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Being involved in a successful romantic relationship can be difficult for most people. Consider all the breakup self-help books available, the movies portraying cheating significant others, constant fighting and dramatic breakups, and your own relationship history.
Do you think these difficulties increase or decrease for someone with a mental disorder? Let’s just say that it’s not easy to have a relationship while trying to function “normally” in the world.
For people who have Asperger’s disorder or autistic disorder, social interaction is complicated. Although people with Asperger’s are thought to have high-functioning autism, they still have social problems. For example, people with Asperger’s don’t contribute as much socially and emotionally, and they don’t know how to use nonverbal behaviors as well, like eye contact, according to an abnormal psychology textbook.
Interaction and emotional reciprocity are important in relationships, so it’s no wonder that it would be a challenge for someone with Asperger’s or autism to be in a relationship. Although this doesn’t happen for everyone, it’s a stereotype that someone with these disorders will not share his or her emotions as frequently. For example, they might not say “I love you” or show affection as often, because they don’t understand and express emotions as well as the typical person.
If you decide to be in a relationship with someone who has Asperger’s or autism, it seems there are some things you have to consider to help the relationship work. Keep in mind, this may not apply to everyone who has Asperger’s or autism. There is the proposed autism spectrum disorder, which places autism and Asperger’s together. Basic symptoms will be the same, but specifics may differ.
This is what I have observed after being in a short relationship with someone who thought he had Asperger’s and through reading different articles:
1) Don’t assume the other person is uninterested, just because he isn’t telling you he likes you or finds you attractive. Decide what you think of him and let him know. After he is aware of your attraction and isn’t confused about nonverbal gestures and flirtation, it might be easier for him to decide if he feels the same way.
2) Don’t be alarmed if your significant other is confused by romantic gestures, like hugging or kissing. Stop if needed, but also try explaining what the gestures mean, or suggest going to a psychologist together so you can work on your partner’s relationship skills.
3) Tell your partner how you are feeling, especially if you are angry, and why. Your partner may not understand your emotions and why you are reacting a certain way.
4) Learn what his interests are, and try to engage in activities focusing on those interests. Go on a few dates where social interaction isn’t necessarily the focus.
5) Ease him into large social situations, like parties or group outings. Understand if he is overwhelmed or decides not to go with you – he might prefer being alone or with less people.
6) Understand that some people with Asperger’s can be brutally honest, according to the book “Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships.” The book explains that when talking about reasons for marriage, a person with Asperger’s might say that there is an availability of sex as the main reason, while not including his love of his significant other. Romance can be puzzling to someone with Asperger’s, but again, you will probably see improvement after explaining the meaning behind it, why it’s necessary and that it makes you feel good.
7) If your partner talks in a confusing manner, like in riddles or using complex vocabulary, or doesn’t answer your questions directly, ask him for more clarification. Also, remember not to use riddles, jokes or sarcasm in the same way you would with someone who doesn’t have Asperger’s or autism. If you do, ask if they understood and then explain what you meant. Otherwise, they might be hurt by what you said or just be confused.
8) If your partner has certain quirks, like not wanting to talk on the phone, understand that it may be related to Asperger's. Confront them about the issue if it bothers you, and explain why.
Sources:
http://www.opposingviews.com/i/the-romantic-lives-of-young-adults-with-asperger-s-syndrome
http://www.specialfamilies.com/dating_marriage_&_autism.htm
http://www.amazon.com/Asperger-Syndrome-Long-Term-Relationships-Stanford/dp/1843107341/ref=cm_lmf_tit_3
Abnormal Psychology: An Integrative Approach by David Barlow and V. Mark Durand
http://www.dsm5.org/ProposedRevisions/Pages/proposedrevision.aspx?rid=94
Add a Comment186 Comments
Hi
I am 50 and have met a guy same age as me with a good job and normal like!
Within 6 months in the relationship he changed and said I am now only his friend as we are not compatible
I am still with him 2 years onwards but he is checking website
And goes with friends in pub to look for a girlfriend!
It is emotionally nerve racking to love someone who does not know how to love back. Sex is also a battle. On n off.
He feels guilty. As I am now not the woman he loves.
So will have sex with the woman he will find and love.
Yet for me, he has always loved me
He has moved earth n sky to help me!
