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Physical and verbal abuse are forms of “visible” abuse. Scars and bruises, raised voices and demeaning and hurtful words are signals to others that something is not quite right in the relationship. It’s also easier for a wife to see and recognize that’s she’s being abused.
Emotional abuse, however, is much more insidious and not quite as visible. Certainly, a wife’s self-esteem and spirit are battered along with her body in the case of physical and verbal abuse, but a husband can kill his wife’s spirit without even raising a hand or voice against her. For this reason, many women don’t even know they’re being abused, or if they do it’s a long and difficult battle not only to work to repair the damage done themselves, but to get the abuser to recognize the harm that he’s done.
What are the signs of mental abuse?
“Emotional abuse is any nonphysical behavior or attitude that controls, intimidates, subjugates, demeans, punishes or isolates another person by using degradation, humiliation or fear” (www.focusonthefamily.com).
“Nonphysical behavior or attitude” can safely be interpreted to mean neglect, invalidating another’s thoughts and feelings, and refusing to acknowledge the needs of the other (whether intentionally or not). Over a period of time, this kind of emotional climate in a marriage can squeeze the life out of a marriage and out of a wife.
There is a difference between experiencing or inflicting emotional hurt and being emotionally abusive—it is important to make this distinction. Abuse is a cycle. It is not a once-in-a-while event that happens and hurts someone else. In many “ordinary” hurtful cases, apologies can be offered if truly sincere and heal the rift that the hurt has caused. Many hurts are unintentional, and if they were, there is (hopefully) remorse on the part of the person who inflicted that hurt, once the anger, frustration, etc., calms down and cooler heads prevail. With emotional abuse there is none of this. Like other forms of abuse, there can be apologies and promises to never do it again, and there is hope in the beginning that behaviors and attitudes will change—often referred to as the “honeymoon phase”—but somewhere in the back of many a wife’s mind, she knows that it’s only a matter of time before the abuser settles back into old routines.
The Profile of an Emotional Abuser
At the heart of an emotionally abusive husband is his need to ultimately be in control. He feels inadequate and harbors distorted beliefs about women and marriage, usually learned from an abusive father or other dominant male influence, or sometime due to lack of decent male role modeling in how to treat women. In many cases, but not all, an emotionally abusive husband can be manipulative and heavy-handed in keeping his wife “under his thumb”. The abusive husband is “self-referenced”, which means he only sees and considers things from his point of view; he deliberately refuses to or is incapable of looking at things from another’s perspective. “Selfish” and “self-referenced” are two different words and can be described this way: the “self-referenced person would give you the shirt off his back, but he doesn’t know you need it. The self-referenced person frequently violates the marriage partnership by acting without thoughtfully considering his partner’s point of view and needs” (Amy Wildman White). The abusive husband is also emotionally dependent on his wife; that is, his feeling of self-worth comes from being married. Most emotionally abusive husbands are unable to look at and examine themselves and why they engage in such spirit-killing behavior against a person they have avowed to love and cherish.
The Profile of an Emotionally Abused Wife
Women who find themselves in an emotionally abusive situation often have low self-esteems even though they may appear confident and in control of everything. An emotionally abused wife “looks to her husband’s acceptance of her as the measure of her worth” (White).
Unlike a man, who typically finds his identity through work, and academic or athletic achievement, “[a] woman’s identity is often based on her relationships” (White) this makes her vulnerable to abusive relationships.
One of the most common characteristics of an emotionally abused woman is that she is unable to enjoy sexual experiences with her husband. This is due to the deterioration of the trust and the lack of friendship and intimacy over the time of the relationship. Add on top of this societies’, her husbands’ and the church’s views that she’s not a good wife if she doesn’t meet her husband’s sexual needs and she may feel perpetually trapped in her marriage. What many people (including counselors and pastors) fail to realize is that “[t]he wife in these situations experiences intercourse as an indignity, almost as rape, because the physical and the deeply personal, loving aspects of sex…[i]ntimacy and trust, which lay the necessary foundation for a woman to respond sexually, have been removed from the relationship” (White) and she is left to emotionally detach herself from the situation just to survive—at the cost of her soul and spirit.
