Living with and possibly leaving a sick spouse - a heartfelt story from a reader looking for advice

My mother has MS and has since I was a teenager, so I understand I struggles of living with someone affected by this disease. Most of the people don't seem to know anything about MS and it's long term implications. I have met a few different people with this disease and one thing most have in common are personality changes, if you do any research you will see that it is because of the changes in their brain, it isn't based in depression. Many people have to leave a spouse who has MS because they can even become dangerous because of a lack of impulse control and anger issues. . This woman has to see that in the long run it will be in her best interest to leave.

I too am 37. In 2012 my Husband of 10 years was diagnosed with Cardiomyopathy with advanced heart failure. Our marriage had become strained leading up to his diagnosis, his moods had changed, he started gaining weight, and his libido had dropped. After the diagnosis he became very depressed and was in denial about his health. I started to resent him a lot. As he got sicker his personality changed more. He was no longer the giant teddy bear I married, he was more like an angry Grizzly. I started to consider divorcing him because he was making the kids and I miserable. The day we found out that he would need major heart surgery to bridge him to transplant I told him I was considering divorce because it was really becoming too much for us. I told him that he had to quit work, get on Social Security, and do what the doctors ask. I expressed to him how his behavior was effecting the rest of us. Some may of thought it was insensitive, but he understood and did his best to change. We stayed together and I saw him through the surgery, rehab, multiple hospital stays, and additional surgeries that led to a 3 month stay in the hospital during the 2015 holidays. I stayed as the surgeries failed, I stayed as multiple organs failed, I stayed until he quietly slipped into a coma on 1/30/2016, and I stayed until he peacefully passed away at 42 years old, from a terrible, incurable brain bleed. The point that I am making is that my husband was my best friend. I loved him with all my heart. I realize now after losing him just 5 short weeks ago, that the only reason that I wanted to leave him was because I did not think that I was strong enough to watch him go through everything that I knew that he was going to go through. I knew from the beginning that he only had a 40% chance of survival and those odds went down every year that he did not receive a new heart. I am so grateful that I was able to spend those last couple of years with my best friend. We had more bad days then good, but I focused all my energy into the good days.

Hi , I have to laugh at some of these comments .. I know every bodies situation is different so I'm not judging . I was the one who was left after being Dxed with MS because my Ex said she didn't want to be a nurse for me , which she never was . I would have never even thought twice (I don't think) if she was sick and I would have had to take care of her. In fact over 18 years , she never worked and I did take care of her every need off my $300grand plus income. Fast forward 10 years later I'm fine . Just needed a little time and I was kind of a asshole and depressed for awhile back then t. I have a new wife that's much younger , prettier and understanding on my bad days . My ex calls often and leaves messages of how much of a mistake she made . The laughable thing is that the grass wasn't greener for her anyway. She has been recently Dxed with cancer , has to work just to live a shitty existence. I learned a huge lessen from the whole thing and changed the way I trust people or think about marriage . Every body will get sick or need help if you live long enough and sometimes its just a bump in the road . Life is great even at its worst ..

He is mean and angry. I think it is time to stop blaming his behavior and treatment of you on his medical problems. Sure, he has medical problems. Sure, you want to be understanding. But he is also a human being. If he is treating you so badly you should not be made to feel guilty because you want to leave. He will survive without you. You can check up on him occasionally. His illness does not automatically make you a victim of abuse, and you do NOT have to feel guilty about not accepting this. Putting a guilt trip on YOU because HE is abusive is the typical domestic violence problem. Blame the victim. But you keep seeing HIM as the victim. Stop blaming this all on his medical problems and expect him to treat you like a human being, or leave him.

Hello, I am 41 years old and my husband had liver disease. We have been married 16 years today. He was on the liver transplant list for for three years but sick a total of six years. Being married to someone who is very sick isn't easy, especially for the ones who is caring for them. I felt like nothing I did was enough, he always told me how thankful he was to have me, but his ammonia level would go up and he was a total different person, nothing I said eased him, nothing I did helped the situation and once his levels come down it was a totally different environment, he didn't remember anything and to be honest his sickness took over my life. I was always on the computer trying to find ways to cook better for him, trying to find things that would help his health overall, plus worked a full time job and took care of two teenagers. Sometimes I wanted to give up, there were days I didn't know how I was going to find the energy to do what I needed to do. All I could do is pray that god would get me through this. October 9,2015 we received a gift, he received his new liver. Within days the man I married 16 years ago was back, he only stayed in the hospital 6 days, they called him the miracle transplant patient. We still have our ups and downs, its only been three months but I have to remind myself that its only been three months. I guess I thought once he received his new liver our lives would go back the way they were. I've realized that our life will never be back 100 percent but it will be close. Please keep your faith, I know its hard, I know your tired and wanting to give up. I want to let you all know that I will keep each and everyone of you in my thoughts and prayers.

It is so sad to see so many people struggling with illness on these pages and the caregivers fighting to 'do the right thing'- feeling guilty for resenting the situation they're in and struggling to redefine relationships which are no longer fulfilling. In every post there is pain and suffering evident on both sides. Those who are sick feel powerless, angry and helpless, and those who are trying to care for the other- feel just as powerless, angry and helpless. Dealing with chronic illness is purgatory for all involved and seems insurmountable. I have a sick spouse who is too ill to work diagnosed with both cancer and advanced kidney disease, three children, a tough job and not much of a social life outside of the daily grind. Why do I stay? I think it is a deep seated sense of morality, compassion and love for the family unit as a whole. We don't have a relationship that could be considered normal in any way and the illness has changed both of us. Certainly this wasn't what I expected when we married 20 years ago. I am angry about it and it is unfair- but it's unfair on him and the children too.

I think we should all applaud our collective resilience and remember to find the light and fun where we can. Be good and kind to yourselves and keep hope alive. Life is a precious and wonderful thing. Don't waste it.