Living with and possibly leaving a sick spouse - a heartfelt story from a reader looking for advice

This is a very tough subject I wish I did not know. MS sucks. I hate it and am sorry for those suffering from it or any health issue. I am a nurse (love it) and come home to a very sick man who does not much but grocery shop gamble. Then demands sex. I am not feeling it. I am getting out. Why? Simple.....I am not happy and life is short and its my life

My husband who is 59 years was diagnosed with PPMS about a year and a half year ago.His mother also had it. He is starting to have problems with his legs. It is heartbreaking for the both of us . But the worst thing r the mood swings. He can be very verbally abusive and then doesn't seem to realize it . When he does he always says that he is sorry. Is this unusual?

This is a response to the " 37 year old lady, highly educated and healthy" upon which this post was started. I found your story very moving and relate completely to your situation. To consider leaving a chronically Ill partner is a terrible position to be put in. I am also 37 and have been with my partner for 13 years. He's been sick for the last 10 with multiple different illnesses, ranging from cluster migraines, chronic depression, testicular cancer, chronic intestinal and abdominal damage due to operations, cancer of the kidney, removal of said kidney and just yesterday he received the diagnosis of bladder cancer. He's 51 years old. To say he's been through it, is putting it mildly. I was 26 years old when he got the first bout of cancer. My life has been put on hold, it feels, numerous times. But I was willing to do it cause I loved him. But this time I just can't seem to deal with it. I keep imagining how the new treatments are going to lessen his already depleting life quality. All I can think about is leaving. I know that that's a totally normal reaction to have. But it still seems unimaginable to leave someone you love. How can you know if your relationship is longer working, when chronic illnesses bring relationship problems and advice to a whole other level. Even most therapists would have a hard job helping you through it. I still would recommend one though. They are definitely a good sounding board for your thoughts, worries, fears and doubts. In the end they have your interests at heart, which is what really matters. That's right, YOU matter. YOU are worth it. That would me my only advice. It's easy to forget your place when illnesses take over your partners life. In the end, it's also your life. What evvironment do you want and need. When you answer that question, then the next step, is to go get it. Whether that means leaving or staying. i hope this helps you.

Hello everyone!
I am glad I have found this site.
I read most of the comments here.
My situation is a bit different. I have married from the beginning with a cancer survivor, who was in the end of his oncology treatment and also he is not living in is own country, he came to my country for the treatment.
I met him, fell in love with him chased him basically and he continuously warned me that it is going to be really hard living with a sick man. The final stage of his treatment is to do a surgery so he can walk properly, I actually married to help him to do a surgery because he can do it for free in my country.
I know he loves me I feel it and he shows it to me. In the mean time we are waiting for his surgery , every day his situation gets worse. When he takes painkillers he is calm. But he always uplifts the dosage and sometime he does a break from them and when he does he is angry all the time , he tries no to show it, but when I say something he doesn't like he think I criticizes him or wants sm from him and he loses control and goes crazy, when he goes crazy I also start to yell and become hysterical, sometimes he says sm to me like that I am not doing nothing for him and just live my own life and I start to go crazy because it really hurts for me, I am trying my best to overcome myself and to be there for him. He constantly says I am not capable to live with a sick man and I am not patient enough. It has come to the point we fought once, he went crazy on the road, once he broke furniture in the house, and once I was hysterical and he was a bit violent to me he didn't hit me but he grabbed me really hard I felt pain, I thought he is going to hurt me but then he let go. He felt really bad about it so he left back to his country for a while said he lost all control .
every time we fight I am telling him I am leaving him but in the end I understand how much I love him and we make up. I also lost my temper a few times and it was my fault from the begin with, but since his situation got worse we fight more and more, I also don't have sm to compare to, I don't know how he was before.
I feel I can bare everything except when he is angry and mad at the world and at me for nothing, my instant reaction to that is protection and I am starting to be mad also. another problem he is drinking a lot, he does nothing all day and he says that the alcohol ease his pain and helps him forget his situation, he drinks only when he doesn't take painkillers.Also he waits for the operation and we don't know when it is going to be , it can take even a year until then (because of some bureaucracy problems). It means he has no sight when his pain is going to stop. sometimes I feel maybe he take things out of proportions' because I know his situation is much better then it could have been, he bit cancer and now he is waiting for a surgery to help him improve life quality. I know I chose this and to live with him but I am loosing my powers. I know if I'll leave him I'll fell I am leaving a man in distress and in pain when he needs me the most and of course I love him so much I would miss him every day, I know he is a good man.
His situation is really complex, he is not on his own country, depends on his family to support him with money (cause I can't support us both), waiting for surgery that we don't know when it is going to be, he constantly feels he can't give me what I need and he feels bad about it. He always says to me why I need that and I should go and find a healthy man and have a bright future.
I don't know how to be more patient and to build a wall not to react to him when he is angry

Hi there,
I totally know where your coming from here with your husbands illness. My husband developed MS over 12 years ago. At the time we felt that we could survive anything as our marriage was rock solid. Through the years his illness started to take its toll with both myself and our children. Unfortunately this year our marriage broke down and we now live totally apart. I suppose i changed and my husband changed as sickness brought so many rough areas in our lives that we couldn't break through. I got tired of all the negative reactions that my husband developed and he felt that i didn't care enough. To be very honest i had enough of his irrational behaviour towards me and the world in general. I tried to put the shoe on the other foot so many times but after a while pity and concern stopped and a wanting of freedom from all this dismal stuff that we were both going through.
Since i have moved away i feel a huge burden has been lifted and i know that this is selfish on my part but through the years of suffering i now just want a life where i can start laughing again and bring some light back into my life.
Everyone is good good at judging you but when something like sickness comes into your home it brings with it heartache and a turbulence that sometimes you just cant take. I guess we just ran out of energy.

Wow...all of this is really making me think....I am the one that is sick. Ive been on dialysis for a few years now and I think it has finally caused thw end of my marriage. I try not to become her patient and I do everything dialysis related myself. She is supposed to be my caregiver on paper but doesnt even know how to turn on the machine. I treat here at home. Anyways one of the forst things to go is the male libido.and I guess she has had enough. I feel guilty hurt and mad all at the same time. The thing that gets me so mad is I honestly try to put her 1st all the time...and we are very intimate...just not sexually. We always hold hands.... do things together.....but sex is a challenge for me...part mental...part physical...maybe I just need to stop chasing her and help her pack