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I took a printmaking class a few years ago and I had a fabulous teacher. The class only lasted for three months, but this teacher (and this class) managed to change my thinking in many ways. Every time I bend over to wipe something that has fallen on the floor, I think of her saying, “If you’re cleaning up your mess, clean up a little extra mess that you didn’t make. I do it, just because that’s the good kind of girl scout I am.” I don’t always actually FOLLOW the advice, but I always, always remember it.
Something non-mundane I learned in class, something that really has affected my way of being: the concept of happy accidents. “Happy accidents,” as defined by my teacher, are those great artistic discoveries that happen when you release some control of the process and allow yourself to be curious about what might happen. Being willing to be a beginner, to be open to trying new colors or ways of looking at the piece, of taking away your attachment to how the piece works out - these acts allow you the freedom to mess up - but also the possibility that you might discover something new: that you might fall in love with a new color you might have thought you hated, or that you find a new way of holding a tool that creates a totally different effect. Either way, you have to release the need to control every moment of the process in order to have happy accidents.
When I expand this metaphor to human life, I think about the space between control and openness. I believe that we need to have the ability to make choices in order to get to where we want to go. We need the structure of being able to say “no” and the ability to look ahead and see where we want to be, and create steps to get there. It is incredibly beneficial to have some mastery over how we spend our time and energy and resources. I firmly believe in these skills. I teach these skills to clients every day, for I believe they are essential.
However, when the control becomes TOO tight, we lose the chance of happy accidents. The happy accidents can teach us who we are, and what our hidden strengths and talents are, and, especially, clue us into the unique lens through which we view the world. This lens is our gift. No one else views the world in exactly the same way that we do, and that is a good thing.
Seeking this balance between too little and too much control can be challenging at times. So here’s an exercise that can help. Take a sheet of paper and draw a line down the center. On one side, make a list of some areas that need more mastery (boundaries, limits, structure), leaving a blank line under each item. Under each item, write an action step that can be taken toward achieving more control. For example, “loose boundaries about time spent working outside of work” could have the action step of “turn phone completely off on Saturdays.” (The next week you could gradually add more hours).
The other side of the page is a really fun one. It’s the part of the list where you realize where you can have more fun and openness, and where you need to let go a little. You can list some areas of your life, leaving a blank line under each item. On each line, write an idea about how to create some space. For instance, “parenting” could have “have regularly scheduled 'do nothing' time.” This could be time spent with your child in conversation, or creating art, or flying a kite or learning to knit. “Work” could have “set aside time every couple of days to just sit and brainstorm with no interruptions.” During this time, you could let your imagination run wild. You might just come up with some really great ideas.
You might notice some fear come up for you during this exercise. If I had to guess, I would expect that it would probably happen during the part where you think about how to release some control in order to create open space. It seems to be a human tendency to fear the unknown. If that happens, just observe how you’re feeling, and mentally watch the resistance without judgement. And then let go anyway.
Heather Jassy is a licensed therapist and life coach to brilliant, groovy folks around the globe. Read more about her at http://emptyspaceblog.net/bio/.
Link to blog: http://emptyspaceblog.net/2008/11/happy-accidents-not-of-the-procreating-variety/
Add a Comment2 Comments
Good point, Diane. I agree that things are rough right now, and it is a very normal reaction for folks to react to that difficulty by trying to hold on as tightly as possible. I think that things are ALWAYS out of our control, but we manage to fool ourselves most of the time because we are able to maintain the illusion. For instance, people we love can die, or economic or health situations can shift quickly in a heartbeat. But most of the time, if we stay busy enough, we can pretend that is not the case.
In times like this, however, we see the truth for what it is: our circumstances are much more precarious than they seem on the surface in good times. My question is this: did we ever have as much control as we thought we did? I guess that the control that I am thinking about is force-when are we being so set in our agenda that we miss the possibility that is out there. Sometimes we are impatient about letting things play out, and we make things more difficult for ourselves. I have a real tendency toward this one!:)
To me, the best way to deal with being in an out of control situation is to focus on the present moment. Focus on what I am grateful for, focus on what I have. Focus on the fact that I have survived difficulty in the past, and will figure it out. Panic and fear do not help. They create anxiety and, I believe, keep us from doing our best creative problem solving when we need it most. Rigidity makes it more tough, especially when times are dire. Flexibility, openness and adaptibility lead us to an agility of mind that we need right now.
July 6, 2009 - 4:46pmThis Comment
Heather,
What a wonderful Share. Thanks so much for writing it.
I wonder about this, however: Right now in our country, we have millions of people who have or are losing their jobs and/or homes. Those are traumatic occurrences that make people feel completely out of control. I would imagine that when much change is forced upon a person, their tendency is not to look for happy accidents, but rather to hold the reins more tightly.
What would you write to those people? Can they still do both?
June 30, 2009 - 8:53amThis Comment