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Being involved in a successful romantic relationship can be difficult for most people. Consider all the breakup self-help books available, the movies portraying cheating significant others, constant fighting and dramatic breakups, and your own relationship history.
Do you think these difficulties increase or decrease for someone with a mental disorder? Let’s just say that it’s not easy to have a relationship while trying to function “normally” in the world.
For people who have Asperger’s disorder or autistic disorder, social interaction is complicated. Although people with Asperger’s are thought to have high-functioning autism, they still have social problems. For example, people with Asperger’s don’t contribute as much socially and emotionally, and they don’t know how to use nonverbal behaviors as well, like eye contact, according to an abnormal psychology textbook.
Interaction and emotional reciprocity are important in relationships, so it’s no wonder that it would be a challenge for someone with Asperger’s or autism to be in a relationship. Although this doesn’t happen for everyone, it’s a stereotype that someone with these disorders will not share his or her emotions as frequently. For example, they might not say “I love you” or show affection as often, because they don’t understand and express emotions as well as the typical person.
If you decide to be in a relationship with someone who has Asperger’s or autism, it seems there are some things you have to consider to help the relationship work. Keep in mind, this may not apply to everyone who has Asperger’s or autism. There is the proposed autism spectrum disorder, which places autism and Asperger’s together. Basic symptoms will be the same, but specifics may differ.
This is what I have observed after being in a short relationship with someone who thought he had Asperger’s and through reading different articles:
1) Don’t assume the other person is uninterested, just because he isn’t telling you he likes you or finds you attractive. Decide what you think of him and let him know. After he is aware of your attraction and isn’t confused about nonverbal gestures and flirtation, it might be easier for him to decide if he feels the same way.
2) Don’t be alarmed if your significant other is confused by romantic gestures, like hugging or kissing. Stop if needed, but also try explaining what the gestures mean, or suggest going to a psychologist together so you can work on your partner’s relationship skills.
3) Tell your partner how you are feeling, especially if you are angry, and why. Your partner may not understand your emotions and why you are reacting a certain way.
4) Learn what his interests are, and try to engage in activities focusing on those interests. Go on a few dates where social interaction isn’t necessarily the focus.
5) Ease him into large social situations, like parties or group outings. Understand if he is overwhelmed or decides not to go with you – he might prefer being alone or with less people.
6) Understand that some people with Asperger’s can be brutally honest, according to the book “Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships.” The book explains that when talking about reasons for marriage, a person with Asperger’s might say that there is an availability of sex as the main reason, while not including his love of his significant other. Romance can be puzzling to someone with Asperger’s, but again, you will probably see improvement after explaining the meaning behind it, why it’s necessary and that it makes you feel good.
7) If your partner talks in a confusing manner, like in riddles or using complex vocabulary, or doesn’t answer your questions directly, ask him for more clarification. Also, remember not to use riddles, jokes or sarcasm in the same way you would with someone who doesn’t have Asperger’s or autism. If you do, ask if they understood and then explain what you meant. Otherwise, they might be hurt by what you said or just be confused.
8) If your partner has certain quirks, like not wanting to talk on the phone, understand that it may be related to Asperger's. Confront them about the issue if it bothers you, and explain why.
Sources:
http://www.opposingviews.com/i/the-romantic-lives-of-young-adults-with-asperger-s-syndrome
http://www.specialfamilies.com/dating_marriage_&_autism.htm
http://www.amazon.com/Asperger-Syndrome-Long-Term-Relationships-Stanford/dp/1843107341/ref=cm_lmf_tit_3
Abnormal Psychology: An Integrative Approach by David Barlow and V. Mark Durand
http://www.dsm5.org/ProposedRevisions/Pages/proposedrevision.aspx?rid=94
Add a Comment186 Comments
Nice. Uncortunately... My wife will not tell me what she wants. She says.. "you should just know".
--just shoot me now.
