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Being involved in a successful romantic relationship can be difficult for most people. Consider all the breakup self-help books available, the movies portraying cheating significant others, constant fighting and dramatic breakups, and your own relationship history.
Do you think these difficulties increase or decrease for someone with a mental disorder? Let’s just say that it’s not easy to have a relationship while trying to function “normally” in the world.
For people who have Asperger’s disorder or autistic disorder, social interaction is complicated. Although people with Asperger’s are thought to have high-functioning autism, they still have social problems. For example, people with Asperger’s don’t contribute as much socially and emotionally, and they don’t know how to use nonverbal behaviors as well, like eye contact, according to an abnormal psychology textbook.
Interaction and emotional reciprocity are important in relationships, so it’s no wonder that it would be a challenge for someone with Asperger’s or autism to be in a relationship. Although this doesn’t happen for everyone, it’s a stereotype that someone with these disorders will not share his or her emotions as frequently. For example, they might not say “I love you” or show affection as often, because they don’t understand and express emotions as well as the typical person.
If you decide to be in a relationship with someone who has Asperger’s or autism, it seems there are some things you have to consider to help the relationship work. Keep in mind, this may not apply to everyone who has Asperger’s or autism. There is the proposed autism spectrum disorder, which places autism and Asperger’s together. Basic symptoms will be the same, but specifics may differ.
This is what I have observed after being in a short relationship with someone who thought he had Asperger’s and through reading different articles:
1) Don’t assume the other person is uninterested, just because he isn’t telling you he likes you or finds you attractive. Decide what you think of him and let him know. After he is aware of your attraction and isn’t confused about nonverbal gestures and flirtation, it might be easier for him to decide if he feels the same way.
2) Don’t be alarmed if your significant other is confused by romantic gestures, like hugging or kissing. Stop if needed, but also try explaining what the gestures mean, or suggest going to a psychologist together so you can work on your partner’s relationship skills.
3) Tell your partner how you are feeling, especially if you are angry, and why. Your partner may not understand your emotions and why you are reacting a certain way.
4) Learn what his interests are, and try to engage in activities focusing on those interests. Go on a few dates where social interaction isn’t necessarily the focus.
5) Ease him into large social situations, like parties or group outings. Understand if he is overwhelmed or decides not to go with you – he might prefer being alone or with less people.
6) Understand that some people with Asperger’s can be brutally honest, according to the book “Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships.” The book explains that when talking about reasons for marriage, a person with Asperger’s might say that there is an availability of sex as the main reason, while not including his love of his significant other. Romance can be puzzling to someone with Asperger’s, but again, you will probably see improvement after explaining the meaning behind it, why it’s necessary and that it makes you feel good.
7) If your partner talks in a confusing manner, like in riddles or using complex vocabulary, or doesn’t answer your questions directly, ask him for more clarification. Also, remember not to use riddles, jokes or sarcasm in the same way you would with someone who doesn’t have Asperger’s or autism. If you do, ask if they understood and then explain what you meant. Otherwise, they might be hurt by what you said or just be confused.
8) If your partner has certain quirks, like not wanting to talk on the phone, understand that it may be related to Asperger's. Confront them about the issue if it bothers you, and explain why.
Sources:
http://www.opposingviews.com/i/the-romantic-lives-of-young-adults-with-asperger-s-syndrome
http://www.specialfamilies.com/dating_marriage_&_autism.htm
http://www.amazon.com/Asperger-Syndrome-Long-Term-Relationships-Stanford/dp/1843107341/ref=cm_lmf_tit_3
Abnormal Psychology: An Integrative Approach by David Barlow and V. Mark Durand
http://www.dsm5.org/ProposedRevisions/Pages/proposedrevision.aspx?rid=94
Add a Comment186 Comments
I was courted by an man diagnosed with light Aspergers for over 3 years. He would often disappear when under stress, zero contact for up to 4 months, then reappear as if it was okay to re-engage where we left off. One day he came to me and said he was all the way in with the relationship and lets move in together. It lasted 3 months, falling apart because he was unable to connect emotionally or have empathy or compassion for anothers' feelings. Everything was objectified, including sex. Eventually I felt un-valued. He was extremely successful in the computer industry and retired mid 30's. In dating, he wouldn't offer to pay for anything unless I insisted. He waited for me to pay for dinners, groceries, etc. He exhibited paranoia, with excessive insurance, extremely tight spending habits, enough military arms for a nation. His biggest connection was with his mother, calling her every Saturday at the same time, and she did all the shallow talking. He had a fake personality in groups, laughing excessively loud at his own non-funny comments. In private he was extremely quiet and non-engaging. I didn't find out about his diagnosis until I was ready to walk out. I felt it was unfair he didn't disclose his condition and share a conversation about his special needs. I felt I was always being watched over little things, like cleaning dishes, where I left my shoes, how fast I was able to get out of the car. I annoyed him to the point of feeling anxious. I couldn't win. I was always going to fail under his expectations of small tasks.
June 10, 2017 - 4:15pmThis Comment
Yes, i have an advice for you! Run, don't look back. I am sorry to put it like this, but in case you don't want to loose everything there, you should run away.
May 24, 2017 - 3:08amThis Comment
Hi
April 27, 2017 - 5:19pmSorry I didn't reply earlier, I'm not on this site frequently.
I'm not sure how much I can help because even within the ASD spectrum each of us is vastly different. I'm an ASD woman so right off there are differences.
