Improved
6113 HealthChanged
3786 LivesSaved
3568 Lives0 lives impacted in the last 24 hrs Learn More
We've been dating for over a yer now but in the last few months our sex has drastically decreased at first started to go down from at least 1-2 times a day for at least 5 months and then it went down to 1-2 times a week and then to 1-2 times a month and now it's been a month and a half since we've had sex. I've read a few articles about this allready, but none seem to fit my problem exactly. I was worried for a while that it might be me that was the problem and but he told me it wasn't and i know he wouldn't lie to me. I've asked him about it but he says theres nothing wrong. I just don't know what to do anymore. He's only a year older than me and he's suppose to be in hes prime. Is there anything I can do? I Haven't pressured him or anything because I dont want him to do it just to shut me up. I want him to want to. and I'm just not satistied anymore and im not asking for everyday, at this point once or twice a week would be nice. A far as I know there's nothing he's stressed about at work or school, could it be a cobination of the 2? or something else going on that I don't know about? and please keep in mind that im am searching for help and advice and I don't want to hear find a new boyfriend. I love him and im not leaving him, even if it means were not going to have sex anymore. But it's frustration for the time being as I find it a tad odd that I want it more than he does. and I don't really want to talk to any of my friends abotu it because I live in a small town and this is personal and I don't need everyone talking about it. and the last thing I want him to feel is embarassed. I havn't told anyone of my friends but I'm in need of some advice. Any Ideas?
All user-generated information on this site is the opinion of its author only and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for any medical conditions. Members and guests are responsible for their own posts and the potential consequences of those posts detailed in our Terms of Service.
Add a Comment1230 Comments
hi miss kitty i no u posted this in 2009 i was just wonderin if the problem got sorted and what u did as im havin the same problem wiv my bf x
May 21, 2011 - 12:39pmThis Comment
Hi Anonymous,
May 21, 2011 - 8:27amThere are many things that may get boring in a relationship including sex. It is always important to keep your relationship (sexual or emotional) stable, fresh and new. Communication is very important in this aspect. If one partner in a relationship is feeling bored: spice things up and talking to your partner about these feelings will help in the long run….always keep that forward motion going also.
In reality, waking up and eating scrambled eggs every day will get boring after a while BUT if you change the ingredients from time to time for a new flavor…you will enjoy it better.
I hope this helps. Good luck.
Missie
This Comment
Actually hes bored of u.just like watching a movie first times good next is alrite then its just plain boring yea?this is wat hapns if u dont wait til marriage to do it.after he had enough of u he wil find sum one new and so wil u.and the cycle wil go on and on til u die.whosever heard of sex be fore marriage ending wel?...noone.i no its hard but if u do wait u wil end up happy.im not even religious.just the make sence and seem to always work.reignighting the fire now is difficult now.all i can suggest is a break, but then who nos wat might happen during tht time.
May 20, 2011 - 4:58pmThis Comment
Strangely I'm in a similar situation! Only if i could ask someone i would but i have no one but him to turn too. The difference is i know he wants it too i really know but he just doesn't do it. I've tried and tried to get him too but nothing works... I even started to ask and he'd turn me down which might i add hurts like hell... We've been together for 5 months and for the first three months we did it 2-3 times a day, he always wanted me. Now we go weeks without doing it and although i'm ok sometimes and i tell him everything is fine it makes my mood sour all the time because i feel like i am losing him. He started a new job and i moved in with him two weeks ago and that could be the issue but i don't know. I really don't want to lose him i love him, but what should i do? I can't keep asking for it and always get turned away. It hurts to much!
May 12, 2011 - 6:49pmThis Comment
We're sorry you are going through this. Just as every relationship is unique, so are the reasons or causes behind your partner's choices in his behavior towards you. We have compiled the “best responses” received from both men and women in regards to your specific question, and hope you read through them thoughtfully. Women have been going through similar struggles (as you have read in this thread), and some have shared their insight and lessons learned. Men have also shared why they did not want to have sex in their strained relationships. Please let us know what “words of wisdom” or “tips” resonated with you from the following articles:
Helpful Relationship and Sex Articles:
- Women's Best Advice: Is Your Male Partner Withholding Physical Affection or Sex?.
- Women's Best Advice, Part 2:What to Do When Your Man Withdraws from you Sexually.
- You asked, Men answered:Best Responses from Men: Why Won't He Have Sex With Me?.