Everything he has done for me, you can only do if you love someone.
Yet he says he don't love me.
But once he meets someone new, he will start neglecting you
And start the same pattern with the other person.
He has already done it while being with me
Now he is onto a second girl, trying same again
The first one left him after few months.
It's a constant battle.
At my age, I have decided to move out and move on and just be friends.
There is more to life than a constant battle to be with a man who have no contro of his own feeling.
He does not know his condition
When I try to explain, he brush me off!
Sad and heartbreaking for me, yet can meet someone new and normal.
February 23, 2015 - 1:46amSad and devastating for him as he will spend the rest of his life doing what he knows best, Running away!
This Comment
It's this website:
December 5, 2014 - 4:19pmhttp://aspergerwife.webs.com/
This Comment
This rings some bells; I've heard a story before where the Asperger guy refers to the woman that she's just a friend. While clearly others would call it a relationship. He's likely not going to change. His Asperger mind is messing with him and this will leave you lonely, frustrated, unfulfilled and unhappy in the end. I've mentioned a good website a few posts back, it might help you to visit and read. A life with an Asperger man is not easy and I know what I'm talking about, I was in love with (and almost married to) a man that I am sure has Asperger's. He only doesn't know it.
I truly wish you happiness, but don't stop using your head and listen to yourself and be true to yourself! All the best to you!
December 5, 2014 - 4:15pmThis Comment
The writing was on the wall, the sirens were blaring, something was off but i could not pin point it. I thought i was dealing with a sociopath or a narcissist. After reading this article it is completely clear the man I loved had aspergers. Maybe if I had read this earlier I would have better understood his frame of mind. Maybe he loved me I dont know. He never complimented me I have no idea what he even saw in me. His treatment wasn't better he would not call for over a week or send a text. I could have been in the hospital and he wouldn't have known.
October 20, 2014 - 11:49pmHe was brutally honest with me a few times. I value honesty and literally hate liars but this person's honesty left me feeling hurt and insulted. Looking back I want to laugh but when you care about someone and their honesty is like ripping a piece of your soul it is a no go. I cant deal with that. I need to be with people who support me.
This Comment
How can I tell if a guy has Aspberger or ADD? He swears he has ADD but I want to know how to tell the difference if there is one.
September 29, 2014 - 2:35pmThis Comment
Google, (Dude,I'm an Aspie) this guy has Aspberger and will explain it the clearest way ever.... He's AMAZING!!!!
May 26, 2015 - 6:30amThis Comment
If you google a bit you'll discover that many times, those two (or ADHD) go together. Many times, the AD(H)D is earlier diagnosed. What makes you think he has Asperger's?
October 9, 2014 - 1:14pmThis Comment
So relieved to read that the partners of AS have been through so much and yet have remained strong and supportive of the AS spouses/partners. Thanks for sharing.
August 8, 2014 - 10:09amThis Comment
Pretty sad stories I just read here. I quit the relationship with a man I dearly love(d). I couldn't understand his distant behaviour. Very quickly he wanted to get married, but it was all too soon for me. I doubted a lot. How could say he loved me and wanting to get married, while he hardly knew me personally? He didn't ask about my past, my family, my thought, feelings or dreams. Heart to heart conversations were absent. Then what is it he loved about me? My taking care of him and being there for him? In the end of our relationship, he suddenly demanded certain things from me, things that he had read in the bible. He took them to an extreme, as his world view is black and white. Never in my life I felt as lonely, unwanted, unseen and uncherished as in my time with him. I almost ignored my feelings, out of love for him. But neither of us would have been happy together. Although it broke my heart, I left him. Of course he didn't understand and the sad thing is.... he never will. And I.... I left the love of my life behind, for my own sanity.
June 11, 2014 - 2:53pmThis Comment
I too was in the same situation and still am. The relationship has left me weak and feeling unwanted and confused but I promised him that I would never leave regardless of our situation. I would always be there for him but there are times when I disappear for 10 days and he doesn't look for me. I know it bothers him because he acts strangely after but it's the only way I can reset my brain to deal with him again. He doesn't I know of his situation. He has a hard time talking about feelings and refuses to explain why..I know why now!
November 6, 2014 - 11:20amThis Comment