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Being involved in a successful romantic relationship can be difficult for most people. Consider all the breakup self-help books available, the movies portraying cheating significant others, constant fighting and dramatic breakups, and your own relationship history.
Do you think these difficulties increase or decrease for someone with a mental disorder? Let’s just say that it’s not easy to have a relationship while trying to function “normally” in the world.
For people who have Asperger’s disorder or autistic disorder, social interaction is complicated. Although people with Asperger’s are thought to have high-functioning autism, they still have social problems. For example, people with Asperger’s don’t contribute as much socially and emotionally, and they don’t know how to use nonverbal behaviors as well, like eye contact, according to an abnormal psychology textbook.
Interaction and emotional reciprocity are important in relationships, so it’s no wonder that it would be a challenge for someone with Asperger’s or autism to be in a relationship. Although this doesn’t happen for everyone, it’s a stereotype that someone with these disorders will not share his or her emotions as frequently. For example, they might not say “I love you” or show affection as often, because they don’t understand and express emotions as well as the typical person.
If you decide to be in a relationship with someone who has Asperger’s or autism, it seems there are some things you have to consider to help the relationship work. Keep in mind, this may not apply to everyone who has Asperger’s or autism. There is the proposed autism spectrum disorder, which places autism and Asperger’s together. Basic symptoms will be the same, but specifics may differ.
This is what I have observed after being in a short relationship with someone who thought he had Asperger’s and through reading different articles:
1) Don’t assume the other person is uninterested, just because he isn’t telling you he likes you or finds you attractive. Decide what you think of him and let him know. After he is aware of your attraction and isn’t confused about nonverbal gestures and flirtation, it might be easier for him to decide if he feels the same way.
2) Don’t be alarmed if your significant other is confused by romantic gestures, like hugging or kissing. Stop if needed, but also try explaining what the gestures mean, or suggest going to a psychologist together so you can work on your partner’s relationship skills.
3) Tell your partner how you are feeling, especially if you are angry, and why. Your partner may not understand your emotions and why you are reacting a certain way.
4) Learn what his interests are, and try to engage in activities focusing on those interests. Go on a few dates where social interaction isn’t necessarily the focus.
5) Ease him into large social situations, like parties or group outings. Understand if he is overwhelmed or decides not to go with you – he might prefer being alone or with less people.
6) Understand that some people with Asperger’s can be brutally honest, according to the book “Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships.” The book explains that when talking about reasons for marriage, a person with Asperger’s might say that there is an availability of sex as the main reason, while not including his love of his significant other. Romance can be puzzling to someone with Asperger’s, but again, you will probably see improvement after explaining the meaning behind it, why it’s necessary and that it makes you feel good.
7) If your partner talks in a confusing manner, like in riddles or using complex vocabulary, or doesn’t answer your questions directly, ask him for more clarification. Also, remember not to use riddles, jokes or sarcasm in the same way you would with someone who doesn’t have Asperger’s or autism. If you do, ask if they understood and then explain what you meant. Otherwise, they might be hurt by what you said or just be confused.
8) If your partner has certain quirks, like not wanting to talk on the phone, understand that it may be related to Asperger's. Confront them about the issue if it bothers you, and explain why.
Sources:
http://www.opposingviews.com/i/the-romantic-lives-of-young-adults-with-asperger-s-syndrome
http://www.specialfamilies.com/dating_marriage_&_autism.htm
http://www.amazon.com/Asperger-Syndrome-Long-Term-Relationships-Stanford/dp/1843107341/ref=cm_lmf_tit_3
Abnormal Psychology: An Integrative Approach by David Barlow and V. Mark Durand
http://www.dsm5.org/ProposedRevisions/Pages/proposedrevision.aspx?rid=94
Add a Comment186 Comments
Your post has helped me enormously! I met a man on fb who has become obsessed with me- is always going on about what he wants and seems to be almost entirely lacking in empathy. I think he's angry with me for not responding to him
October 12, 2017 - 5:27amAs anything more than a friend. He says he has no need of friends. I have started to feel that I'm crazy! Now I get it. Aspergers.
