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By October 13, 2010 - 6:12am
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my boyfriend and i have been together for 6 months and the sex isnt the same as it used to be. He is turning 41 this month and seems to never want to have sex with me. It went from everyday to maybe once a month if im lucky. Here is the big problem. He watches pornography every single chance he gets. What am I doing wrong?

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hi april.porter3,
omg i am having the same exact problem it is just so hard to talk to him about it be cause he gets mad at me. me an my fiance is 30 yrs old & i am 19. We have been to gether for almost four years now we just had a baby almost 4 months ago. I do everything in my power to make him happy. About 2 years into our relationship things were awsome the sex was great. the way we acted around each other was amazingly wonderful, but we have not had sex in over a year now. I began to get worried so i started to wear makeup again and I dress up nice for him, but NOTHING has changed.
We both worked at the same place. well october 10 of 2009 we got into a big fight and i went and stayed with a friend for about four days. About a week later i found out i was pregnant. He denied that it was his baby. He accused me of cheating on him during the four days i was gone. In wich i didnt. We began fighting alot throughout my pregnancy. When i was about 6 months pregnant he kicked me out and told me he was not the father and called me a whore. So i moved in with my freind amanda from work because i did not have a car or drivers licence and i needed to be able to get to work. He started telling everyone i moved in with some guy. He also claimed that the guy i was supposedly living with was really the father of my baby. Wich was not true. Well i had to move out of my friend amanda's because their landlord said they could not have any imediate family move into their home. so i had to quit my job and move into my mothers house. At the time my mother lived with my grandma so i had my moms house all to myself. well i did not go into labor on my due date so i was scheduled to be induced four days later. Two days before i was going to be induced i called him to let him know that if he wanted to be at the hospital when his son was born it would be on June 24th at 6 a.m. He started to fight with me again and so i broke down in tears telling him that this is his son and if he does not show up he would miss the only opportunity to see his son be born. He eventually calmed down. He told me to call him the next day on June 23rd so i did and i ended up going into labor naturally at 10 pm that night and we both showed up to the hospital. He seemed axious and happy. He held my hand throughout delivery. I delivered at 7:36 a.m. on June 24th. I stayed 3 days in the hospital and my intensions were to stay living at my moms house. but instead he asked me to move back in. so i said yes. I wanted to be a family together and not have to go to court. well our son is almost four months now and me and my fiance have not had sex since the begining of october before the big fight in 2009. I am really confused because at the hospital he bought me a bokey of pretty flowers and after we got out it was really nice and everything was great but about a week later things have just stopped for no reason. I have tried to cuddle with him and he pushes me away. I ask him why we dont have sex and he says "i dont know quit asking me". so i dont know what to do. he wont talk to me about it at all. He just gets upset if i bring it up. so i have stopped asking him. I asked him if he just does not find me attractive anymore and he says " not its not that". I am so worried and thinking the worst of things. I really dont know what to do.
I just wrote him a letter this morning saying ""we need to talk & i mean serius talk. No joking around. something is definently wrong. I dont know what it is but i am going to find out. You need to open up to me. Quit avoiding it. Everytime i try to talk serious with you, you seem to think im joking around. Well im not. I want to know why things are the way they are and what we can do to fix it. I love you babe, but things have to change for the both of us."" I left the note down stairs on a chair and hoped he would read it without getting upset. well i got up this morning and came downstairs and asked him if he read my note and he said "yeah" not in an angry way, but in a dreadful kind of ways like he wasnt looking forward to the serious talk. I really hope that when he gets home from work we can have this serious talk and it will help clear some things up.

October 14, 2010 - 1:46pm

Hi April

The odds are this has absolutely nothing to do with you, and everything to do with your boyfriend. It may be a combination of his age, his health, and a possible porn addiction.

Have you had a serious conversation with him about this? He needs to understand how it is affecting you, and that this type of behavior can totally ruin a relationship. If you've had a conversation, what was his reaction?

Do not take this as a criticism of you, your appearance, or your skills in bed. This type of behavior is nearly always about the person who has suddenly changed, not the partner. Thanks for writing and if we can help further, let us know.

October 14, 2010 - 6:32am
(reply to Cary Cook BSN RN)

I am afraid to bring this up to him. When I try to talk about things with him he gets upset and takes it as I do not believe in him or trust in his decisions. What is the best way to bring something like this up without offending him?

October 14, 2010 - 9:08am
(reply to april.porter3)

There is definitely something to be said for bringing things up with the right wording, correct tone, and good timing. However...it is also equally important that your boyfriend cares enough about your concerns that he is not using excuses of being "offended" or putting it back on you that you do not "trust" him or "believe" him. These are extremely poor communication skills that he has; healthy relationships include both persons being able to talk about troubling or sticky issues without using avoidance tactics such as these (yes, these are "tactics" he is using to avoid talking. how would any relationship issue be resolved if the other person automatically jumps to broad conclusions of "trust"...that's unfair fighting, and needs to stop!).

So...your question. You can say something like, "I have a concern about our relationship that I would like to talk with you about, and hope that we can both work to solve together. Are you open to talking right now with me?"

If he blows you off, rolls his eyes, becomes defensive or jumps to the offensive (I'm offended! I'm upset! What did I do wrong?!) then you may need to back away from this topic, and tell him you would like to work on communication and fair fighting techniques. You will never be able to talk with him about anything---sex, finances, work, home, family--if you two are not able to talk about relationship issues.

Has he ever talked with you about a concern of his? How did he bring it up? How did you react?

A relationship needs a strong foundation of communication skills, and it is hard. It is something that needs to be worked on consistently, but the main piece is care and concern for the other's feelings. If he is unable to even hear or talk about your feelings, he may not be the right person for you. If he is able to care about your feelings and concerns, but is unable to get out of the "poor me" mode, counseling might really help! So many couples have gone to couples counseling just to learn how to talk with each other through the difficult times. It really helps!

So, the answer is: he needs to be able to talk about a concern you have, be empathetic, want to find a resolution that works for both of you. If he can do this openly and honestly, and if you are able to suspend criticism for his choices and let him openly talk with you, you two can work through your concern about frequency of sex. It is not all on your shoulders to word everything perfect; you will never achieve perfection; it is both of your responsibility to listen and respond with love and respect.

October 14, 2010 - 1:33pm
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