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A couple of days ago, a woman wrote to me in the "ASK Michelle" section and told me her heartfelt, honest, and I think heart-wrenching story about her ill husband, who has multiple sclerosis, and the very real difficulties about living with someone who has changed in so many ways over the years. Many of the changes have affected his personality and made him very difficult to live with at times. I wrote her back and told her how I could totally see where she was coming from in terms of her emotions, and that I understood what she was saying. But I also wanted to post her story here (see below), so others could see it and reply to her and give her more suggestions, support and a sense of hope and that she is not alone. Please, if anyone has anything they'd like to tell her, I would really appreciate it--I'm sending her this link so she can watch for more replies. For example, do you know of another woman who has gone through this, and/or do you know of any resources for her? Thank you everyone!
"I am a 37year old female, well educated and completely healthy. I married my husband 8 years ago, knowing that he has multiple sclerosis. He was a vibrant, fun, clever and interesting person. Over the past 8 years, he has physically deteriorated (developed seizures, incontinence, difficulty walking distances, had a pulmonary embolism and now suffers from depression (but who wouldn't)). He no longer works, he stays home and does some household chores, is obsessed with our finances (we are doing ok), is mean and angry, hardly talks to me, hasn't held me or made love to me in years and honestly I don't even think that he likes me. I really think that I could deal with the physical limitations, it's the emotional stuff that is wearing me down. I've been seeing a counselor who asks me "How much more are you willing to take?" and I just don't know anymore. I'm so lonely and feel so trapped. He refuses to see a counselor or psychiatrist. I feel like an awful person for even thinking of leaving him, but I'm so unhappy that I don't know what else to do. I guess my question is "what kind of woman leaves a sick spouse?"
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I give you a lot of credit for leaving your husband. I am in a somewhat similar situation. My husband and I have been together for 18 years and married 3 years. He is an alcoholic and developed cirrhosis 6 years ago. He was a very charming man who everybody loved but at home it was different but I put up with it because I'm strong and always looked beyond. Last year my husband developed emphysema which crippled his breathing and was forced to go on disability in May of this year. Since he's been home his drinking has gotten out of control which made accelerated his liver disease and there is nothing left for him but a liver transplant which he will never get because he's an alcoholic and I know I for sure no doctor vouch for him (I know I wouldn't). His breathing has gotten worse too he can hardly make it up the stairs anymore. Depression has kicked in making matters worse. He is nasty, mean, grouchy, picks a fight out of the blue, blames me for everything that goes wrong AND I MEAN EVERYTHING, curses me out and insults me and my family all the time. I have no friends left because nobody wants to associate with me because of my husband. I want to believe that it's his medical condition is causing these mood swings and change in personality however, I can honestly say I am miserable. I can't leave him because with my salary It would be impossible for me to make ends meet. It's sad to find out there are so many others like me out there. We have to stay strong and for those who can get away from the situation I admire your courage.
November 16, 2017 - 5:21amThis Comment
I think you are such a brave person for leaving your marriage at 70 whatever the circumstances! To have such self is truly admirable - you are a fine example to everybody who are victims of an abusive relationship and boy, your ex husband sounds like one mean, cranky, angry person. I hope you find happiness in your new beginning. xxx
September 24, 2017 - 2:22pmThis Comment
Can you hire a home care nurse ,And house cleaner , ? To help take away some of your responsibility s ?
September 11, 2017 - 12:21pmThen take a vacation with your friends or self . For a week .
Still keep the Nurse and house keeper , when you return .
This Comment
Looking for advice also here, I am a 32 year old female who has been with her partner 13 years, carer for 9 years to my partner(not married but co habitating), he has chronic life long incurable illness alongside other health issues and recently a reoccurrence of serious mental health issues. I gave up my career(gladly) to care for him a while back and as result of caring have been seriously ill which I'm trying to recover from myself. He is loving and kind (although the mh issues are creating a lack of intimacy and mood swings) however we now realise the life I may have hoped for travel etc won't be possible with him, I'm trying to be honest and explain that he cannot meet my needs (physically,emotionally)and I understand that ,however as we have no other support system I am the caretaker of everything, he says I don't have to be but there's no one else to pick up the pieces. I want to be single now just to live alone but I feel so trapped because he will have noone to care for him and also that I would be making a mistake. And I also feel like a horrible person leaving because I have had enough I have felt down and sad for a very long time now but noone to discuss this with who isn't apart of our inner circle of mutual friends. I also am now tied to my partner in regards money etc also now with welfare (thankfully we don't have kids or a mortgage but my work day savings are gone)I answered if God said tomro if I could be single would I I said yes but i feel horrible because he is loyal faithful and treats me the best way he knows how, (those qualities are hard to find in a partner)i feel hopeless trapped and also taken for granted, like my life doesn't matter. Thanks for listening, if anyone has constructive advice or tips I would be grateful and to everyone out there i am reading your stories and comments , I have no advice to give but I am with ye in spirit and hope that ye also find a resolution.
September 7, 2017 - 9:42pmThis Comment
Omg, if you're not married and y'all are only cohabitating, then what the heck are you waiting for??? Just RUN, and do it NOW! He did not deal the deal with marriage, so you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. Go live YOUR LIFE and be HAPPY!! Playing house does NOT equal marriage. Go! Let him sort his own single self out; and you go LIVE!! ❤️
October 10, 2017 - 7:51amThis Comment
That’s not fair. People don’t have to married to be committed to each other. Love and commitment are not validated by a piece of paper or the words of a priest or preacher. Those ideals reside in your heart and leaving is just as difficult for people living together as married people.
November 25, 2018 - 11:10amThis Comment
I'm sure this comment was meant to be helpful but just because this couple aren't married, it doesn't mean they are 'playing house' and were not deeply committed to each other. I think you are unintentionally trivialising her situation which is very painful and complex.
December 31, 2017 - 12:16pmMy advice would be that the only thing you can be is honest with him. Hopefully although it is going to be terribly painful he will set you free to move on while perhaps you can continue to support him?
If he is honest with himself, he will understand that you want more out of life and you are not a bad person for that - just human.
I do understand because my partner and I are very in love but he has a debilitating long term condition which may or may not improve. So I think even to admit to yourself how you are feeling takes a lot of strength. To admit it to him will take even more.
This Comment
I am 30 and have been with my partner for 10 years. We aren't married. He is in chronic body pain equivalent to a women in labour 24/7. A few months into dating I moved in and automatically took on the role of his care giver. Besides his pain he isn't very healthy at all, i try and motivate him to live a healthier lifestyle (to help his quality of life and his pain) and he resists. Even his hygiene is REALLY lacking. On top of that, he is always stressed out, negative, snappy, rude, verbally abusive, disrespectful and emotionally disconnected. And he demands sex every day. He blames his behaviour on his chronic pain which is a valid point, but my question is where do I draw the line? Is that really a valid excuse? I see all my friends having fun, getting engaged, enjoying life and all I do most days is cook, clean, and feel alone... and I'm so young. No dates, no flowers, no excitement, no appreciation. But is it selfish of me to expect those things when someone is ill? For the rest of my long life... any insight would be very appreciated.
September 1, 2017 - 10:39pmThis Comment
LEAVE HIM. HE IS A NARCISSIST ! You need to RUN NOW.
October 29, 2017 - 9:37pmThis Comment
Your not married , get out , If he thought enough about you he d offer to marry you , and sign everything over to you, after his death .
September 11, 2017 - 10:23amThis Comment