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We've been dating for over a yer now but in the last few months our sex has drastically decreased at first started to go down from at least 1-2 times a day for at least 5 months and then it went down to 1-2 times a week and then to 1-2 times a month and now it's been a month and a half since we've had sex. I've read a few articles about this allready, but none seem to fit my problem exactly. I was worried for a while that it might be me that was the problem and but he told me it wasn't and i know he wouldn't lie to me. I've asked him about it but he says theres nothing wrong. I just don't know what to do anymore. He's only a year older than me and he's suppose to be in hes prime. Is there anything I can do? I Haven't pressured him or anything because I dont want him to do it just to shut me up. I want him to want to. and I'm just not satistied anymore and im not asking for everyday, at this point once or twice a week would be nice. A far as I know there's nothing he's stressed about at work or school, could it be a cobination of the 2? or something else going on that I don't know about? and please keep in mind that im am searching for help and advice and I don't want to hear find a new boyfriend. I love him and im not leaving him, even if it means were not going to have sex anymore. But it's frustration for the time being as I find it a tad odd that I want it more than he does. and I don't really want to talk to any of my friends abotu it because I live in a small town and this is personal and I don't need everyone talking about it. and the last thing I want him to feel is embarassed. I havn't told anyone of my friends but I'm in need of some advice. Any Ideas?
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Add a Comment1230 Comments
Please do not marry this man. He has proven he doesn't care about your feeling's and needs. I have a boyfriend/-ex-husband that is the same way. Nothing in the bedroom anymore and I KNOW he has had several affairs on me when we were married. Run....don't be stupid like me and lose all your self-respect.
September 20, 2009 - 11:09pmThis Comment
Thank you 45 yr. old anonymous for your message here...that helps. I am a 40 y.o. woman myself, never married, and not living in with my boyfriend, nor have lived in with anyone. My personal choice.
I like what you are doing! I think around the same time. Before I met my current bf, I had my own small junior bedroom apartment., I did not have a TV in my bedroom. I do believe the TV is a distraction from any bedroom action.
Let me just make a note to say...women do not have to "do" all the time, and feel like they have to do all
the work, the strain, the worrying, which I see a lot from women who write here (yes, myself included).
So yes, while all the things you say here helps, the difference is you are already "there" with your man...what I mean to say is you've already got him "into" you. The problem with many women here is they are disengaged with the man. And therein lies the problem. : )
What I suggest is a lot honest of self-analysis...just observe yourself, as if you are standing next to you. Watch how you are in other relationships in your life, not just your significant other. Trust me, you will learn a lot! I am doing this myself at the moment...
When you observe yourself, be kind to yourself, and you don't have to do anything different, you are just observing for now, and learning about yourself.
I may just be blabbing...but then again, I may make sense to some people more tuned in...
Lastly, I realize sometimes it just post "Anonymous", so it is me, Enlightened. However, I don't claim to be.
September 9, 2009 - 7:31amThis Comment
I have been with my partner for nearly 11 years and in 7 weeks time we are getting married. He is 42 and I am 33.
We have not had sex for at least 9 years (actually I can not remember when and what the last time was like it was that long ago). Prior to this we would have sex at least once or twice each time we saw each other.
At first when the sex stopped I did not take much notice or question it as we were still seeing each other and going out enoying ourselves. He is my first and only so also did not really know what to expect.
After quite a while I strated to question him why we were no longer intimate. He said it was because he had pain caused by kidney stones/infection. I accepted this and did not push the subject. After a while I got used to not having sex or so I thought and let this situation continue. However in the end I did start asking him again but he still kept telling me he had problems with the kidney stones and that he was getting it sorted. 2 years ago he did go to hospital for tests but they told him that he was ok and had probably already passed them.
During this time I have been told that he has cheated on me but there has never been any proof so I have dismissed this. After the tests he said it give time and he would be ok.
In December he moved in with me and my family so that we could save for the wedding (which he inititated)/house. This made me feel that he was committed to our relationship and that he loved me. However living with my family is another excuse as we cannot share a room as my grandparents also live there and they are religious.
In June we went a way on holiday for two weeks and still nothing. At night I would get a quick kiss and then he would turnover and go to sleep. This all makes me feel unattractive and unwanted. It nearly caused me to have an affair when on holiday (which I never have felt before) as I was very attracted to a local we got friendly with and he made his attentions obvious.
On return from holiday I actually got quite blunt with my partner and told him what nearly happened as was missing the intimacy with him. He told me he knew it was his fault and that he would sort it but you cannot rush things. We had a weekend away booked to go and visit family and friends. So I thought this would be when things might change as we would be staying in an appartment on our own. How wrong I was. It was exactly the same except this time he was tired or had drunk too much.
We are now 13 weeks on and the only thing that has changed is that I might get the odd extra kiss or cuddle but this just seems to be when other people are around (I might be imagining this due to my frustration). I am beginning to see him as a brother/friend as I care about him and enjoy his company as we have good times when we go out. The longer this is going on I am actually getting to the point that I do not want him to touch me or be intimate especially since I met the other man on holiday.
