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Being involved in a successful romantic relationship can be difficult for most people. Consider all the breakup self-help books available, the movies portraying cheating significant others, constant fighting and dramatic breakups, and your own relationship history.
Do you think these difficulties increase or decrease for someone with a mental disorder? Let’s just say that it’s not easy to have a relationship while trying to function “normally” in the world.
For people who have Asperger’s disorder or autistic disorder, social interaction is complicated. Although people with Asperger’s are thought to have high-functioning autism, they still have social problems. For example, people with Asperger’s don’t contribute as much socially and emotionally, and they don’t know how to use nonverbal behaviors as well, like eye contact, according to an abnormal psychology textbook.
Interaction and emotional reciprocity are important in relationships, so it’s no wonder that it would be a challenge for someone with Asperger’s or autism to be in a relationship. Although this doesn’t happen for everyone, it’s a stereotype that someone with these disorders will not share his or her emotions as frequently. For example, they might not say “I love you” or show affection as often, because they don’t understand and express emotions as well as the typical person.
If you decide to be in a relationship with someone who has Asperger’s or autism, it seems there are some things you have to consider to help the relationship work. Keep in mind, this may not apply to everyone who has Asperger’s or autism. There is the proposed autism spectrum disorder, which places autism and Asperger’s together. Basic symptoms will be the same, but specifics may differ.
This is what I have observed after being in a short relationship with someone who thought he had Asperger’s and through reading different articles:
1) Don’t assume the other person is uninterested, just because he isn’t telling you he likes you or finds you attractive. Decide what you think of him and let him know. After he is aware of your attraction and isn’t confused about nonverbal gestures and flirtation, it might be easier for him to decide if he feels the same way.
2) Don’t be alarmed if your significant other is confused by romantic gestures, like hugging or kissing. Stop if needed, but also try explaining what the gestures mean, or suggest going to a psychologist together so you can work on your partner’s relationship skills.
3) Tell your partner how you are feeling, especially if you are angry, and why. Your partner may not understand your emotions and why you are reacting a certain way.
4) Learn what his interests are, and try to engage in activities focusing on those interests. Go on a few dates where social interaction isn’t necessarily the focus.
5) Ease him into large social situations, like parties or group outings. Understand if he is overwhelmed or decides not to go with you – he might prefer being alone or with less people.
6) Understand that some people with Asperger’s can be brutally honest, according to the book “Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships.” The book explains that when talking about reasons for marriage, a person with Asperger’s might say that there is an availability of sex as the main reason, while not including his love of his significant other. Romance can be puzzling to someone with Asperger’s, but again, you will probably see improvement after explaining the meaning behind it, why it’s necessary and that it makes you feel good.
7) If your partner talks in a confusing manner, like in riddles or using complex vocabulary, or doesn’t answer your questions directly, ask him for more clarification. Also, remember not to use riddles, jokes or sarcasm in the same way you would with someone who doesn’t have Asperger’s or autism. If you do, ask if they understood and then explain what you meant. Otherwise, they might be hurt by what you said or just be confused.
8) If your partner has certain quirks, like not wanting to talk on the phone, understand that it may be related to Asperger's. Confront them about the issue if it bothers you, and explain why.
Sources:
http://www.opposingviews.com/i/the-romantic-lives-of-young-adults-with-asperger-s-syndrome
http://www.specialfamilies.com/dating_marriage_&_autism.htm
http://www.amazon.com/Asperger-Syndrome-Long-Term-Relationships-Stanford/dp/1843107341/ref=cm_lmf_tit_3
Abnormal Psychology: An Integrative Approach by David Barlow and V. Mark Durand
http://www.dsm5.org/ProposedRevisions/Pages/proposedrevision.aspx?rid=94
Add a Comment186 Comments
My ex-boyfriend was like this as well! 41 now and still living with his parents, did not finish uni, works in a factory, takes his faith a few steps too far and has an Asian girlfriend/fiancee that he never met (who probably will do everything he tells her to do). He has the emotional maturity of a toddler.
I am so glad I escaped a life of misery!!!
January 21, 2016 - 1:39pmThis Comment
Maybe you could try doing a couple of things he tells you he needs done instead of showing him who is the boss.
March 16, 2016 - 8:09amThis Comment
Should Aspergers be described as a ' mental disorder, ?'
August 3, 2015 - 1:38pmWhat's everyone's thoughts on that?
This Comment
It's considered a personality disorder. Calling it a mental disorder makes it sound like we're mentally deficient, though most Aspies have above average intelligence.
January 26, 2016 - 6:13pmThis Comment
No. It's not a mental disorder. It's just a different perspective on life.
December 26, 2015 - 9:23amThis Comment
There's nothing about dating an autistic woman, I found this really useful blog here
myautisticrelationship
August 3, 2015 - 12:33pmhttps://myautisticrelationship.wordpress.com/
Great for guys trying to be understanding
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HI I am living with a man that had asperger I ,in the begining our relacion was pretty much normal but I was always asking him why he dont kiss and huggie every time like normal relationship .
First i didnt know that he has the problem asperger . The only thing i like from is that he is so sweet with my kids and his kids .
August 2, 2015 - 9:53amI am Latin and you know that we are very romantic. Something I getting tired
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I've been dating this guy with aspergers for almost 7 months now. In the beginning of our relationship we were very close and intimate but after I was diagnosed with anxiety I was unable to be intimate again. It made me very uncomfortabl . We went to therapy for it and I discovered that me unable to be intimate was because when I was younger I was molested by an older cousin for a really long time and I never dealt with those feelings so now its really affecting m . He knows this but he would still ask for small intimate activities. I would say no but he would keep asking and begging until I finally said yes so he would leave me alone. He's sexually frustrated I know. But he doesn't understand how I feel about sex. How can I enjoy something that was used against me for so long? My feelings from so long agoare very confusing to me. So recently he started having sex with me while I was sleeping and I woke up panicking and he started panicking and apologizing like craz . I started pushing him away and that's where he started crying because he really loves me and he feels guilty. Now my feelings are even more confusing and I don't know what to d . I want to break up with him. But he has aspergers so I don't know if he really understands why what he did was wrong and everyone keeps telling me that it was a mistake and I know that but I don't know if I can trust him agai . I don't know what to do.
April 17, 2015 - 2:23pmThis Comment
that sounds really difficult. but no matter what kind of condition someone has, they should know that doing something that the other person clearly does NOT want is wrong. My bf has aspergers syndrome as well, mixed with a dose of ptsd and depression and it's extremely difficult. but even he understands that one can't just do something like that, no matter the sexual frustration.
November 20, 2015 - 12:36pmI don't know the man you're with, but are you sure he really felt guilty? (I'm not trying to be an ass, i just experienced it a lot of times that someone did something to me of which they knew that it was not okay and started apologizing like crazy when caught, even tho they did not really mean it...)
all i can really tell you is: his condition is not an excuse for his actions and don't stay in a place you don't feel comfortable. you're not responsible for him, he is not a child. do what's best for yourself.
i hope everything will work out well
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As someone with aspergers, I can tell you right now that aspergers is no excuse to do those things. If he cant respect your limits, you need to break it off, for your emotional and physical safety. You can explain what he did wrong afterwards, but I dont think you owe him an explanation if you dont want to. I hope you are alright.
October 17, 2015 - 12:52amThis Comment