Living with and possibly leaving a sick spouse - a heartfelt story from a reader looking for advice

I found this thread by accident but it struck a chord with me. I met my husband 9 years ago, and we knew from day one we were soul mates, we moved to the south with my two tween children and started a life together. Three years in he decided he hated my children and started venbally abusing the kids and I, name calling degrading, threatening, insulting, emotional and verbal abuse of the highest order. I hung in thinking something MUST be wrong...and it was. He went down 3 years ago april with what they though was COPD at the young at of 47 and was dying. I made a gargantuan effort to safe him by getting a job in a larger city and moving our family there to be near a hospital that did lung transplants as they said that was what he needed. I found us a beautiful home to rent so he could be in nice surroundings through his illness, in a beatuful place near lots of cool things we could take him to do as he was in a wheelchair now. When then next time he suffered an attack and lost o2 levels, i took him to one of the top 10 hospitals in the country. What they did find what a rare blood disease and 3 brain tumors. AHA! They put in into chemo and his emotional abuse turned from bad to worse and then the threats, the calls to my job, the control and intimidation began. halfway through the chemo, he decided we were horrible vile disgusting people and left, ran away out west. He then was deemed four months later unable to take care of himself and expected to return to me. I said no, so his family took him there. He went thru my chemo and almost died, all the while daily calling to scream at me what a terrible person i am and how i caused all of his ills. he now wants to reconcile, and honestly i dont think i have it in me, so i understand all your comments. It is SO draining...where did my strong handsome amazing husband GO?

Sad but resigned

Anonymous for safety

Hey there, you are definitely not alone. In a few weeks we will be celebrating our 8th anniversary and today I stumbled up on this because I am in the same situation as you. Just before the birth of our second daughter who is now 4, my wife started complaining about all kinds of pains: foot, back, hands shaking, you name it. Basically every time I came home and opened the door, the first thing I heard was: I am glad you are home because one more negative thing happened. This accumulated and only made me feel like not coming home. Now, let me mention that on top of that of the two of us, she has had nothing but my support in the jobs she wants to work, most of them part-time while I have had no choice but to work full-time so we could live decently. Now the latest thing is that she has endometriosis and that added more physical limitations to our relationship than before. She went through a laparoscopy and that didn't help one bit. Everyday she is in pain to the point where she doesn't do much for chores around the house. I am on the same boat as you, I have been asking myself what's best for me and the kids? Leaving her now, it is very clear that the kids will live in a mess but at the same time, I am not happy and have not been in longtime. I feel like I have roommate more than a spouse.

I too am in the same position. Dating someone with MS . We have been together 3 years and I have known him for about 17 years. I feel very neglected at times. I also feel like I have my whole life ahead of me and am being held back and weighed down. I accommodate so much. I am always there. The times I barely am away he tells me he wants me home because he is sick. Sometimes I feel like I can't have anytime to myself. When we do go out I feel like I am not having fun from always worrying about him or hearing him complain. I think about life before I was dating him. I was free, myself and not miserable. I love him but with the lack of intimacy, conversation, adventure and affection I feel very lonely. I want to leave so bad but I too feel stuck and horrible for thinking that way. You are not alone. Most times I feel like no one understands me. This post really hit home.

I have been married for 12 years to a person I thought was perfect for me. We had a great relationship until my second daughter was born. She had "colic" ---gerd, milk protein allergy, etc. She was very difficult to deal with for the first several month, but she is now a wonderful, loving 7 year old! During this time, things went bad with my husband's job and he was taking it out on me and the girls...even the cats. No denying that he was emotionally abusive to me for a LONG time. This started about 4 years into our marriage. He started having trouble with GI issues and ultimately now has Crohns/UC. All of this has changed his personality for the worse. He's pushed me away from him with his behavior and I don't have a desire to get closer. It came out in therapy about 3 years ago that he doesn't respect me and resents me. Everything we talk about is -him-.

We are still together but I think daily about how long I can deal with his behavior with this illness and his job issues. He is literally always complaining about something, and he doesn't deal well with the girls and I fear for their mental health as they grow older.

I am seeing a therapist so I can try to determine what is best for me and the girls. I don't work now and I fear what life as a single mother would be, but when I look at how my girls will most likely benefit---I don't know.

He will start looking for a new job soon and we may be moving somewhere new in a year or two. I really do not want to lose my friends as a support system. There is no guarantee that things will get better if we move, and if they sour (his health, job, our relationship, the girls) I am stuck with no support system.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? I've really simplified the story but this is the jist.

Thanks

All of you have been so helpful. My husband has caused me to know agony and this was before he had cardiac 5. Now a year and a couple months later I ended up in the er today with an ischemia stroke. he decided to leave today and leave his 11 year old son.
I'm ecstatic he's such a viscous human being. now I can take care of my son and myself. WE WILL BE GOOD!!

I am a 46 year old professional and for the first time in ten years I feel hope because I now realize that I am not alone in my journey. As I read the story, I fealt like someone was inside my head and telling MY story. My husband has been physically ill for most of our ten year marriage and as a result we have been basically roommates for eight years with no physically intimacy. I feel incredibly lonely a majority of the time but because I'm a person of faith I try to wear a "happy" face so family and friends won't know my pain. Unfortunately I don't have any secret tricks up my sleeve to share but do want you to know you're not alone and I understand your very private pain. Take care of YOU and know that you are NOT a bad person for feeling the way you feel. You are simply human!

I feel like I have come here really... to work out what I should do.

I have been with my partner for 4 years. We are in the process of buying a house together. I'm 29 and he's in his late 30s. When we met, I knew he had some mild depression, but since we met he has developed chronic pain and chronic fatigue which has gotten gradually worse over these 4 years. We are looking at marriage and children in the next few years, so I am really at a decision point...

I love him, and he loves me, and I know some elements of our relationship do work well. But this is the only relationship I've ever really had, and I don't know if I can really deal with signing myself up for another 50-odd years of deteriorating health. As his pain worsens, so does his depression, and it means we cannot do any of the things I see all of the couples around me doing - there's no fun, there are no weekends away, no days out, because he cannot predict how ill he will be, and he spends most of his free time in bed, trying to recover his energy from working. He's terrified of soon being unable to work because of the pain. We both work long hours, and 80-90% of the household chores have to fall to me - it worries me what this would mean if we did have children.

We have sex maybe 2-3 times a year, (and I have to beg for it..!) and he does not let me touch him.

At this point I feel like I have to decide one way or another - do I marry this man? I do love him. But not knowing any other relationship and having so much of my life left to live... I just don't know what to do.