Call to Action
It’s time to lift the veil from these situations and recognize how much a person’s soul and spirit can be damaged without physical and verbal abuse. Abuse doesn’t have to come in the form of acting out a form of punishment, or lashing out with temper and words. Abuse can also be withholding affection, or never saying a kind word. It takes a strong woman to stand up against what everyone is telling her is her duty and recognize that this kind of situation is not okay, and to talk about it until somebody listens.
If you believe you are in an emotionally abusive marriage—which can take many forms to keep a wife dependant on a husband (a virtual prisoner in her own house)—or you’re not even sure if what you’re experiencing is emotional abuse, please join us in the Marital Discovery and Recovery group and share your story.
Sources: www.focusonthefamily.com; “The Silent Killer of Christian Marriages” by Amy Wildman White (http://www.safeplaceministries.com/pdf/The Silent Killer of Christian Marriages.pdf)
Add a Comment380 Comments
If you are like my husband, I wouldn't believe you if you said you will change. I have heard that so many times. It gets to a point where you have to fight for your own happiness. You should not be changing to try to keep her but for yourself if you really acknowledge your condition
August 24, 2015 - 4:51pmThis Comment
I'm thankful there are resources out there highlighting abuse and how to deal with it. While this is to women about their abusive husbands, I believe it goes both ways too. I am a victim of an abusive wife in much the same ways. There is a misconception that words don't cut men. But, they do. There is a statement I love, "The stroke of the whip maketh marks in the flesh: but the stroke of the tongue breaketh the bones.”
The mouth is the most destructive thing we have possession of. Whenever any of us use our mouths inappropriately we are sowing the seeds of destruction in our marriages. Choosing to respond to destructive words in a destructive manner only starts the cycle or deepens the cycle.
It takes an honest look inside both the abuser and the victim to recognize the pattern and see what can be done to change it. I do not subscribe to the belief that divorce will make everything better. Nor do I subscribe to the belief that staying in an abusive marriage will be the better answer. I subscribe to the belief that each partner must look honestly within and be humble and look for the solution together.
Marriage counseling will not fix abusive behavior in a marriage. I know this for a fact after many marriage counselors have inadvertently perpetuated the cycle in my marriage. Domestic violence counseling is the only therapy solution recognized to address emotional abuse in a marriage. It works and it can work for you. How? Because domestic violence counselors are skilled in identifying and neutralizing offending words and behaviors that often come from both partners.
July 6, 2015 - 3:39pmThis Comment
I'm in process of filing for divorce right now in next week or so and need help. My husband and I never could carry a normal conversation and it came to point where I felt I walk on eggshells, I wasn't self confident anymore after 5 years but when he never acknowledges my emotions saying it's stupid if we do what we feel there will be only divorces . Finally I opened my eyes now that I think it's too late as we have 1.5 y old boy and some arguments took place in front of him , plus he pushed me when I was 8 months pregnant because misunderstood what I said :( I should have left then but beeing totally dependent on him in foregn country I didn't . He never says sorry instead twisting things saying that if I wouldn't talk to him like that he wouldn't have to react that way so it's always my fault, I can't express my feelings or emotions or point of view as he is always right . I don't want to wait until he finally hit me so I'm leaving and it's going to be a hell on earth as he doesn't agree to divorce and thinks it's all my fault is not working plus he is totally happy if he have cooked dinner ready, washed etc so there is nothing wrong and never was for him :( I'm scared
June 25, 2015 - 2:40amThis Comment
Don't blame yourselves ladies. The problem is within your husband. I was one of these husbands for 20 years, and really loved my wife. I'm a perfectionist, If everything is perfect I'm guaranteed to find something to complain about. The problem is most men don't realize how deeply words cut and scar. Most men are tough skinned and words and negative comments don't stick with them like they do in a woman. My wife told me for 20 years that I was hurting her inside. I thought she was crazy how can words hurt that bad?It took 2 affairs on her behalf before I finally woke up. What she did was a bad decision, but her telling me I need anger management or counseling or medication never phased me. Your husbands need to know how bad they are hurting you and ruining their marriage. They need to see this through your eyes, and that's not possible. There needs to be a film on this so a man can see what he is doing and how badly he is scaring you. If they could only see into your hearts trust me they would be devastated. Try to get them to go to counseling whatever it takes. Tell them you love them, and you will even go with them. If they don't get help they will eventually ruin your marriage. God Bless All of You! CC
June 16, 2015 - 11:57amThis Comment
Thank you Soo much I needed to hear those words from a man, because my husband walks around here like he does nothing wrong.
