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Sponsored by: Fiera®
Most women I know would agree that their main organ of sexual arousal is between their ears. As empowered women, we can use our minds to more fully understand, enjoy and experience sex.
When we’re tuning into our partners during seduction, or putting aside the plans we had to get to sleep and instead, have some fun — we need our minds to relax into the cues we’re getting and sending.
Bringing the attention of our mind into the whole of our body — as opposed to being focused above the shoulders or between the legs — gives us access to much more information and sensation. This practice is called mindfulness.
There’s a common misunderstanding that mindfulness and meditation are supposed to lead to some kind of cessation of thought — to a quieting of the mind — and that may be a side effect, but it’s not the goal.
Mindfulness is an exercise in training the mind to notice thoughts, sensations and emotions, and not get too attached to them all. When we’re not too attached, we can be much more in touch with our own aliveness. And what could help contribute to great sex more than a greater sense of aliveness?!?
Mindfulness can help with sex in a variety of ways.
1) Many women find that stress or tension from work or responsibilities can interfere with libido. In this case, mindfulness can help us tune into where we’re holding tension in our bodies, and we can consciously choose to relax. We can also notice and let go of the mind-chatter about deadlines or projects.
2) Mindfulness can help us let go of unhelpful “tapes” we play in our heads such as:
- My body doesn’t look sexy.
- I’m worried I’m not going to be able to have an orgasm.
- We’re stuck in the same old sexual routine.
- Something’s wrong with my relationship if I’m not as interested in sex as my partner.
- I have to pick up the dry-cleaning and bring the kids to karate ...
Mindfulness gives us the awareness to notice our unhelpful thoughts, and choose to let go of the storyline and come back to the reality of the moment. We take a breath, notice the stories we’re telling ourselves, let them go, and consciously tune in to our bodies.
3) Using mindfulness, we increase our awareness of what we enjoy in sex and what our partners enjoy. We can tune in to what we desire as part of foreplay.
I remember a metaphor I was told once of men’s arousal generally being like flipping a light switch, while women’s arousal is more like getting an engine started and warmed up. With mindfulness, sensuality and caressing are more likely to effectively “warm up our engines.”
This might take the form of:
Mindful Massage:
For many women, a massage helps with relaxation, and helps them slow down and get in touch with subtle energies and sensitivities that otherwise wouldn’t be noticed. This is mindfulness in action. We breathe more deeply, let go of thoughts, and increase our sense of presence.
Sexual Wellness Products:
Perhaps you’d like to be able to get turned on and get your mind and body in the mood a little more quickly or predictably. Mindfully exploring and experimenting with sexual wellness products can be great for this!
A new product that I’m particularly interested in is called Fiera®. Fiera was designed to be used by women to help stimulate the body pre-sex. It does this subtly through a combination of gentle suction and stimulation that increases the sensations of tingling and fullness that accompany sexual arousal.
If you’re interested in trying Fiera, EmpowHER is offering an exclusive deal to readers - $25 off! By signing up for Fiera’s newsletter you’ll receive tips on keeping your relationship vibrant, plus a promo code for the discount.
Self-Care (together or apart):
Perhaps you notice that a warm bath by yourself or with your partner helps you get more fully “into” your body. Your pace slows down, and you become more receptive to fooling around. Or perhaps with increased mindfulness you realize that you need to take time to talk and connect before sex. When you’re aware of this, you can take action.
There are all kinds of ways to use mindfulness to increase our pleasure and enjoyment of sex. Take a deep breath, bring your attention into your body, and have fun!
Edited by Jody Smith
Read more in Let's Talk About Sex
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