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Hi all,
April 20, 2017 - 9:31pmI would like to express my opinion as well without offending someone in particular.(&also to specify that I am not a native English language speaking and hope my message will be understood..I will do my best to be coherent as it is a stressful emotionally period for me ).I will appreciate any advice and opinion.
I have read the article and most of comments, trying to understand myself and the situation that I am in....as I am myself in a relationship with an AS man who does not admit or accept that he might have the As syndrome.
I meet my partner a few years ago and we become good friends, spending a lot of time chatting every almost every day..in 2015 I move with him and things started to get a bit over the top because everything has to be done in a certain way starting with cleaning and the way I was washing dishes and cutting broccoli...nothing that I was doing was right and it has to be done his way. He give me a hard time for more than 6 mounts until I did all he wanted the way he wanted and still continues ...long story short ...
I found out about his syndrome after after speaking with a mental health counsellor when things got a bit over the top because I was questioning him why he is doing certain things because wore affecting our relationship (he meet someone online and he spent 2 mounts hiding with his phone while he was chatting with his new friend that was a psychiatric medic ..he was even chatting while we wore having dinner together and trying to hide his phone ...thinking that he is not doing anything wrong ..sometimes at 2 am in the morning ;when he was refusing to speak with her she was offending me on fbk and that went way too far ....he was yelling at me that he is not doing anything wrong and he just can’t get rid of her ...and other offending words ...his phone is a vital part of his life, is with him at the toilet and in the bathroom ,never around and always changing the password => his obsession ). He is still chatting with her but find new methods to hide it from me...I don’t think he is genuine person as last year she said to him that she was diagnosed with cancer, her husband was beating her and now she has kidney failure ,1 kid but last year she was having 3 ..and telling him that I am a sociopath as I don’t care about her and don’t let him chat with her and he is very upset as he can’t support his friend in this difficult period – he never seen her in her life. How blind can you be in order not to see that all she says are lies? ... It was and still is a very painful period for me as I was feeling betrayed emotionally by the person that I believe was the most amazing man I ever meet. I will try to be short with the rest of the story ....it is annoying to see your partner spending his time with his obsessions especially if that is for other women that he never meet in his life and consider them his friends and keep thousands of sexy-porn pictures with naked muscular women....I understood that as I consider it his private passion and admiring women from google is not that bad.
I am overwhelmed and in pain emotionally after only 2 years of living with him ....and gathering my straight to leave this relationship and start a new life. I would like to accept him and his obsessions as long those are constructive for him and our relationship ...but being obsessed with women that he never meet in his life and always trying to connect with other ones on fb ..is not that positive. It is more painful after I came from another continent to be with him and this year on Easter time I have been left alone at home while his excuse was that he s not celebrate Easter and I should be telling him that I want to do something for that day. Going out on V day was an issue as well...no friends at all. Not allowed to go out with my friends as he is making me feel guilty that I am not helping him with God knows what and not taking priorities seriously. I would like to say more about this subject but I don’t want to write a little book about it at the moment ).
He was very nice and loving and supporting with him and I really appreciate all he has done for me ...until I started to question his obsessive behaviors about hiding all the time and other online friends.
I love him and I have difficulties leaving the relationship..I am disappointed about me that I have accepted all this and giving so many chances to the relationship ...and disappointed with him and the situation... but all he wants is to make lots of money and be famous and have lots of fun...
Wish you all the best ...
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I just had a break up with an over 3 year relationship with a man who has Asperger. It was a very painful relationship. He is very smart and into playing music. Nothing could interrupt his routine. He planned over our plans. I bent over backwards to help him through school and keep our yard and homes kept up. He was very reluctant to help with anything ever. He asked me to do nearly everything for him and he was ok with that. No eye contact, no serious talking, no affection. He walked out with his daughter who is 5 years old to get slurpees and never came back. Only to get his clothes, guitars, guns and an entire bowl of condoms. So I packed him with a broken heart. Not what I wanted and that there is a child involved is worse. He does not understand what this has done to her or myself. He simply figures its not a big deal. I am staying in her life though her mother and his mother in that none of us agree that she should feel people are disposable. Somethings he spectrum does not understand. I still love him but I can't be with a man who can move on so very quickly and who was comfortable letting me do everything and taking me down financially. He still owes me some money but paid off most of what he borrowed for all of his music gear. It was a struggle. I tries so hard. I have anxiety so that may not have helped. I was open about that and tried to not let it effect our life. that was also a struggle.