July 5, 2015 - 3:54amThis Comment
Thank you for this. I am sitting here crying because I tried to tell my husband how I feel. He didn't validate any of my feelings at all. He says I am attacking his character. I love him and I have always told him all of the great things about him like he is so hardworking,and can fix anything. Any time he is good with the kids I let him know. I have begged, and cried, for him to just be nice and show me love. He says it is my fault, that all I do is complain, and that is why he is so cold to me. Your story is my story. He doesn't know how much he takes my heart and throws it away like it is worth nothing. He only sees it from his view. 20 years I have never left never cheated. Only in my daydreams. And they are always about a man who listens to me and thinks I'm important. Loves just to be with me and doesn't think I need to be criticized or neglected. How do I love myself enough to show him he can't treat me like this?? Thank you for your story it is giving me strength.
June 16, 2015 - 1:51pmThis Comment
This article is my story. He has neglected me for twenty years, only twice very briefly showing genuine intimacy and throwing me an occasional bone. I have always internalized everything he says, buying into it that it is all my fault. I have never been able to be my whole self with him. He has told our daughters that my tatoo are disgusting even though they (2 ) are hidden and I had one when we met. I have doubted myself and felt crazy all these years until I read this article. I'm even graduating with a psychology degree and I'm blaming myself for his abuse to me!! That is how confused I am. I feel like no one really likes me even though my few friends tell me they do. He explodes when I call him on anything he says. I am so lonely, I have been so alone and lonely for 20 years. I don't want to damage my 3 daughters. He badgers them pretty hard sometimes, but he knows they are my life and I am always watching and protecting. I am just torn apart with wanting the best life for my daughters. Is it better to stay . I'm going to start counseling myself I am absolutely exhausted. I'm glad I made it this far thank you ladies for your encouraging stories.
June 15, 2015 - 12:29amThis Comment
Man this is a year old but it sound s like me. I've been with my spouse for 23 years and have dealt with him always looking like the good guybit I'm just an angry B. I know how you feel. I'm always to blame. If he yells at me, then it's my fault. If I speak up for myself somehow it's gets turned around and I am at fault. I've thought about leaving, even discussed divorce but it was supposed to get better but hasn't really. He really isn't a bad person, with every one else that is. He's great! Different with me though. Made a vow that there would be no affection from him early on in our marriage, that I would have to come to him and stuck with it. So no hugs or true affecton unless he's fronting in front of someone. I try and keep trying to forgive but man its gard. He even says sorry sometimes but I don't feel he means it half the time cause I'm the problem. Grant it, I k ow when I've done something wrong and try to apologize but I'm not the only one doing wrong although I'm the only one suffering for it. Although to hear him, I'm the real issue. This is whatgoes through my head. I try to pray but probably not enough. It's been ok for awhile then we go back to the same stuff. I really don't want to give up on my marriage but it's hard being the only one to accept responsibility. I don't no why to do but thinking about counseling. He didn't want to go when we talked about divorce before. I'll probably go by myself. If it doesn't work out so be it. I just want be happy!
April 4, 2016 - 11:02amThis Comment
I have been married for 12 years, but we have been together for 17. We used to laugh, enjoy things together. He still seems to want to do things, but I dread our alone time together. I literally cannot find anything in common anymore except our children. He constantly complains about our house, our children, US! It makes me feel like a failure as a mother. I gave up a very lucrative career. He has insulted everything about me, my family, my housekeeping, my looks, my thoughts, etc.... I have completely shut down because he goes on the attack if a disagreement comes up. We haven't tried counseling yet. Is it worth it? We both come from families where divorce is considered a very last resort. But I feel relieved at the thought of being free of him. Any success from others would be appreciated.
May 31, 2015 - 9:11pmThis Comment
My husband has treated me that same way starting about year 3 of our marriage. He was very disgusted with my pregnant body and didnt hesitate to say so. Things settled down after my son was born, but as the years went by my husband got more and more critical of me and everything I do. But that is not why I am writing here. What I want to say is that COUPLES COUNSELING WILL BE A DISASTER.
June 11, 2015 - 10:47pmWe tried it and EVERYTHING JUST GOT WORSE. Later I learned that in any kind of abusive relationships, couples counseling backfires. What you can try is INDIVIDUAL COUNSELING.
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