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(reply to april.porter3)

There is definitely something to be said for bringing things up with the right wording, correct tone, and good timing. However...it is also equally important that your boyfriend cares enough about your concerns that he is not using excuses of being "offended" or putting it back on you that you do not "trust" him or "believe" him. These are extremely poor communication skills that he has; healthy relationships include both persons being able to talk about troubling or sticky issues without using avoidance tactics such as these (yes, these are "tactics" he is using to avoid talking. how would any relationship issue be resolved if the other person automatically jumps to broad conclusions of "trust"...that's unfair fighting, and needs to stop!).

So...your question. You can say something like, "I have a concern about our relationship that I would like to talk with you about, and hope that we can both work to solve together. Are you open to talking right now with me?"

If he blows you off, rolls his eyes, becomes defensive or jumps to the offensive (I'm offended! I'm upset! What did I do wrong?!) then you may need to back away from this topic, and tell him you would like to work on communication and fair fighting techniques. You will never be able to talk with him about anything---sex, finances, work, home, family--if you two are not able to talk about relationship issues.

Has he ever talked with you about a concern of his? How did he bring it up? How did you react?

A relationship needs a strong foundation of communication skills, and it is hard. It is something that needs to be worked on consistently, but the main piece is care and concern for the other's feelings. If he is unable to even hear or talk about your feelings, he may not be the right person for you. If he is able to care about your feelings and concerns, but is unable to get out of the "poor me" mode, counseling might really help! So many couples have gone to couples counseling just to learn how to talk with each other through the difficult times. It really helps!

So, the answer is: he needs to be able to talk about a concern you have, be empathetic, want to find a resolution that works for both of you. If he can do this openly and honestly, and if you are able to suspend criticism for his choices and let him openly talk with you, you two can work through your concern about frequency of sex. It is not all on your shoulders to word everything perfect; you will never achieve perfection; it is both of your responsibility to listen and respond with love and respect.

October 14, 2010 - 1:33pm

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