May 13, 2011 - 10:48amThis Comment
Even though I have chosen to not have sex in my relationship, doesn't mean it's not worth having. His porn use does bother me and he's well aware of it. If I do feel like having sex I'm sure he would oblige me and he has givin me the occasional 'handjob' since I don't find self masterbation enjoyable. We used to have a very satisfying sex life before he let his porn use take over. He has limited his mastebating to about once a week I guess and like I said our friendship, our communication, our commitment to eachother has never been stronger. As for marrage, thats were we may eventually wanna be but as of now, there's no pressure on the subject, were both still young. I hope that we will eventually be able to figure out sex.. But by not having it, for us at least, has helped me put aside the negative emotions surrounding the porn topic and improve our relationship, giving us the time and tools to eventually resolve this.
May 10, 2011 - 10:39amThis Comment
I'm a guy and I too have lost the desire to have sex with my girlfriend. I do love her and I don't want to leave her. I hope we can sort things out... I think the reason for this is that she is happy to just have your standard, missionary position sex, makes no effort with herself 'down-there' and doesn't want to try anything new... I am a very sexual person, I've had a lot of sexual partners, I like variety in the bedroom. I'm not saying I wanna [edited for content] other people, and I don't, but i want her to be more sexual, I want her to be more excited and enthusiastic about our sex life so that she trys new stuff or varies things a little. I want her to seem like she can't keep her hands off me - that would turn me on and get me interested. Rather she, like what some of you are saying here, just wants to have sex. for her is the destination that's important - i.e orgasm. for me it's everything else in between that's important - a mis-match. Tried talking to her about it - she listens, but then I think she blocks it out and convinces herself there's no problem - very frustration. I now masturbate a lot as a result... :(
May 10, 2011 - 4:12am[edited for content by EmpowHER moderator]
This Comment
I commend your bravery coming to a women's health website and posting your thoughts on this. It is a two way street. I hope you and your girlfriend can work it out. It is not a good thing when you and your partner are not on the same page sexually. How is the rest of your relationship? Have the sex problems leaked into other areas of your relationship?
May 10, 2011 - 8:14amI'm sure at the very least, your post will provide some insight for others visiting this site if they read it.
Good luck, and let us know how you're doing down the road.
This Comment
My bf of 3 yrs has an intense n intamate relationship with Internet porn. After a yr we barely ever had sex. He has no problem jerking offs everyday though. After a year or so of fighting and then talking and then trying he still couldn't bring himself to have sex with me more then he masterbated. Hes affectionate, caring, supportive man and we have an amazing friendship, he just couldn't make me feel whole as a sexual person, for whatever reason (addiction,selfishness,mental) I could feel horrid when we would have sex because I figure he'd rather be jerking off to young teen porn. So I decided sex doesnt belong in our relationship. He of course didn't like the idea, but when he's fine w having sex 1-3 times a month and that simply does nothing for me. I can't get in the mood n I feel vey used or apologetic that he felt he has to sleep with me. So I decided to stop it. He can watch porn all he wants and I don't feel bad because that's what he wants/has to do because I won't give it up. To him an orgasm is an orgasm, it doesn't matter how he has it. It's been 6 months since we had sex n I've never been happier! :) for me the less sex I have the less I want it. So I'm fine with out it. We kiss n cuddle n pet eachother and without the possibility of sex being brought up weve been alot more emotionaly intamate (not sure why). He will occasionally ask me if I'll ever be ready for sex again, and I ask him if he'll ever be ready to give up porn. End of discussion. Haha. I can except his habit but I'll be damned if I have to actively compete with it!! Obviously my situation and solution is most likely pretty uncommon, but shows how every women and man with similar issues can possibly make lemonade out of....the lack of sex. You just have to find something that works for you! Good luck to you all!
May 7, 2011 - 5:55amThis Comment
Hi Anonymous,
May 9, 2011 - 8:32amI'm glad you seem positive about this situation. However, something you said, in my opinion is key: "We have an amazing friendship." What you have there is a buddy...not a boyfriend. Yes, you may kiss and cuddle, but without the whole package, is this someone you potentially will marry? Isn't that what dating is, seeing if someone is marriage material? Have you and your mate even discussed it? It's already been 3 years with this guy. If you have real issues with his porn use, why are you still with him? You said "having sex 1-3 times a month simply does nothing for me." I am sensing from you that the porn is too much, and it is disruptive in your relationship. Yeah, you seem to have found a work-around for the time being, but how long can you keep up the abstinence before you're looking elsewhere for that fulfillment. If you both are not on the same page in regard to the physical intimacy in your relationship, then this is a recipe for destruction. Think about it.
If needed, you may want to get in to talk with a counselor to get with yourself and figure out what truly makes you happy and what you need for the long haul. I'm guessing his porn isn't part of that scenario, so you're wasting your time currently. It's up to you, and you're in charge of your own destiny. We can't tell you what to do, but just be aware of what you're doing, and how it's no doubt affecting you.
Take this with a grain of salt. If you completely disagree, then don't take heed. But if there is truth in there somewhere, you may want to consider what needs to happen.
This Comment