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Managing Sex and Your Relationship

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Living without a good sex life is like living without proper nutrition or enough exercise. You will probably survive, but you will not be nearly as vibrant, healthy or happy as a result.

For many people, living without good sex is something they’ve come to accept, particularly if they’re in a relationship in which sex is not a priority, sexual compatibility is non-existent, or the discussions around sex do not happen as they could.

Discussions around sex? Yes!

In order to remedy a difficult or unsatisfying sexual relationship, discussion is key. The first step toward remedying your sex life is to really explore with yourself what your authentic tastes, likes and dislikes are.

Have you even thought about these? If not, there is no possible way your partner can know what you really like, what turns you on, or what will keep you turned on over time.

If you haven’t explored at all, begin by letting yourself take some quiet time alone over the next few weeks or even months. Looking at different pictures, reading erotica, even tuning into porn can give you a sense of what you really like and what you would want or be willing to try with your partner.

After figuring some of this out the next step is to open your mouth and tell this to your partner!

It could be as fun and titillating as wanting to buy sex toys or as subtle and simple as stating “you know, I’m really ticklish on my back and if the pressure of your fingers is too light, I just feel uncomfortable.” Not very dramatic, really.

We all want our partners to be telepathic in the bedroom, to know exactly what we want, when we want it and for how long. No one wants to use clumsy old language to convey the thoughts and feelings of the flesh. Yet we must!

Another wonderful option is to buy a book explaining sexual issues, showing pictures of positions, outlining various techniques to try. Reading this book with your partner and simply pointing to a particular page or picture that turns you on and nodding may say more than hours of conversation ever could.

Another way of communicating about your personal preferences and tastes may be to find a picture or a porn site that shows the things you want and like and point them out to your partner. A picture is, after all, worth a thousand words.

For suggestions on helpful sex guides, follow this link: http://www.amazon.com/Pocket-Sex-Guide-Anne-Hooper/dp/1564585093/

If your relationship is suffering from a lack of satisfying sex, take this seriously. Many relationships with lots at stake including children, history together, family ties and so forth can go horribly, terribly and irrevocably wrong as a result of a loss or lack of true intimacy.

Adultery, lying, cheating and secrecy can be the result of feeling isolated within your relationship or feeling that there is no possible way to be “seen” or recognized for who you are on the deepest levels, largely related to your sexuality.

If your partner is unable or unwilling to delve into the conversation with you about improving or exploring your sex life together, you may want to seek couples counseling.

Deeply rooted issues in your life or your partner’s life may be interfering with the intimacy so necessary to a vibrant and full relationship. Often times couples counseling can provide a fresh perspective or even give couples “homework” to help them become more comfortable with the issues of real closeness.


Compromise and Balance: Managing Your Relationship Matrix. Kissmegoodnight.com. Retrieved from the internet on March 11, 2012

Let’s Get It On. First 30 Days
Retrieved from the internet on March 11, 2012.

Aimee Boyle is a regular contributor to EmpowHER

Reviewed March 14, 2012
by Michele Blacksberg RN
Edited by Jody Smith

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We value and respect our HERWriters' experiences, but everyone is different. Many of our writers are speaking from personal experience, and what's worked for them may not work for you. Their articles are not a substitute for medical advice, although we hope you can gain knowledge from their insight.

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