I do not know what to do as the wedding is in 7 weeks but feel that I can not live in a relationship with no sex but I also cannot imagine not being with my partner. I am also scared that I will eventually cheat on him. What should I do?
September 8, 2009 - 5:32amThis Comment
I wrote the post on Sep 3 8:45 PM.
To the person who asked me what he's doing on the computer, he is playing video games, as do I pretty often. We are both into online gaming (mmorpg).
To the person who asked if he's cheating, no way. My boyfriend and I are barely apart, and if we are, it's because I run up to the store or something. We are both currently unemployed. Our relationship is wonderful, tonight he just did the sweetest things for me. Cheating is not possible, and my boyfriend does not like porn (imagine that!?) I have a wonderful love, but something is just not so right with the sex life right now. I could be overreacting though, I mean, I'm actually sort of content with everything, mainly I'm wanting to have sex so badly lately because it's been a while.
September 5, 2009 - 6:57pmThis Comment
Hi everybody....
OK, so we all have the same problems, but it seems to me that most of you have written here only once... I wonder wheather anyone has solved the problem... or moved forward in any way... With me, it´s still the same, but I´ve been visiting a therapist and she told me to be with my bf less and devote my time to things I like doing alone, without my bf. So this is also an idea, maybe we could, girls, go for a trip somewhere together:D
September 5, 2009 - 3:44amThis Comment
I'm sure you have your answer now and probably have solved your issue or have moved on, but like you I would be worried to. Many men love sex and can't get their mind of it. Considering that you had sex quite often in the beginning and now it has faded, you don't think he is cheating do you? I know you love him and you believe he loves you to, but sometimes love can be blinding and the simplest things can be right in front of our faces and we don't see it. I am hoping this is not the case and that maybe something serious or more bothersome is causing his problem. Obviously you all are quite young and I would think that he would want sex quite often as a matter of fact more often than you. I didn't read all the comments, but I kind of wonder what happened with your case. Was he cheating or was he really stressed?
September 4, 2009 - 7:47pmThis Comment
This was such an enlightenment to see that other women are having the exact same problems. I have been with my boyfriend for two years and the first year was of course great. Over the past few months though, sex has slowly decreased. My boyfriend and I love each other so dearly, are the best of friends, and live together. We laugh and do all sorts of silly and fun things on a daily basis. He has no stress in his life right now I do not believe. Right now it's been a bit over three weeks since we last had sex. It used to happen about three times a week, then decreased to one, then to once every two weeks or so. Maybe the problem could be that we are around each other all the time? Because four weeks ago, he was out of town for five days on a job. We had sex before he left, once in the middle of those 5 days when he came back one night, and then when he got back. Three times in one week! But we haven't had sex since then, and we've been around each other everyday since then. It is getting so frustrating! I feel like such an idiot actually asking him to have sex with me, it brings me to tears writing about it! We want to spend our lives together, and I'm hoping this is just a stage or something. Any time I bring up sex he gets sort of mad and tells me not to talk about it! I apparently bring it up too much, and he just isn't in the mood. He also spends a lot of time on the computer, which I know must also be a distraction. I just don't know what to do anymore. All that is on my mind every single day, for most of the day, is sex! I am hoping and praying it will happen tonight. But it probably won't D:
September 3, 2009 - 8:45pmThis Comment
What is he doing on the computer, if you don't mind me asking?
September 4, 2009 - 8:05pmThis Comment
I am going through the same thing, we have been dating for a year but its not just the sex, I am afraid he just doesn't like me anymore and I don't know what to do. I love him so much and I don't want to lose him I am scared, frustrated, and confused. I need help.
September 2, 2009 - 9:08pmThis Comment
Are you all at least talking? I remember me and my now boyfriend went through a stage where we weren't even talking much less seeing each other. He was saying that he loved me, but just didn't have the time to see me much less talk to me. I was frustrated and angry. Anyway, once things come down, he did finally inform me that he wasn't inlove with me anymore and that he loved me as a friend. He just fell out of love with me. "It's me, not you" kind of line. Anyway, don't ask, it's a long story but we are back together and doing well. Now we don't have sex that often, but that's mainly due to his heckted schedule which is going to get worse once basketball season begins. I will be honest with you, and I am getting this off of Tv and a close family member of mine, a woman's instinct's are 90% correct, so if you feel that something is up with you an your "bo" you need to sit down with him and talk with him and ask him what's up. Explain to him about how you feel and ask him if he is still serious about you. That is what I did? I kept on because I knew that the relationship just wasn't the same. One thing I have learned, is when a man stops calling as much, doesn't try to see you, and the sex is rare, you are losing your man, if you haven't lost him already. Been there and done that and the best thing to do is to sit down and talk with your man. Now I will admit to this, sometimes this doesn't work because some men are weak and aren't willing to tell you that they do not want to see you anymore. They would rather just stop calling and coming around and have you wondering what happened than to tell you they no longer want to see you. Rent that tape or that movie that derived from Sex and the City, I can't remember the name of it, but it explains to you why men do the things they do and when a man is interested or not. After listening to this tape you will see all the signs that have been in front of you. I hope this helps.
September 4, 2009 - 8:01pmThis Comment