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We've been dating for over a yer now but in the last few months our sex has drastically decreased at first started to go down from at least 1-2 times a day for at least 5 months and then it went down to 1-2 times a week and then to 1-2 times a month and now it's been a month and a half since we've had sex. I've read a few articles about this allready, but none seem to fit my problem exactly. I was worried for a while that it might be me that was the problem and but he told me it wasn't and i know he wouldn't lie to me. I've asked him about it but he says theres nothing wrong. I just don't know what to do anymore. He's only a year older than me and he's suppose to be in hes prime. Is there anything I can do? I Haven't pressured him or anything because I dont want him to do it just to shut me up. I want him to want to. and I'm just not satistied anymore and im not asking for everyday, at this point once or twice a week would be nice. A far as I know there's nothing he's stressed about at work or school, could it be a cobination of the 2? or something else going on that I don't know about? and please keep in mind that im am searching for help and advice and I don't want to hear find a new boyfriend. I love him and im not leaving him, even if it means were not going to have sex anymore. But it's frustration for the time being as I find it a tad odd that I want it more than he does. and I don't really want to talk to any of my friends abotu it because I live in a small town and this is personal and I don't need everyone talking about it. and the last thing I want him to feel is embarassed. I havn't told anyone of my friends but I'm in need of some advice. Any Ideas?
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Add a Comment1230 Comments
hi i'm a guy and just wanted to put my 2 cents in. I think often when this happens there is an underlying problem with the guy, often due to stress. When this happens what they really need is sympathy. And lots and lots and lots of TLC (the regular kind, not the sex kind). But they're too afraid to admit this or the fact that they have a problem...because they're a guy...so they just go all closed up about it. And they expect the lady to just "guess" what the problem is, which isn't really fair, but an unfortunate truth about my gender! Hope that helps someone!
August 19, 2009 - 12:28amThis Comment
Thank you guy! I'm sure women appreciate this piece of jewel of information from a guy's point of view.
At least you are self-aware...not all men are.
So, Tender Loving Care (TLC) consists of maybe a back rub, a foot rub, sympathy, lending an ear, understanding, maybe his favorite home cooked casserole dish? So when he receives this TLC, and everything is all fine and dandy, will he finally get down and dirty and all randy? Oh never mind..you mean he needs TLC minus the ulterior motive...got it!
August 23, 2009 - 9:33amThis Comment
I personally think it's an insecurity thing with the man. The guy does not feel good about himself, or his body image, whatever, and he is inhibited. He feels bad by being put on the spot by you, because sex hardly happens between you too unless you initiate. So to me, it's as plain as day. When he drinks, he loses his inhibition, therefore that's the only time he would initiate sex with you.
I think that is what a lot of the problem with the men are. For some reason, when you are both new, there is less inhibition because it's new; you're new, your bodies are something new to explore. But once it gets old, the inhibitions and self-doubts creeps in, real life and problems creeps in. When you are new in the relationship you are still in the euphoria stage. Without so much of that now, sex is a little scarier.
August 17, 2009 - 10:26pmThis Comment
thank you for the advice. I'm somewhat relived that you didnt think he is cheating. I understand what you are saying but what can I do? I told him I wasnt going to tell him anything about that anymore anymore, but still nothing. I really dont know what to do...this situation really upsets me.
August 18, 2009 - 4:36pmThis Comment
Oh how I wish I only knew what to tell you what you should do!
August 18, 2009 - 8:13pmI have no clue! I am in the same position here as everyone else.
If I ever solved my own problem, trust me I'll let you women in on it.
I'll help you out...
You've heard people's opinions here are: you have a choice.
You can either leave and find a different man (though there is no 100% guarantee, you won't be faced with the same problems later on, or early on.)
You can stay and try to find solutions, however long that may take.
But my advice is if you do stay, please don't be resigned to do nothing about it. Try to always be looking out for the solution. But also, don't be so focused on the problem. Work on your relationship itself, which is the most important. Take care that your relationship is being tended to. To borrow from Jewel's song:
***
Love is a garden if you let it go.
It fades away before you know.
And love is a garden it needs help to grow.
Ours is starving but there's still hope.
Come on, baby, and I'll feed ya on kisses.
Come on, baby, let's make up for what we've been missing.
Come on, baby, baby, come home.
***
It's really upsetting--I know. But I think it upsets our man too. Don't you think?