April 17, 2017 - 4:56pmThis Comment
I'm tired of trying to communicate and live with my man. I'm normally known for being really good with people, but here i feel im slowly going crazy. And it's always me, he sais. He does nothing wrong in hos own mind it seems. I feel that he wants me around, but i must kind of leve him alone with his routines. He has quite strict routines. He is very happy sitting inn front of hos computer, and playing piano, inside all weekend Even in amazing weather. I am suggesting trips. He might agree to join me, but rarly suggest anything himself. Joining me for short trips, but is longing back to his indoor habits. He forgets things even if he is to buy only two things. He is distant. Cold. Pulls away after a normal reaction from me to his strange insults (he does not understand he is insensitive and insulting because he forgets things or have a creative somehow unrealistic alternativeperspective). He rather gets defensive and make me feel like im irrational reacting the way i do. Im used to having normal healthy reactions. Im tired of dealing with this. He is in any other way warm and loving but its so on and off somehow. What can i do?
March 11, 2017 - 8:57amThis Comment
I cd have written this myself!
November 9, 2017 - 1:56am3 yrs together. .I truly adore and love him, but if a conversation /discussion dosnt go his way...I've got an "attitude " or if I wish to be with him more im "obsessive" (no, I just love him) He THINKS hes very logical and clever...hes not really he just talks fast and always slightly off kilter...not quite 'getting' things but definitely thinks he does.
"I am never wrong" he states..but he is..we all are sometimes!
I cd go on....is this ringing any bells anyone?!!
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sometimes there may be a combination of personality disorders hard to believe possibly schizoid, narcisissic
September 3, 2017 - 1:45pmThis Comment
The poster that says you can't expect this and that from him is right, and it took me a long time in my relationship to realize he will never think, act , relate or love like I do. I had to leave to save my sanity and only after I did leave did I realize how much I was dying inside because it was like poison for me to be with someone that had so much disregard for me. Please save yourself from the crazy making before you yourself go crazy trying to make sense of it.
March 14, 2017 - 9:19amThis Comment
Yes, the woman above that says it works for her is the less than 1% of NT that can do it. Most often the NT is the one that has to do without at some level. AS cannot have the same connection, it just isn't available to them. So as she makes it sound good, 99.9% of the time it is not. Emotionally they just cannot connect the same. If a person wants to do without that part, then great! Go for it. Everyone I've spoken to - which is lots- feel a void and a "picking up the slack" type dynamics. Also, this woman might be on the spectrum herself, that happens also, women and girls are the ones that go undiagnosed.
September 3, 2017 - 4:38pmThis Comment
I have Asperger's, and I know what I'm talking about. My husband, who doesn't really understand my autism but he tries, is a Saint for staying with me and loving me. He pushes me, sometimes, a little bit, sometimes a little bit too much. But he's never caused me to have a meltdown. Trying to make an autistic gf/bf/spouse act exactly the way a normal person would will only cause shutdowns and meltdowns. The routines and escapes are not optional. They are the only alternative to the psych ward.
March 14, 2017 - 5:36pmThis Comment
Anonymous with ASD diagnosis- I'm in a new relationship with a man that I strongly suspect has Aspergers (I know -its not in the recent DSM)/HFA. I want to do all I can to understand how he thinks and perceives things. He has a great sense of humor and uses puns often. I asked and he told me he is fine with touch. I'm seeing aversions to some foods, but nothing major. I try to speak directly, concretely and I ask for clarification from him when I'm not sure I really understand what he is talking about. But I'm sure I'm just starting to understand him. Do you have any advice for me?
March 29, 2017 - 8:42pmThanks.
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