His perception of things is something I can't define as I don't know him. But most of us on the spectrum have sensory processing issues, many of which stem from perceiving more than most others do and being less able to filter out what's irrelevant. Also not always knowing how to react or to cope with all the excess sensory input. Hence the meltdowns and shutdowns--those come from perceiving more than we can process most of the time.
When I first heard of Asperger's I didn't think I had it because my sense of humor includes appreciation of puns, sarcasm and figurative language. ASD people are supposed to be too literal to understand such things but I love them.
It's good that he accepts touch. I don't have the touch aversion; I like hugs and it would be so hard to love someone who flinched or struggled against hugs. Sometimes I feel like I'm starving for physical contact. Not for conversation, though. Most of the time I feel like other people want to converse too much. He might feel the same way but you should ask him, not assume that because he and I both have Asperger's Syndrome, he is just like me. He's probably not. I have food aversions--lots of them.
It's good that you make the effort tom clarify and make sure you understand eachother. So much of the headbutting and miscommunication comes from assuming that we know what someone else meant when really we didn't because we colored each of their words with our own connotations without considering theirs. Everyone has a different past so we all use language differently--no matter what we say, our life experience colors our word choices.
If you haven't read Tony Atwood's complete Guide to Asperger's, I think doing so would be the best advice I could give you. There's also a really great new book about the Autism Spectrum called Neurotribes by Steve Silberman. I haven't read it yet but I went to a lecture last year where he was signing books, and he understands Autism from the perspective of a non-Autistic person. He has wide acclaim amongst the online Autistic community--well deserved. I suggest reading those books, and keep talking to your ASD guy. Remember if you've met one Autistic person, you've met one person with Autism. All of us are different. I can speak for him only in the most limited of ways. Be patient with him--you're a saint for extending love to him. Likely he appreciates you in ways he is unable to express, but never doubt that he feels them.
~Bless.
This Comment
Thank you so much for your advice on the books to read, and your other comments. I am one month into an ended relationship with an AS man, after 3 1/2 years of ups, downs, and many short break ups. I'm missing his company terribly and want to try reconnecting with him as a friend, but I'm afraid of being rejected. I will try to give him more time, and meanwhile, learn as much as I can about how best to communicate with and love him.
November 25, 2018 - 8:37amThis Comment
You can accept him for who he is.
Just don't act like he does things this way on purpose because he knows it hurts you. He doesn't. If he has Asperger's, it's probably the only thing he can do at the time. You have no idea how hard it is to cope with life when you have Asperger's. There's only so much "normal" interaction, "normal" socializing, "normal" go outside and have a little adventure an autistic person can take at one time. Those little routines and escapes are the only thing keeping from having meltdowns, shutdowns and psychotic breaks. You want to keep him in your life and out of an institution? Let him have his escape outlets and don't nag him. And don't expect him to suggest trips. I rather expect he doesn't like them, he does them because it's what you want and he loves you and wants do things for you and with you that you like. Especially if he leaves his comfort zone to do things with you, you shouldn't be asking him to give up the routines and escapes that allow him to wind back down to what, for him, is normal--his routines, his piano, his computer time,his indoor habits. Those things keep him sane. You do not want to trigger an autistic meltdown by trying to force him away from his routine into your perfect world.
March 11, 2017 - 5:29pmThis Comment
A label placed on his inability to understand how to touch her, how her heart needs comfort during times of distress, how he sees his silent withdrawal without so much of a warning can bring her to tears... after being shown, told, over and over again after 5 years, while acting clueless and incompassionate is not a viable excuse to treat a woman you claim to love....Get a dog
March 8, 2017 - 10:19pmThis Comment
Hi, I have been married to someone with Aspergers for 18 years now. Our marriage has been rough. I didn't know he had Aspergers until about 7 years ago. At first, I made excuses for him and tried to understand. Now at this stage of my life, I just don't want to deal. He is like a child. He is obsessed with series' on TV and plays free cell for hours at a time on his phone. He checks out too often into his escape world while I'm living in the real one. It gets lonely for me. He would be okay to live his entire life checking out of reality. I care about him and want our marriage to work but its just not working for me. The sad part is that he doesn't have an issue and sees the issue as mine, and no matter how much I attempt to explain myself, he is unreasonable, gets defensive, and escapes into his own world even more. He hasn't been formally diagnosed but he has every single symptom of Aspergers, including the neurological ones. And I've read that it is not easy to diagnose and there is no treatment for it.
I don't know why I'm writing except that I would love someone who understands my perspective.
August 25, 2016 - 11:35amThis Comment
I, myself am learning to accept. My guy hasn't been formally diagnosed, but show a lot of clear signs. I understand and feel all of what you're going through.
In your last sentence, "I don't know why I am writing..." I know that exact feeling-- but it's a relief just to be able to "voice" it.
I just want to send you love.
December 7, 2017 - 3:54pmThis Comment
you have to make a decision if you can continue to live this way. You will miss him terribly if you left. you have developed some of his ways. he is now a part of you that you don't like. he can't change. you can change with help and lots of time and prayer. good luck
September 3, 2017 - 2:00pmThis Comment
I do understand you. I've been in such a marriage for over 30 years now and I know. Lack of reciprocity, coldness, no sex - if any, quite robotic and many, many more. I'm rather his mom and he loves it this way. So why I'm still in here? --> two sons: Asperger's one and autistic the other. But I'm so tired, so exhausted, I'd like to die...
April 10, 2017 - 6:28amThis Comment