I think as men and women, we are all looking for the "same" thing. They just deal with it differently. They clam up. They don't initiate. They are not feeling like having sex. Who knows why! Sex can be a complex thing. All I can say is, hang in there.
This Comment
I am having the same problem. The first thing that comes to my mind is that he might have cheated on me. I know if I try to ask him he will deny it, because I dont think if he did do that he would tell me. But anyway he's just not interested anymore. Our relationship is good we have a good time together and well i stay over his place all the time. Our only problem is the sex issue. I know hes not depressed or stressed. Thats what makes me feel worse because I have no idea whats wrong I try to talk to him about it and he says I bother with the same thing everyday. We do have sex once a week If im lucky, but its still not the same because that once a week that we do have sex is because i start it and well i feel that he does it to shut me up. The only thing that I know is different is that he recently started taking some diet pills i dont know if that could be doing anything. The other thing that i have noticed is that the times he does want it without me starting it is when he has a few drinks. please I need some advise.
August 16, 2009 - 1:53pmThis Comment
Enlightened... Thanks for the comment you made.
August 14, 2009 - 1:38pmI have been through a little of this and that. BUT you gotta go through to know it! :)
I also know that you can teach people through your own experiences. They have to have their own. But I always hope that maybe some piece of what you might offer, of what you have learned. Might make their journey a little bit more guided and thus a little less pain and suffering.
Thanks for what you shared as well... well worded!
Thanks again for being sweet!
This Comment
Well thank you for being sweet too, Texasgirl. I totally agree you can teach people short cuts...and it is to anyone's best interest to avoid mistakes and landmines...I mean they don't have to go through the battle and acquire the battlewounds to come out ahead, they can avoid the painful experience. Your comments here are very much appreciated. It's probably hard to hear to some, especially when people are not ready to change. Afterall, the decision to change comes entirely from a person. No mater how helpful you are, if a person is not ready to change all your advice is for naught. However, it might be just the seed that you planted that start to work in them, and in time, they will be ready to see clearly and ready to change. You know there are people who complain out there, it doesn't have to be a sex issue, but other complaints in life...but in reality, they are attached to it...they won't have it any other way. I know someone like that, she complains about not having enough personal time, and I tell her, well you can always say no to family / relative obligations (that is not life or death)...she replies with oh, no! It's a family obligation, I have to do it. So I know she is addicted to her misery. Her habit of complaining is just that, a habit...she's not unhappy about her situation, she is attached to it and cannot leave it. Change will be too scary. People who reallly want to change will not see themselves as helpless, they will do something in their utmost power about it. But I'm rambling...
August 15, 2009 - 10:44pmThis Comment
I have been with my girlfiend for about 13 years now. Never maried, just living together. She has always told me she is waiting on me to initiate. And I have always told her, If I do I should get some kind of response within a reasonable amount of time or I can assume you are not interested. I have never been the beat on my chest and take my woman when I want, type of person. Besides that would get old real quick. But when I lay next to her and rub her leg and kiss her back, and I get no response at all, then get blamed for not taking her like a man. Sometimes us men don't know what we should do. So now we just both lay in bed and hope the other does something, if not we both just go to sleep. Sometimes that can go on for three or more weeks. Then when we do have sex, I last all of three minutes when I used to last for hours. Well that just made things worse, and afaid to do it again for fear of lasting that long again. I know we should have more sex, but we put ourselves in this rut where it made us both unapproachable to eachother.
August 14, 2009 - 12:43pmThis Comment
To Anonymous man,
I appreciate you writing here and being open about voicing your perspective. This is the kind of response us woman would like to hear so we can better understand! I can totally understand your point of view. I guess we women have to be more sensitive and attentive to clues, and encourage you men. Hear that, fellow ladies?
I agree, it is counter-productive when both partners are waiting on each other. It's a stalemate. You don't go anywhere. I know the problem don't just lay on one partner...usually it is both. Correction, in fact it is both.
I think it will take one to be the hero (Oh no! I'm sounding like Dr. Phil) to save the relationship. Someone has to be the courageous one...Someone has to lose the ego, lose the pride, to save the relationship. One has to give in to save the relationship. If both won't back down, then both will just lie like a stiff log in bed. I think partners just need to open up, and talk! Stop blaming each other and drop all resentments and forgive and just start fresh. I think this is the only way in order to move on and rekindle any intimacy.
No guts, no glory.
Again, thanks for your input, man. Anonymous man.
August 15, 2009 - 10:59pmThis Comment