treated so badly.
October 17, 2016 - 5:03amThis Comment