May 18, 2016 - 7:49amThis Comment
Yes, if she is on the spectrum then it will most likely continue. If she is not, the recommended books to read would be Queen's Code. It helps women understand men and that they have social beliefs that aren't true about men. It just isn't true that men should just know.
August 26, 2016 - 7:09amThis Comment
Yeah... it really does require cooperation from both people, rather than the assumption that the other person will just get it. NTs have trouble reading people with A/S, so if they go into the relationship relying on their innate ability in that area, they will come out if it with statements like "people with autism can't feel or express love". It's a good skill to be able to explain things clearly without being patronising, and to respect differences. TBH, there were one or two areas that were a big challenge, as they were more sensitive and so my wife would be less verbal about them. Predictably, I didn't get it so we had to discuss them and define rules for how we acted around them.
May 18, 2016 - 10:30amThis Comment
I just want someone who will want me for being me, who can look past my autism and see the person I am, instead of the disability I have. The tips are good, but I think the best thing people need to understand about people with autism, high functioning or otherwise, is that we're still people with emotions, whether we know how to show them or not.
March 3, 2016 - 6:50amThis Comment
Not sure if you will ever see this but I just wanted to give you some encouragement that what you are looking for is out there! I've been dating my boyfriend with aspergers and I absolutely love him. I love that he's quirky, socially awkward, and sometimes has trouble communicating haha but I also see how much love this boy has to give. It all comes down to finding someone who can compliment both your strengths and weaknesses. My family and friends adore him and I think the key to this was our constant communication. Try and find someone who can communicate in a logical manner, who loves to problem solve, and who sees the intention behind the action. All the best :)
March 29, 2016 - 10:01pmThis Comment
Thanks for this.
What advice do you have for Women with Asperger's Disorder trying to have a relationship with a man? He complains that I don't know how to show respect--and I try, but I always fail.
Pointers for the opposite of this? Because there is already a lot out here online written for NT's who are trying to understand people on the Autism Spectrum. There's a lot less focus on helping Autistic people understand the rest of y'all.
January 26, 2016 - 6:08pmThis Comment
My AS husband and I have been married for 16 years. At first it was rough. In the middle, it was a little better. Now it is just fine. Truly, I think that love has to do with accepting and understanding a person for who they are (including their challenges). Love is seeing more in a person than what appears on the surface. Quite frankly, when you get right down to the internal workings of people, AS people are really not that different from NT people. They just sometimes have a different way of communicating their thoughts and intentions, which NTs tend to hugely misinterpret. When NTs are open to really get to know AS people on a deeper level, connections are easier to find.
February 4, 2016 - 9:28amThis Comment
I have been dating a guy online with Autism who is a famous Dj in Korea. He is Korean and lately he has been angry at me telling me to act like an adult. Because he thinks I am acting immature, he says he can not take it no more and wants to end the relationship. He has not yet taken me off his relationship status on Facebook and he only just said these words to me yesterday. I really want to get him to talk to me over the phone but he doesn't like to communicate and never was clear on what made me look immature to him. He doesn't come online often and never takes the time to talk things over when ever I do something that angers him which leaves me clueless on why he is being that way and I try to ask him to talk it out with me so we can work things out instead of him wanting to break up with me. I was planning on going to see him in Korea once I had the money.
All I can do right now is give him time. He has gotten mad at me before and had a friend tell me that he was breaking up but he never came to me to say that we were still together so our friend who is my best friend told me herself on what he said to her.
I am being patient with him and I am trying to encourage him and give him time. I also let him come to me.
November 27, 2015 - 1:43amThis Comment
Saying to the other to act mature is typically an autistics thing.
January 8, 2016 - 5:19pmMy ex-boyfriend with Asperger said that to me a few months ago, while I am a woman with a great career, Master-degree, bought a house, and mother of two. While he is a bachelor student for 8 years, without a job and being engaged with someone just for having a roof above his head and having food. He is not able to get a place on his own, nor is he able to get a job.
Who is the immiture? Don't worry about what he said. Probably he was clunked in his own personal problems.
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